Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Month: April 2022

When 27 Candles Come

April 24, 2022 /

At Easter, my daughter made a toast to her guests saying how grateful she was to have them in her home. She said that her wish this year was to spend more time with those she loved as she reached her 27th birthday; the birthday her brother didn’t get to.  And that hit me.

I was told that when younger children approach the age of the sibling who died, there comes with it an irrational fear; a sense of lightning could strike twice in the same place. And from too many accounts of my fellow grief warriors, the answer is it does. My daughter is now the exact same number of days away from her 27th that Zane was from his when he was killed. And although we have this daily ritual since that fateful day, of her texting me to assure me she got to work safe, got home safe, this week my thoughts live in a dark encompassing fear of ‘what if’.

I did not think I would feel this way.  My soul knows that my daughter has a different destiny than her brother. She is a different child than he. But what does that matter? This does not reduce the anxiety. As we approach her birthday, each day I fret a bit more. I need to take deep breaths more.  I wake up in cold sweats. I am a mess to which there seems to be no distraction.

I try to rationalize with this paralyzing emotion in me. I tell myself, she will make it, and we will celebrate her and if my heart knows this than I must focus on just this.  I think back to when I was planning Zane’s 27th.  I had the perfect gift, a day with an award-winning photographer to take him into the Banff Basins to shoot pictures. Zane had suggested that we start his day with brunch, just the two of us.  He commented on feeling excited about this birthday and the future it would bring him. There it is.

It is not so much that something will happen to Payton. Although we know too well tragedy can happen to anyone at any time. It is that Payton will be the age Zane wanted to reach. This day, her 27th will be overshadowed with all the plans and all the hopes and the dreams that we had for Zane, shortly before his fate was sealed on that early morning highway.  Her 27th birthday should be her own day of celebration and yet it will not be.  Intuitively, she is preparing herself to feel the pain of having her older brother not at THIS birthday. She knows this one should have been his to celebrate years before her.

Part of the agony I feel as her mother is knowing that I can’t bring her brother back.  We can’t celebrate her birthdays with her older brother. We are travelling into unknown territory again; there is nothing she can compare her upcoming experiences to…”when Zane was ‘my’ age”.  She is now the age he will never be.

Fear is a primary emotion connected to loss. That is all this is. It is not all about her reaching the birthday that Zane did not. It is the loss of turning 27, an age that will not bring with it the past comfort and experiences her older brother guided her with. And for me, the fear I am experiencing is not of the unknown dangers of life. What I am feeling is the loss of Zane replayed so very loudly with this menacing 27th that did not happen for him.  This birthday emphasizes our loss. Simple. And yet, so very complicated.

The Arrival of Spring

April 17, 2022 /

Easter announces that spring is here. The season that hints of longer, warmer days to arrive. The season of restlessness and the question of ‘what else’ might we do.  There is a magic about spring, no wonder this season is a favorite for poetry.

Our family enjoys poetry, reading and writing it. Putting your feelings into a flow of stanzas helps clarify feelings and may resonate with others in a way that simple conversations cannot.  I read about the healing power of putting your words into poetic form. Try to express your feelings in haiku fashion or summarize an experience in only 6 words for impact. You need not be Robert Frost or Sylvia Path (although both are inspiring to read!)

Zane would choose to write poems in English and Spanish. One of his poems was a request from a mother who had lost her son to a drug overdose. I’ll save that poem for another time. Today, with the sun shining and the blue sky covering us, I wanted to share one of mine.

Mother Spring

The buds on the trees, bursting to open,
clouds float by, their miscellaneous shapes
forming soft notes to those below
birds chirp as they gather
to build the family nest…

Spring demonstrates, the cycle of life continues
ready or not, here she comes
with her canvas of colors
to be seen in due time
Her gentle teardrops falling
cleansing the dirt of the winter dead

She brings with her evidence that hope is here
in the quiet morning dew
and the crisp mountain air
She puts in front of us
a kaleidoscope of tiny miracles
whispering to witness her magic.

all that we see, touch, hear and do
connects us to her bigger picture-
that of the moon and the heavens
where many of our own
shine down in twinkling lights.

Her energy is of peace, of love
letting us sense this other realm,
which is invisible to the earthly eye
it can only be seen, experienced
with a broken heart.

feathers fall in our path,
butterflies, dragonflies, wildlife visitors,
she sends with tiny messages on their backs
assuring us, life is a perennial cycle
of rebirth, of eternal connections
that reach across space and time
to those we love and miss.

Take this season to open your journal and pour your heart out in verse.  It is therapeutic. It is good mourning.

Joy In Its New Form

April 10, 2022 /

When we downsized it was with the plan to buy a small weekend retreat in Canmore with the extra money from the sale of our house. Over the last year we have been looking for just the perfect spot. What I thought would be a simple and exciting adventure has turned into a battle of endless meetings with mortgage specialists, bankers, realtors, and insurance agents. It has not been easy. At the end of the day, we did find a little treasure with a beautiful mountain view.  It checks off all the boxes of a place that will be there for family and friends to rejuvenate in. So why am I not ecstatic?

Grief has a way of playing with our emotions and depleting our energy. The work we have put into getting this place and my fears around will this investment pay off have clouded the fact that I now own my small piece of heaven. It is further complicated by the fact that this is Zane’s wish, and he will not physically be able to join me. I have no energy left to feel joy.

When joy tries to enter our lives after we have lost a loved one, we seem to question it. Perhaps because it is different than the joy we had experienced before loss. Joy has become a stranger to the heartbreak we have been consumed with. When it arrives now, it is softer.  It is quieter. It brings with it that nasty bittersweet taste. It brings with it guilt.  It brings with it a tone of sadness. The reminder of ‘how life should be’ is not what we hold. Joy, after grief, is more complicated.

I heard my husband say to a friend that he watched me walk into our (new) condo and my smile was something he has not seen since Zane left. I didn’t realize I had smiled. I do know that on the balcony, facing the mountains, I could feel his spirit. I could feel an invisible hug from the mountains whispering to me, “welcome home”. And that feeling brought me to tears and standing there alone I thought to myself perhaps there can be healing here.

With that wee bit of hope, I pondered later how could I bring the joy of this place to fruition. How can I let go to really be happy about what we have? And I realized that I need to bring Zane in.  I need to do what we grief warriors have been taught to do. In everything we do, we must honor those we have lost. If this is going to be a place of healing, it must have some characteristics of those I miss.  It must reflect their likes and it must be filled with treasures that bring me peace. How do I turn our revenue property into a place of healing? Not just for me, but for anyone who comes into our place.  How do I create an environment that will bring comfort and joy?

With that, my energy raised. I have a place that I can turn into a safe spot where my soul can experience a reprieve. I can take my bittersweet, melancholy life and plop it in front of the majestic mountain view, allowing nature to do what she does best. Ground me. Connect me. Remind me that Zane is still here. This plan of action opens my heart for joy, in its new form, to arrive.

Laughing with Grief

April 3, 2022 /

April Fool’s Day this year was to be glum. Dan, having just left this realm, would not be here to try to fool me. I woke thinking what could I do to honor him and distract myself from my grief. I received a text message from a stranger asking for advice. I received another text from my sister that she had dropped his urn. The beautiful glass urn she had special ordered lay in broken pieces over her wood floor, ashes exploded everywhere and the dog rolling in them. This had to be an April fool’s joke! I sent a message to her suggesting I come over and we could snort the ashes off the floor together.

I replied to the text from the unknown number with a vague comment as I could not figure out who might be playing this joke on me.  Or was it a joke? My cell line is also my business line.  Just for fun, I sent it to my sister asking if she knew who it was (the person had alluded to knowing her husband) and the message was a very strange request.

I sent a message to my daughter telling her that her father informed me that he wanted to move back to Ontario.

I got dressed, packed a bag of tricks, and set off to have lunch with one of Zane’s best friends and his 7-year-old daughter. The tricks were for his daughter.  Over hamburger and fries, she opened each trick and tried them on us.  Her favorite was the exploding ketchup bottle. As she practiced (over and over) fooling us, we shared stories with her of her ‘Uncle Zane’ and how each year he would think of who to fool and how. She donned the red clown nose I brought with a big grin and giggled, “this is a great lunch”!

The afternoon was filled with laughter, reminiscing of the antics the two boys shared growing up together. It contained a couple of tears; typical when you share love and loss together.

At the end of the day, the two went off to play more tricks on unsuspecting family. I went back to my phone to read the replies. My daughter figured out her father was not moving; I sounded sad in the text she said, and she doesn’t think I would be that sad! The stranger turned out to be my daughter, using a friend’s phone and devised the request around knowing Dan to bring him into the joke.  Well played!  I laughed so hard.  She did good. 

And my sister.  She said it wasn’t a joke. And I told her we could replace the urn and trying to lift her spirits, I said “was it all ashes or are there bones too?” She replied, “ashes, but there is one tiny piece that looks like it could be his tooth and somehow seeing that piece brought me comfort.” I laughed. “Is it normal that we are so abnormal?” I asked. She responded with “Gotcha!”

Oh Dan, you would be so proud of us.

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