The relationship I had with my brother was complicated. I met Wayne when we were adults. He was my father’s son who we connected with through the result of my sister’s search to find him. He was living in BC with his wife and two sons. My sister sent him a letter asking if he knew we existed and if he was interested in meeting us. He jumped at the chance, moving his family to Calgary to get to know us, and his father. I went from being the oldest of two to the middle of three.
My brother was a typical big brother. He watched out for my best interests, he was protective, he gave lots of ‘brotherly’ advice. We drank too much together, hung out together, shared dreams and goals and were there for each other. Somehow, I felt he would always be there for me. A thing I took for granted.
So, when he fell to depression and struggled to live with chronic pain, I became the sibling who cared for him. Our roles switched to me watching out for him, connecting him to medical and financial resources, worrying about where he would live, how he would manage. It was stressful to see him change from my big brother to a man who spent more time hiding inside than being outside in the big wild forests he once managed. I became quick tempered with him and focused on his short comings and threw many pity parties as to why I had to take care of him. The truth is I didn’t have to. But I did.
When I received the call that my brother had died in his sleep, I set out to do what I have been doing for him for decades. I took care of him. I set up the family, planned the funeral and made the appointment for his ashes to be made into memorial jewelry at his loved one’s request. Only when I was driving the long trip back home from his place, did I start to understand what just happened.
My brother is gone. His physical body only ashes, his legacy unwritten. His loved one’s left comprehending the how and the what now. Complicated relationships bring complicated grief. We are left to feel something when sometimes there is nothing to feel. Or we feel something more than we thought we would. Grief can include guilt, remorse, and regrets. Complicated grief gives an ugly depth to these feelings.
What I didn’t think of was the why he and I were in these strange roles. What were the lessons we were to learn through this experience? When we are going through something that is hard or unpleasant, why do we race to find a way out rather than sitting quietly to understand the purpose of the hardship. I guess because easy is more comfortable.
If we could face our complicated relationships with more kindness and less complaints, perhaps they would not be as complicated. What are the lessons to be learned through such experiences? The truth is my brother loved each of us to the best of his capacity. He was there for us, as much as he could be. He created a life such that the last years he did find some joy. What I didn’t see then was that I was the lucky one to be able to care for him, to return the love I know he felt for me.
With that understanding the tears arrived and I thought of all the things I could have, should have done. His death, another reminder for me that we are all here together for just a very short time. The roles we play in each other’s life should not be criticized but rather celebrated as part of our souls’ learnings.
It appears, our family soul plan included a brother who came into our lives later with gratitude and hope. He left the same way. His last texts to me were of how much he would like to have done for me, for my pain. How he wished he could have saved me from it. An honorable desire that expressed how he truly did want me to be happy. How can I ask for more than what he could give? And what he gave was love. His version, his way, but still love and that can’t be ignored.
Wayne, thank you for loving me. Send messages, my sweet brother, of how we can remember and honor the life you shared with us. And may you enjoy riding horses in the fields of heaven.
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