Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Month: May 2022

Strength Arrives When Needed

May 29, 2022 /

I had a conversation this week with a mom whose youngest son is graduating from high school. She reminded me of all the things a mother does to ensure that this day is one he will celebrate and think fondly of for years to come. It is a ‘duty’ that most of us go through. The challenge she has is that her oldest son didn’t get this chance. He died before he graduated.

Her son wishes to include his brother in his graduation as much as one can incorporate one from the other side. And thus, the shoes, the outfit, the plans his brother had for his own, the younger son now wants to have. This is good mourning for him. And his mother gets it.  So, with every task, every detail, she plans and creates with her son.  There is a smile on her face and a let’s do this attitude that her son needs. However, inside, she is screaming so loud her head pounds. The pain of having to face and recreate what her oldest wanted, should have had, penetrates with every breath. This is when strength is needed.

Grieving requires strength.  You are straddled between two places. You are here, on earth, a life with responsibilities, the people who count on you, but you are also on the other side. The place where your loved one has gone to, and with them a piece of you has gone too.  We are to focus; we are expected to continue to be the adult, the caregiver. And we must, it is our role. Parenting, while grieving, requires extra strength.

There are many times that your grief must be ignored, must be put on the shelf, for the sake of your other children. You tell yourself that you will go on for the other kids. You tell yourself that they need you.  And they do.  They REALLY do. But they will need you when you think you can’t possibly get out of bed. They will need you when you want to be alone. They will need you to help them mourn, even if their way is not the best way for you.

Strength in grief is what gives us the power to see each day with hope. It enables us to help our children mourn. This type of strength comes from the parental need to protect and provide for our children. It comes from deep within our soul. It comes from our heart, the love for our precious family. It comes when needed, giving us the energy to be there for those we love. 

Graduation day will come.  It will be beautiful; full of rituals and tokens that bond two brothers for eternity. And mom, after all this, she can take a walk into the fields of her back yard, thanking God as she cries, for strength when it is needed.

Goodbye Ellen and Thank You

May 22, 2022 /

My husband informed me that the Ellen DeGeneres show is over. I knew this was her last season, but I could not bring myself to accept this. Not because I watched her show. But because Zane had. He loved her show. And her show ending will become one more connection to my son that will be forever gone.

When you are grieving, all losses become big losses. Grief warriors are forever sensitive to anything or anyone else leaving. The loss of a person or a sentimental object or even a habit can bring us back to the center of our grief and the intensity of our pain. We are left to face it, examine it, and find a place for it within our broken hearts.

Knowing that Zane enjoyed the Ellen show and that he would be sad it was over, regardless of any accusations as to why, I felt compelled to write to her. I needed her to know how much, as his mother, I appreciated what she had unknowingly done for him.

Dear Ellen,

I am not sure that this letter will find you amongst the millions of fan mail you receive but I needed to thank you for the joy you brought my son. Up to the day he was killed, Zane watched your show. It gave him a reprieve from the stresses of work and school studies. The hour spent with you was more therapeutic than entertaining. I would be in the kitchen, the sounds of his laughter filling the air. “Mom, listen to this…” he’d say to tune me into the piece of wisdom of the day you spoke of. He enjoyed you because you are real. You are not afraid to be yourself. You promote kindness and try to walk your talk. Genuine. That is what Zane loved about your show.  He felt as if he was spending time with a fellow spirit whose lightwork on this earth was of the same cloth. You inspired him to face the day, deal with the negative and find happiness in all things.

Your show ending plays with my grief. It is one more thing that will be gone that reminds me of my boy and the joy he found in this life. It is why the urge to write to you.  On his behalf, thank you for bringing the sunshine to so many gray skies. Thank you for being the one responsible for the enjoyment my son experienced through your show, the sound of his laughter as he listened to you, forever imbedded in my heart.

Were you aware of the influence you had on people like my son?  Were you aware that some days you were written in the gratitude journal of what enabled him to make it through the day? Of course not. This is why we, your fans, love you so much. You offered us strength. You connected us to optimism. You showed us how to dance through life’s challenges and to always be kind. You connected us to a higher calling. Thank you.

I look forward to watching the reruns!

I don’t think Ellen will ever see this letter. I am not sure that is important. What is important is that I have faced my sadness and honored my son by writing to a woman who he was a fan of.  And that is good mourning.

The Hope of a Visit from The Other Side

May 15, 2022 /

I recently signed up for an online group reading.  The medium, Matt Fraser, is America’s top spiritual connector whose waiting list for a personal reading is over two years long. I am sure it is because of his popular TV series ‘Meet the Frasers’ and his uncanny accuracy of knowing our departed.  His alternative is to pay a very affordable price to be a part of a large online community where your loved one may show up and you may get a reading.  I understand the odds of getting one are slim to none, but I do find his readings entertaining so thought, why not?

The night of the show I was excited all that day.  What if, by some small chance I did get a reading?  What if Zane did appear on screen behind me and Matt noticed and told me? I felt like the first day of a new school year. I couldn’t wait for the show to begin.

When it did, you were instructed to press the ‘raise your hand’ icon if you were interested in a reading.  You were told that you could not see the others until such time that Matt called you to turn on your video, which suggests that your loved one was there. No promises but he would try to get to as many readings as he could in the allotted one and a half hours. He said he was excited about the spirits in the room as he viewed the one-sided screen of all of us looking back at him. He said, “there are spirits here from health issues, from sadness and a terrible car crash…”  I sat up straight.

The readings began. Matt is gentle with his readings, comfortable with his connections and truly sympathetic with those he speaks for.  I laughed at Matt’s sense of humor as he spoke of the person of whose name the audience member didn’t seem to connect with and then would remember and exclaim “oh yes, that’s so-and-so” and Matt would shout “Hello, pay attention!” His bright smile engaging you as if it were two friends talking about a common relative.  I was enjoying listening to these readings and then my screen lit up, “the host has asked you to turn on your video”.

Suddenly there I was. In the waiting room of a famous medium awaiting him to tell me of a spirit who wanted to speak to me.  You are forewarned it might not be who you wish it to be.  One of the readings earlier proved that when the women’s ex-boyfriend came through and she wanted someone else. I didn’t care who was coming to speak to me, although Zane would be my first choice.  I have lost so many; a visit with any one of them had my stomach turning in knots of happy anticipation.

As I sat anxiously waiting, my computer screen glitched. It went dark and then a screen popped up I had left the meeting and another screen popped up; re-enter the zoom meeting. I found myself in the main group, my hand icon unlit indicating I did not want a reading. I gasped. I hit the button to say I did, and a sudden disappointment coursed through my being.  I had missed the opportunity. I could sit back and listen to the other readings but there would not be one for me.

I hate technology. It works until it doesn’t, and it doesn’t at the most needed times. I must trust the universe. It was not meant to be. Why it wasn’t meant to be goes into my big bucket of similar questions that an answer to will never be found. I went to bed that night feeling sick, sad that what might have been a reading of my life turned out to be my computer needing a zoom upgrade. Which it has now. My reservation for the July show booked. And another lesson in patience, trust, and hope received.

Mother’s Day Message

May 8, 2022 /

A mother in one of my support groups asked, “when speaking of your child who has died, do you say, I love them, or I loved them?” A profound question but one that brought up the struggle of where your child is now.  They are not here, so past tense is appropriate, but they are here still in spirit so present tense feels more comforting even though it is more confusing.

This same question falls into the category of other questions that are difficult to answer.  How many children do you have when one has died? How old is your child?  Do you refer to their current age, if they were still alive, or do you refer to their forever age?  And the biggest question, am I still a mother.

In grief we learn that we must take our time and that every path is different. We know that what works for one, might not work for the other. Let’s take these lessons into account to answer the tough questions. I have found what works for me one day might not work for me another day.  It depends on my energy, where I am, and who I am speaking to. 

Here is what I believe. First, no question, I am his mother and will always be. No one takes that away; it came as my eternal right when I chose to give birth to him. And because I gave birth to him, he will always count as one of the children I have, no matter what his mortal status is!  The other answers require a bit more self-reflection.

How old is he? I find that in my grief community I am very comfortable to say Zane is forever 26. They get that. My answer changes with those I don’t know.  Currently my reply is, “I have a son who should be 30 but was killed when he was 26 and a daughter who just turned 27”.  This reply is to the point, the truth and tells the story of me as a mother.

Being comfortable saying that, I realize that I do keep Zane in the present tense.  I HAVE a son. I LOVE my son. Why would I put such an important person into a past tense? Because our society does. When our loved ones die, our society dictates that they are gone. They have left for a better place, to be with God, whatever your definition of ‘eternity’ is. They are in the past. But as a grieving mother we know better.

Every breath we take we are painfully aware that we cannot hold our child. But we also know, and we receive signs to assure us of this, that our children are still here. They are connected to us through a spiritual umbilical cord that death cannot sever. Being a mother of a child who is on the other side requires new learning of how to connect, how to care for them (through honoring them) but we learn, because we are their mothers.

My message to you is simply this. You are your child’s mother. That has not changed. That will never change. You are mother of their body and now their memory, their spirit, and their legacy. Your work is the same as that of mothers of earthly children.  We listen and watch for them, and we send our love to them through thoughts and wishes and actions. Your love for your child will always be present tense.

Ducky’s New Adventure

May 1, 2022 /

Zane loved beanie babies. He collected them and would wrestle with them on the trampoline as a kid. Up into the sky they would fly.  Down onto the bouncy tarp to have Zane land on them and pretend he was the wrestling champion. Many of the beanie babies lost limbs.  The majority lost their name tag, which makes it impossible to resell; and some of them are worth more now than the $10 we paid twenty years ago.

When we packed up his beloved collection, we had two large boxes full.  Payton, in charge of the purging process, allowed me to keep only one box.  The other box had to be given away.  Who would appreciate these creatures? How do I give up something Zane loved and brought him joy? I came up with a plan. I hand picked a beanie for each of my nephews, nieces, and young children of close friends. I wrote a little note about where this beanie came from and a wish that they would enjoy them as much as my son had. Then I released them to their new owner.

Yesterday, I woke to a picture on my phone from my sweet niece in Ontario. It was of her son, holding the beanie baby that I sent him. Her text message read, “made my heart very happy how much he loves ducky”.  I burst into tears.  The picture was proof that Zane’s fuzzy ducky brought happiness to someone else.  

I am aware that these toys are just things. And if Zane was here, they might have been given to charity. But that is what happens to us grief warriors.  We become possessive of our child’s belongings.  The importance of each toy, piece of clothing, picture…these things are all we have left. What happens to them becomes a big deal. Parting with them becomes difficult, if not impossible.

No one can say when you should depart with your loved one’s personal belongings.  No one can say what you should do with them. If there is a way that their belongings can be shared, renewed, and treasured by someone else, it helps honor our loved ones, sharing the joy and memories of these things with another. My advice is, if possible, to hold on to them until your heart tells you what to do.

My wish for you is that some one lets you know your child’s treasures are still enjoyed. Because that, as I experienced yesterday morning, is a gift returned. Ducky is on a new adventure. And in some weird way, it makes me feel that the energy of Zane’s childhood antics is alive and well through the repeated play his cousin now shares.

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