The latest book I read was, “Grief is Love” by Marisa Renee Lee who wished to reveal how one can create space for their grief to help experience joy in this life. Her story is of loss that she has experienced personally through the death of her mother, a pregnancy and a young cousin. Interestingly she also explored the impact of grief on Black women, which she calls Black grief.
Her comparison of how Black women struggle more than others, made this an interesting read for me. I acknowledge that prejudices are alive and sadly abundant, but this book was about living with loss. The suggestion that one loss is greater than another was distracting. I have never thought of putting a color on grief.
Marisa writes how her grief was layered with the bigger picture of motherhood, lack of resources, and the overall issues with reproductive health in the United States as a Black woman. She writes, “It was not just about me or “just” about the pain of my pregnancy loss. I carried grief in my bones connected to the complicated history of motherhood and Black women.” She tells us that Black women in particular, suffer silently and if they don’t, they are met with disbelief or minimized. She speaks of how Black women try to bury their grief, causing self-harm by doing so. All things that many women experience but the effects of loss, every grief warrior has experienced. How was hers so different. I kept turning to the back page, looking at this beautiful, poised woman, thinking why do you carry such pain from so long ago with you. What that must do to your grief. Don’t you have enough? My heart poured out for the pain of this person; and distracted me from why I bought the book in the first place. To find joy. Not more grief.
I digress, this book is about loss and Marisa did provide the reader with some great advice on how to live with deep grief. From the basics, like giving yourself permission to grieve and feeling the pain, to more complex topics like how grief effects intimacy and the importance of grace. Her tip to “be prepared to extend grace to those around you, but most importantly, you need to extend grace to yourself.” That hit me hard.
My favorite chapters were Legacy and Love. She reminds us that the death of a loved one does and SHOULD change us. She writes, “You are their mark on this world…your transformation is their legacy.” I found that statement inspiring. And she assures us that death can be the beginning of a new relationship with your person. “Death asks us to figure out how to pull them forward, how to bring them into a new future with you.” I love that challenge.
Marisa could have ended the book there, but she continues. Her grief journey also brought to her, an understanding of the pain of discrimination and her commitment to “loving my Blackness in the midst of racism and white supremacy.” This created confusion for me, the subliminal message that loss is loss but even more so if you are a Black woman. I am sure I misunderstood that. I stand strong in the belief that loss is loss.
This book is that of an accomplished, young woman sharing her journey of loss which is complicated by her correlation to a historical tragedy that continues in acts of bias, violence and injustice. Her message of facing life with gratitude, hope and love is what all of us need to hear, and to practice. To this list I would add forgiveness. No matter who you are, what you look like, or where you come from. Perhaps living such a life could truly heal all wounds.
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