Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Month: February 2022

Thank You for the Sympathy Card

February 27, 2022 /

I was going through some boxes as we continue to purge to fit into our tiny condo. I came across a card we would have received right after Zane was killed. It was from a fellow grief warrior who had lost her son decades before. She had enclosed a letter letting me know what I could expect. I had no idea then of the truth she spoke to.  I was naturally in shock and numb to receiving her message.

She told me that the pain will get less.  That I must grieve in my own way, there is no right or wrong way. And there is no timeframe. We will not get over the death, and that our friends who have not lost a child will not understand. Her words, only a grieving parent could say, and true to the experience I am living.

She learned to live on for those she still had here. She wrote, “As I think back all the memories that reminded me of my son were difficult, but they were also healing.”

Her letter closed with the final paragraph saying that with time she was able to forgive the driver who was responsible for her son’s death. And that hit me. Have I forgiven the driver who killed Zane? I feel no hate towards him. I have focused on how his mother would feel, I focused on the shared loss. But forgive him? Ouch. That is territory yet to be explored.

Reading her letter, her words reminding me that I am not alone, I felt compelled to write her back.  I have never met this woman. She is the sister of a friend. So, I called my friend to ask for her address and I wrote. I let her know that her letter was read but not understood until now. That I have continued for the sake of my family here and that I live with Zane’s spirit, missing his physical presence with every breath. I thanked her for the card and the reminder that I live in a community of strong women, mothers, like her.

What do we do with the many cards we receive? Store them in a pretty shoe box. Or several pretty shoe boxes if needed.  And in quiet moments when you are feeling strong, go through them.  Toss the ones that are from people you don’t know or whose message grates you. (We all have received at least one of those, ‘all is well, you’ll get over this’ type of card.) Take pictures of some cards you like but want to toss. That way you have more space but keep the memory. And for those cards that resonate with you, let them resonate.  Let yourself feel the message, feel any pain that message brings, knowing that you are here now and doing your best to be your best for your loved ones.

If you feel compelled to write back, I recommend you do. And like grief, there is no timeline to do this. Sympathy cards are given to express words of kindness and support. There should not be an expectation to reply; goodness knows we have enough on our plate, but there may be a card worthy of reaching out to say thank you.

As in my case, “Thank you Joyce, for sending a message, the foreshadowing of my new life. You were bang on. As only another grieving mother would know.”

Connecting Through Shared Stories

February 20, 2022 /

This past Super Bowl was a party at my daughter’s home with friends whom she inherited from Zane. It was the first bittersweet event of the year. It was a wonderful afternoon, each of us wearing our favorite team, bets placed, comfy chairs and lots too eat and drink. It was missing only one thing.  Zane.

Zane had a close group of friends fondly referred to as ‘La Familia’. When Zane was killed, his friends adopted our family, bringing us in to be a part of what Zane loved to do and who he loved to be with.  We all feel very lucky for that.  We have been invited to birthday parties, BBQ’s, holiday events and social afternoons. We know the invite comes to us out of respect for our son. (The picture above is one of the many get togethers with some friends to share stories).

When you lose a child, their friends become an important connection.  They share stories of adventures that you might not have known about.  They hold a different perspective of our children; they were friends, not parents or siblings. If given the opportunity to sit and talk with them, take it!

Listening to shared experiences they had with your child is no easy task. And watching these young friends live the life that your child was robbed of is painful. I am secretly dreading the upcoming weddings and children of their own that will fill their life with love. And yet, I want to be a part of their happiness. I want to know more about my son’s life and hear how he affected his friends lives.  These are the people that he chose to spend his time and energy with. Getting to know them, brings another dimension to who my son is. I want to hear his name and his friends are happy to share. It is a blessing that causes tears and smiles.

I was standing in the kitchen during half time and one of Zane’s closest friends came in to hug me. He said, “can’t you feel him? it’s like he is here with us” I agreed.  He hugged me and when he pulled back, he said, with tears in his eyes, “I just really miss him…” “I know, sweetie,” I replied and hugged him again, “we all do”.

That evening I realized that maybe there is more to his friends including us than just out of respect for Zane.  Perhaps they too feel that connection, through his family, that closeness to him.  They too hear a different perspective, different experiences that we know of that Zane had not shared with them. Together, as a group, through conversations, there develops a well-rounded image of all that my boy was.  And with our conversations continuing, of the person he will always be.

Getting Outside of Your Head

February 13, 2022 /

I had a pity party this week. A work meeting went sideways, demands of a new program, an extra project thrown into an already packed day had me driving in my car cussing at how unfair life was. As I pulled into the parking lot, I received a text from my sister.  “Hey sis, which one do you like best?” And four pictures followed.  Each, a different urn. I realized she was at the funeral home, arranging for her husband’s death. I started to cry.

In life, and very common for grief warriors, we tend to focus on what we don’t have, what we have that we hate and what we want that seems elusive. This thought pattern stunts our ability to see anything else; the good, the bad and the ugly of other things happening around us. I am not critical of this.  The truth is we have been given the short straw and there takes an energy to care for others that we might not have.

One of the ways to deal with grief, we are told, is to volunteer.  To get outside of our own head and thoughts by helping others.  Research shows that volunteering increases empathy, distracts your grief and makes one feel good. I know, it’s what I sell in my job, the positive impact of volunteering. I also know, that living with grief, this desire is difficult, if not, sometimes, impossible. 

How do we show up for others when the day-to-day tasks of work and life make it impossible to show up even for ourselves? I wonder if we started with those close to us.  I wonder if we could muster the energy to reach out to a relative or friend or neighbor. A text asking how they are, or a loaf of bread dropped off with a note saying, “I’m thinking of you”. These small acts can be planned around our energy. They take not a lot of effort or commitment to ‘get outside’ of yourself and yet they connect us, and we feel good that we have noticed those we love.  We feel good.  In thinking of others, we also help ourselves.

Living in my own mess, the fact that my sister is living with anticipated grief, took a back seat to the mundane trials that will not be important nor remembered years from now.  What will be remembered is me showing up for her pain. I must plan for this. What energy we have is dictated by a lot of factors, how we use it is our choice.

And with that aha moment, alone in my car, I replied to her.  “I like the 3rd one.”  I finished my day and went home to make a pot of comforting chili to which I dropped off to her door the next day.

Finding Your Truth

February 6, 2022 /

I have been inclined to defend my thoughts and actions in the past while to current times or more specifically that grief has turned me into a bitch. I have become less tolerant; I say no more often, I exercise boundaries more often and feel less guilty about it. I am starting to practice self-care, still being kind to others but also to myself.  I am looking at my life as if it were in a petri dish under a microscope and what I like I want more of. What I don’t like, I am losing patience with keeping around. It is a new and scary feeling.

I was told in grief counselling that around the 1.5-year mark after a child’s death, mothers begin to ‘find their voice’.  We have been stripped of every ideal reality, every role we know of and are left to start again.  Within this, it is common for us to find our truth.

Part of this finding involves the grief bursts and rage bursts. We are out of our body with grief. This is normal and practicing grounding is a suggested technique to help. It is simple and can be done anywhere without looking crazy.

Stand with your feet slightly apart and solid on the ground. Close your eyes. Feel the ground under your feet.  Know the ground is solid, you are touching it, connected to its hold. It will not let you fall.  Feel your energy flow through your body and down into your legs, your feet and into the ground, tying you to its earth. Feel this strength.  It is calm. Solid. It can carry you. Breathe.

I practice this exercise lots. I find it works; the angry energy, the silent scream from inside travels through me and into the ground where it is soaked up and contained.

As we put into place new practices to survive, there is solace in knowing that we are not crazy. We are given permission to try new things and change it up to create a warm, comforting environment that supports our pain. We have permission to reflect on what we want, what we need, and how to change to receive that. That is enlightening.

I wrote to Zane about this.

“…so, we don’t really become bitches as I thought. We develop this gentle but firm presence, a sort of this is who I am take it or leave it attitude. All things you wanted for me.  How ironic… so, I have chosen to look at this upcoming transformation as another gift from you.”

I am curious, who I will become when I find my truth. I do know that it will be centered around what Zane had hoped for me and what I had hoped for him.

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