Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Month: November 2023

When Tears Arrive

November 26, 2023 /

We were told by our cable supplier that our modem will no longer be functioning after the new year, so we needed to upgrade. My husband planned for the service installer to come by. I listened as he told me what to expect.  It was all for the better except when he said, “you will lose your recordings.”

 I stared at him blankly. I thought of all the Hallmark movies taped that I was enjoying.  They would be gone. I thought of all Jon’s Sunday morning shows.  They would be gone. And then I remembered Zane’s recordings that I kept.  Seeing them always gave me a sense of peace, pretending some how he would one day watch them. They would be gone too.  And I gasped.

“What?”, I uttered, choking back the tears. He repeated, “there will be no more recordings. You will have to record again.” But Zane was not here to record.  How could I do this? The poor young man had no idea why I was upset about my recordings about to be erased and yet there was nothing he or I could do.  The upgrade was mandatory.  I took a deep breath and said, “Ok”.

Jon arrived at this time, and I made an excuse I had an errand to run and left him to oversee the upgrade. As I got into my car I was thinking, “upgrade, this is far from an upgrade for me”. It was a step back into my grief having one less thing of Zane’s. I drove to the park and took a walk along the path that I had walked Tango so many times before and I began to sob.

I wasn’t prepared for this reaction. Sometimes grief makes no sense at all. Why did I have such a response to this change, this necessary technological progress? Perhaps it is the start of the holiday season where we get weepier. Or maybe it is all the work of the busy needy season, and I am overtired. Or maybe, it’s just more loss of things I love and more unwanted change arriving for me to face.

As I pondered why I was so upset, I let myself continue to weep.  As I walked, the sun in my face, dried my tears.  The silence of the park let my mind relax. There could be one or a combination of reasons why we are triggered and reduced to tears.  All things that are about our loved ones are important.  We are the protector of each reminder they were alive, and we do not want any of it to be deleted.  The recordings, which would literally be erased, were a symbolic reminder that life is and will never be as I had wished. This simple conclusion came to me by giving myself permission to have a good cry. I returned to the car, fixed my make-up, and gently went on with my plans for the day.

We know that emotional tears release oxytocin and endogenous opioids, otherwise called endorphins.  I believe that tears are the souls’ way of exposing the shadows of our pain. At the end of a long cry, we are left with our true sadness and with a quiet sensation of courage. It’s surprising how many tears are within us that spill over when needed to restore our sprit so that we can carry on.  Strength is found in the salt of our tears.

“How to Live When a Loved One Dies.”

November 19, 2023 /

I believe that I will look for ways to cope with our family’s fate for the rest of my life. Since 2018, my bookshelf has become a Chapter’s self-help aisle, courses and videos, and chat rooms, all with the same theme; how do I go on? I came across the book by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen teacher that Zane loved to quote, titled “How to live when a loved one dies”.  A great addition to my grief collection.

It is a book of healing meditations. Its pages are filled with a large, easy to read font and short messages that are reflective of the pain one feels with loss. Divided into four sections, each one includes wisdom, self-care practices and poetic writing to encourage thought. The first chapter is grief and sets the tone with its opening line, “Our loved ones are in us, and we are in them. When a loved one dies, a part of us also dies.”

It moves you through effective meditation exercises and walks you into the next chapter of surviving our emotions. He writes, “The past is not truly gone; it is still here, and we can touch it.”  This chapter is filled with advice on how to face the many intense emotions death brings into our hearts and offers ways to help heal.

My favorite section is the third section. It is filled with a reassurance that nothing dies, it merely transforms.  “Look deeply to see your beloved in other forms”. He illustrates how life is like a cloud. The cloud is as we see it, but then it changes.  It may become rain, or snow.  It is no longer a cloud.  But it has not died. It does not become nothing, but rather something else. He asks us to look at death in the same manner.

The final section is about connecting with life. Reinforcing through rhythmical anecdotes of how our loved ones are within us and alive through our actions, our memories, their legacy we create. He reminds us that “we do not walk alone but rather with and for our family, for our loved ones, for the whole world.”

This is a book that can be read over and over. It gently pushes one to face their grief but cultivates the necessary tools to quiet the loudness of grief. “Who can say that your loved one has passed away? When you touch your loved one in the ultimate dimension, you see that they are still with you.” Thick Nhat Hanh teaches good mourning.

Taking Control of Change

November 12, 2023 /

My new day planner arrived by Amazon and the pages are like a blank canvas of what the upcoming new year may be like. I think about all the changes this year brought, the possible changes I wish for, and what I might be able to control. There is a tiny excitement that builds from the hope that it will be different, it will be softer, it will be full of the things I desire for my family, my friends and myself.

The truth is I hate change. I know it will come.  It could be good, bad, big, or small. But it will come. I find that any kind of change takes an energy that I don’t usually have to face it.  During a walk in the park to clear my head, I thought of the poets who write of how Autumn encourages nature to change to ready itself for the future.

We see the leaves have turned color and fallen; the air is now crisp in the early morning hours. Most of us appreciate the beauty of nature and how she bends to the ebbs and flows of life. We don’t accept changes in our own life as easily; we tend to shy away from it, especially when change has brought a living nightmare to our lives. Change becomes scary when we are grieving.

Change confirms that time is moving on. And it comes with an expectation that we are to move on. That is what I don’t like about it. It comes whether I like it or not (and often I don’t). In my opinion, change can go to hell.

I have had many people share with me the struggles they are having about where they are right now. Some of the challenges are health, others are financial, others are physical location. The common theme with these conversations is that change is needed. Needed, being the key word. So, maybe it is the fear of what change might bring, that keeps us from exploring possibilities.

Loss has brought us the definitive change.  Nothing will ever be the same.  And because we are mourning, because we want things to go back as they were, because we hurt to move forward without our loved ones, we resist change. To consider accepting change is a challenge, surely, we wouldn’t invite it into our lives. But what if we did? What if we looked at what changes we could bring in to help comfort us in our daily healing? What might be needed to bring this idea to fruition, to better our today and help bring a more peaceful tomorrow.

I came across a letter I wrote to Zane in March. I was telling him that I was cancelling his cell phone. I have been paying for it for 4+ years and it was time to change this. I was distraught with the idea that I would no longer have a ‘land line’ to my son. Silly, but to cancel his number was too much of a change to consider doing.  Until this time. So, what would this change look like?  What control did I have to make this change less painful. I decided to record his voice mail message, cancel the number, and take the monthly cost of keeping it, putting that amount into a savings account in his honor. A change of use for this expense. The phone is not needed, but a savings would be something he would have enjoyed. That simple combination of replacing one thing with a new more suited thing made the change easier. 

I wrote, “I can pretend that you just changed your number. In essence it has.  To some sort of heavenly number now. I should be ok with this, but I’m not. Your number was my earthly connection to you, my sweet boy.  And you always picked up.”

When we can’t control how change comes, or how big it comes, we can explore what can be done to ease the sting of such change. We can accept change or make modifications to it. And sometimes we can choose to ignore it, until time helps give us the strength it takes to face it.  

And That’s a Wrap!

November 5, 2023 /

Halloween this year was forgotten because of our daughter getting married.  It was all hands-on deck, welcoming the family from afar and catching up over many drinks while adding the final touches to her big day. A whirlwind of tasks, plans and last-minute worries end up in the limo rushing down Glenmore Trail to her soon-to-be husband.

In the end, our daughter’s wedding was everything she wanted it to be. And more. It was a beautiful day. The weather cooperated, with pictures taken outside, the waters of the North Reservoir in the background, and the blue sky above. I was strangely calm. In fact, even present in the moment, watching the faces of family and friends as our children said their vows with tears and laughter arising from the group.

I was strong when the pictures were being taken and my ‘other children’ gathered around me to pose, capturing the love on film I will be able to keep forever. Then the photographer said it was the last picture and it was to be of me and my daughter.  I thought it strange as she and I had our pictures taken already.  The photographer asked me to face the waters and put my arm around Payton. As we looked out, her maid of honor came around from behind us and handed me a framed picture. It was a print of three people, standing side by side. The bride in the middle, the mother on the left and a man on the right. It was uncanny that the hair coloring and even the dresses were the same as what we were wearing.  And then I saw the halo over the head of the man. And the words Te amo momma Fish were underneath, and I realized it was Zane standing next to the bride. I started to cry. My sweet daughter had found a way to bring her brother to her wedding, to me, and we were standing there together. The three of us. My heart exploded.

Planning this wedding was a multi-year effort. It was all consuming, but because of that, the details were perfect. Their vows to each other were full of symbolism from the movies they watched that had them both teary. The gown, a surprise for the groom, as he had expected black, but she wore white, left him breathless. They had a ‘change of costume’ at the reception, to dance their first song together. Not a waltz, no, this couple chose the theme from the movie Pulp Fiction!

The open bar graced framed pictures of those joining us from above. They even included one of my beloved Tango. There were bubbles blown for Zane, a menu that included his favorite dish and his favorite drink were offered to the guests.  Many did indulge in those choices to honor Zane. I am so proud of how my little girl included her big brother. There were speeches from their friends about how they feel like we are their family and belly laughs of past adventures that were shared with all. Truly, the spirit of the night was inclusive, so inclusive that the Heavens joined us.

I am grateful to all who attended, who supported us, not just in the planning of this day, but the times leading up to it. Our friends and relatives who understood how important this ceremony was to our family, each, in their own way stepped up big time to ensure it was one that would help us put grief aside and let love take over. My heart is filled with thanks.

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