Author: Mama Fish (Page 5 of 24)

I See You Beside Us

February 4, 2024 / Mama Fish

The annual staff party was a highlight of Zane’s. It started with pre-drinks at his friend’s house to which the boss and another friend joined. They would laugh, play video games, and ‘prepare’ for the night ahead. I would drive him over and knew it would be a late-night cab ride home for him. He loved it. The tradition continues and Zane still attends in spirit.

As the favorite video game was played, his boss, yelled out, “here’s the part that I move in and beat Zane. Every time”. He laughs as the game cheers his victory. A toast follows. When I was told this, I could just see them all gathered around the TV, chanting each other on. Including Zane. This is the same group that has adopted the Jameson shot (to be had at every gathering) in honor of their buddy. It has been five years since my son was physically with them and yet, their celebrating him through memories, shared stories, and chatter as if he was here, really brings him here.

In our family, talking about our loved ones who have passed, as if they are still present, is common. We have relatives who have never met my husband’s mother but talk of her as if they had a lifetime with her. I never met her, but I know she and I are friends. I can hear her laugh as she pulls out her next room temperature beer from the carton on the floor. She was golden. She is golden.

Our clan includes family that are here and from across the realm in our daily living. They will forever be family. We celebrate their birthdays with all their favorites, and we speak to them, aloud or through prayer, for guidance. This is the power of storytelling. Of remembering. Of saying their names. We know they are the stars above us that are watching out for us. Still.

My heart is happy that Zane’s boss and his co-workers include him. Through their continued actions, their love of their friend, a culture of respect and inclusion has formed. The idea that Zane is not physically with them is subliminal to the joy he brought and still brings. My son is very lucky to have comrades that refuse to let death separate them.

Break From Current Reality

January 28, 2024 / Mama Fish

Lately my soul has been yelling louder than usual. The stresses of life are paramount and although I would not want to be doing anything differently, I needed a break. So, I ran away to the mountains. With the blessing of my family, I went solo. When I arrived, I had to unpack my overnight bag including the guilt for wanting to be alone. I am complicated. I opened my journal and wrote to Zane.

“I have run away to the mountains. Our refuge. My sis worried why I did, “it’s not like me”, she said. I did feel guilty that I wanted this to myself for a decadent two nights. But it was more a need than a want. My soul is screaming so LOUD lately and I have not had one second of solitude. It is the quiet I need to recharge. I had to go. And the silence of the condo here is blissful. I can feel my heart slow down. Here, my thoughts are realizing that I will get to each of them, one at a time. There is no need for them to push and shove! The mountains are powerful, and I can feel their magic envelop me.”

My stay included listening to my soul and following her lead. I slept in late. I ordered a breakfast smoothie of strawberries and basil. I did a bit of work and then closed my computer and went into town to shop. I lingered. I came back to pour myself a gin and tonic. Not any gin and tonic. The gin was Zane’s favorite. Hendricks. I sipped it as I walked around the trails that we took Tango on. I cried unapologetic tears for the past walks here, that I had with my son and my dog. I cried, for the new walk I was on this moment with each of them in spirit. I took pictures of my moment. I shared them with my husband and daughter, grateful that this moment I am taking they approve of. They wish this for me. It makes me cry harder.

My stay included laughing at a (non-Hallmark) movie, a little condo housework, magazine reading and meditation. All things I have identified as things I need to help me keep friends with my grief. It also included things I didn’t think I was capable of in my emotional state. I ordered take out at a local restaurant and rather than having it delivered, I sat at the bar and waited for it. Something Zane had taught me. He had said, “Mom, if you are feeling insecure going to a bar by yourself, walk in, walk up to the bar, and sit down at the bar. The bartenders like to chat, and you look like you own the place.” I had a wonderful conversation with the young man who took my order, about his life in this town since he moved here in 2005. Thank you, Zane.

The other thing I noticed was as I waited for my dinner order, the music playing was a song that was upbeat, one Zane would play. My family knows that I can’t do music since his death. They politely turn it off when I enter the room as listening throws me into an emotional meltdown. I heard the song, and before I could react, I noticed that my foot was moving to its beat as I gazed at the mountain outside the bar window. I was ok. My boy was with me. So, I listened to it. With no tears but rather a bee bop of head and shoulders as the song played. Yes, I am ok when I am in the mountains. It is where my son lives.

This reprieve confirmed what I already know. One must listen to what one’s soul needs and oblige. For me to be my best for me, my family, my friends, my career, and this earth, I must take time to spend with those I love on the other realm. Each of us needs a break from our current reality to recharge, reflect and redirect. For me, the mountains are calling, and I must go.

Old Blue Eyes

January 21, 2024 / Mama Fish

There was a holiday season, a long time ago, where we visited two friends often. Then health, travel and kids took priority and we saw each other less. Every time we got together it was like picking up where we left off. That is the way of good friends. Time means nothing. Until it does.

The last time I saw our friend, we were walking Tango. He pulled up beside us and we chatted about life, the age of our dog, the battles we all were going through with our health. He was concerned about my cancer; how my recovery was going. He didn’t want to talk about his own battle with cancer. His health “was pickled with the scotch I drink” he’d laugh. His blue eyes twinkled. They were always filled with a light, a love for those around him. It earned him the nickname, ‘old blue eyes.’ “We must get together soon,” I said as Tango pulled on his leash to let me know it was time to keep going. “Yes, we will”, he waved goodbye.

The news of his death came as a shock. It shouldn’t have, but it did. Another friend I somehow felt would be around forever. Or at the very least until we had that next drink we were planning.

His physical absence will be missed by a very large community. His soft demeanour, sense of humor and love for family and friends attracted a big group of admirers that relished in his company. We were lucky to be a part of that. He is the man that sent a card to us, each birthday, death anniversary and holiday of Zane’s, letting us know he will never forget him and how lucky we are to be loved by our son. I treasured his kind gesture, honoring our son in such a tender, personal way. That was so typical of the kindness he showed. He was always just a call away and if the porch light was on, the door was open to come in and enjoy a drink.

His passing hit us all hard. Even my daughter burst into tears. That’s how special he is. That’s how deep the impact of his friendship is. We are taught that grief is the price we pay for love. And as we sit quietly together, grief joins us. And yet, somehow, the love our friend had of this life spills over us, washing us with a sense, a reminder, that the game is not over, only the course has changed.

“In golf and life, it is the follow through that makes the difference.” My sweet friend, you were a sure hit, making a difference as your soul gathered many to enjoy the beauty of this life. May we continue to see you at tee time!

Savoring Tiny Moments of Clarity

January 14, 2024 / Mama Fish

This week has been nothing I had written in my calendar to be. It all changed when I answered the phone to hear the frantic voice of my friend’s son. “Dad went for a walk and got lost. We can’t find him.” The local weather dictates staying indoors and somehow my friend has chosen to go for a walk and is nowhere to be found. This is brain cancer.

His son did find him, and we began to work as a team, spending a whole day in emergency, pleading with doctors, and then working with home care, social workers, lodge staff, trying to put parameters in place to ensure my friend is safe. It has not been easy, and it has been all consuming.

One afternoon, it was just him and I. We talked about doctor appointments and what results we hope for. Memory recall lasts only minutes, so the conversation is repeated. He is so very positive about life, about finding a cure. “One step in front of the other,” he says. I ask him, “have you given any thought to if the doctor says there are no more treatments they can do?” I ask this because we know this is the case. He looks into my eyes, and I gently touch his arm. “Just for a minute, go there and tell me what you think.” He ponders this. I am not sure how much understanding he has about this notion. He looks up and says to me, “well, what will be will be”. I lifted my coffee cup, and we clinked as if to toast the moment.

The doctors have said that the end-of-life stage has begun. But we know better. End-of-life does not exist. It should be defined as end-of-earth. We knew 16 months ago when he was diagnosed that this day would come. Somehow, all that knowledge does not make it any easier for us. And the person who we love we now watch, slowly, losing his brain power, not knowing what is happening in his own life. It doubles the grief.

The days are spent in hyper mode calling the experts, driving to appointments, the worry about support…it makes the time go by fast and at the end of each day, we are more like caregivers than friends and family. My friend senses this. It confuses him as to why we have all these new people coming to visit. Why he must spend time in hospital waiting rooms. Why he must spend the cold weekend at his daughter’s house. He doesn’t understand it is because he can no longer rationalize what is best for his own safety and comfort. This is pre-grief, the early stages where we know the inevitable is near, but we are too busy in the present to be present.

I suggested to his son that we need to focus on the moments of clarity. These moments are few and far between and will continue to become fewer and farther but right now we have these moments. We must stop thinking in these moments of the grief, of the future. We must open our hearts to feeling the moment. Really feeling the blessing of the moment. These moments will become the memories, kept in our heart, for the days after grief arrives to stay.

“Shattered”- by Gary Roe

January 7, 2024 / Mama Fish

If more reading was one of your New Year’s goals, pick up a copy of Gary Roe’s book, “Shattered”.

I am not sure when I read this book or if I wrote about it before. I can’t seem to find proof of either happened. And yet, when I open this book to share, I know I have read and written about it. So, what the universe is doing with tricking me into thinking I haven’t, led me to believe that perhaps there is something about this book that is worth repeating.

What one can expect with this book is truthful, applicable learning of a community who shares grief. Divided into 6 categories, Gary takes the reader through each emotionally charged area with stories, facts, questions to ponder and ideas to try to support your grief.

It is worth a second read and when I reread it, I got even more out of it. Different time, different stage, I leaned into the idea that negative thoughts and self medicating is natural, I don’t have to be brave. I empathized with the parents whose physical ailments are real but the energy to heal is not there. I heard that my anger is about the loss of so very much and most importantly, it is ok to be mad. Mad is good. Mad is about acknowledging the unfairness, the insanity of having to live without the physical presence of our child.

This book is a must read. A repeated read. Gary brings through this book, a reminder that grief is an individual journey, but we are never alone.

Thank you, Gary, for taking the courage to write on a subject that had not hit you directly. Thank you for working with and sharing with all of us, your compassion for our pain. Thank you for identifying the dark feelings our society feels should be ignored or fixed. Some things can’t be fixed. Thank you for reassuring us that we will never be the same and that is ok. Thank you for giving us hope that one day, there might be moments we will not cry in pain but rather in joy.

I don’t believe that I will ever heal, ever get over, ever get pass my loss. But I find a small comfort in the words of others who travel the same path that peace can be found. Gary’s work, and the collected stories inside his book truly support good mourning.

Conversations of New Year’s Eve

December 31, 2023 / Mama Fish

New Year’s Eve always took me along for the ride. When Jon worked, I would drive up to the club to hang out with friends and members, bringing in the New Year with him in between his duties. I grew tired of that and opted to stay home later, spending New Year’s Eve with the dog and a bottle of wine. It was blissful. Payton would want to spend it with us if there was no boyfriend in her life. Zane almost always worked that night but would never miss sending a “happy new year mama” text from wherever he was. Somehow those nights didn’t feel lonely, they felt peaceful.

Our tradition, since Zane was killed, is to spend the evening together, the three of us, huddled in the keg lounge at the ‘early seating’ to enjoy our favorite foods and a great glass of wine. It is a time we talk about what we want in the new year. The conversation is light and enjoyable. We then come home to watch a movie or chat some more…I’m not sure where the endless conversation comes from. But it does and I am grateful. We are all tucked into our own beds before midnight, and I end the night with a meditative visit with my son. As in the past, this year will go something like this.

“I wonder what you would be doing this year”, I ask him. “Probably working”, I hear him laugh. “Really?”, I ask as I run my finger along his picture, “would you not have a day job by now?” I smile at his smile. I continue to talk out loud about what I think I could do to honor him in the upcoming year. “It’s going to be hard to beat your modeling gig of this year.” I wink. “Maybe your photography needs to take a bigger spot.” I watch his face, happy, looking back at me. I can see the twinkle in his eyes. The room is quiet. The nightlight, his nightlight, softly illuminating my room. My thoughts go to what the new year might be like. What worries it will bring. What sadness it will bring. And I send a little prayer to my angels for strength to handle it. And for sight, the ability to see the joy and newness the year also brings. I don’t want to live in the worry. I want to live in the possibility.

As I think of these things and feel the hope of the new year, I notice it is midnight. I close my eyes. “Happy New Year Zane”. “I love you mama,” I feel him say. As was always my reply, I whisper, “I love you more.”

May 2024 be gentle. May it bring with it what each of us needs to relish in this life we have. May it bring supernatural experiences, proof that those we love are chatting with us each and every night.

Hello Santa, Are You There?

December 24, 2023 / Mama Fish

Last year I wished for silence to help me heal. And it came, but in short spurts and not often enough. Maybe I was to be more specific. Or maybe that was all I was to receive. I’m not sure. But this year has been a challenge. We lost eleven members of our tribe. And more members received unwanted medical news. So, this year, I will try to be specific.

Dear Santa, my wish is for strength.

The strength needed for those suffering

to wake and face the day

with courage and faith.

The strength needed for those grieving

to look past the pain and see

signs sent from the ones they miss.

The strength needed to face the mirror

and believe there is hope,

that another year

will be ours to share.

The strength needed to walk the souls’ path

and choose the very direction at each crossroad

that will bring us closer to who we are to be.

Dear sweet Santa, I believe that strength is what is needed.

Mind, body, and soul

to move us forward.

I’m not sure how it comes,

In pretty boxes with bows

Or more of a quiet wash over,

leaving one with a sigh and

sense of determination.

That’s your job Santa, as the season’s messenger

of the unknown, have your elves create

strength in the form needed for each of us

to travel into the next year with optimism,

with joy, with peace and love.

Strength, to feel the meaning of this season in the heat of the sun

and the magic of this season in the torrent rains.

Strength that gives breath to our purpose

and actions to honor this life we have.

If I Stop, I Might Get There

December 17, 2023 / Mama Fish

I have a friend who has mailed a greeting card to me, every month, sometimes twice a month. The written sentiments are like hugs reaching out from the paper to let me know she is there for me. She has been doing this since 2018! It is her way of showing me, she is aware of my eternal loss, and she is there for me.

In the grief community such acts are the threads that keep us together. Meeting parents who have experienced the same loss we tend to unite on a level that is profoundly different than the friendships we have with others. Nothing bonds you like the sharpness of grief. With it comes a sense of responsibility to be there for them, at birthdays, at anniversaries of the death, it becomes an internal part of your calendar. And when something comes up; a conflict in scheduling or a family emergency, and you miss an occasion to grieve together, guilt joins you. It recently happened to me.

I had promised my friend that I would be attending the ‘birthday party’. I had full intentions to be there. And then life happened, and I chose not to. I sent an apology to my friend and have received no reply. I know that feelings are hurt. Worse, this month contains another ‘anniversary’ that I should be at, but the busy holidays have been pre-booked, and I will be missing that date too. Ouch. My life has become such that what I want to do, what I feel I should do, and what I end up doing conflict almost always.

And then I remembered Zane telling me, “You have to take care of you too mama, or you are no good to anyone else.” It’s good advice for all of us but even better if you are not well, emotionally, or physically. Lately, I am not well in either department. So how do we do it all when we have no energy to do anything? And how do we keep our promises and our obligations when life’s pressures surmount.

When I meditated on this, I reminded myself that I am that A personality that always takes on too much. A mother hen my sister calls me. And it becomes difficult when you feel responsible for as many people as the old woman who lived in a shoe. That is who I seem to have become. Only half of my good intentions are fulfilled, and I feel like I am letting down those I care for more often than I like. This is typical for we that are titled ‘the caregiver’ or ‘an empath’ or other labels along the same. We have an ingrained expectation to be all for all. I have always said that my goal is to save the world and still be ready for cocktails at 4. How does one change the habits that have been cultivated, in good faith, when they become destructive to your own health? As the saying goes, ‘we are our own worse enemy’. I want to be friends with myself.

In the break of day, I am going to ask myself, what do I need today to serve my family? The answer to that must be the priority of the day. How can I support my family and friends? That answer must not be by being there all the time; there is not enough of me to go around! It must be a way that honors their needs and respects my energy. And I must act in that manner, believe I need not do more and tell guilt to go away.

My girlfriend, the card sender, does that well. She has found a way to be there for others, including me, that respect her energy, her time and yet, the ways she chooses to be there for her family and friends, it is meaningful. I look forward to my monthly hug in the mail. It seems excessive that she continues to do this and yet it I can’t imagine my mailbox without one of her cards. I’m going to apply her kindness as a model to develop ways that I can support those I care about and still have enough energy to smile at the end of the day.

Your Candle Calls to You

December 10, 2023 / Mama Fish

Zane loved candles. He had different scents, different sizes, different containers to which he would choose one to light, or several, depending on his mood. His candles were his message to the night skies that he was awake and aware of the universal magic. I have ceremoniously burnt his candles over the years, leaving a little bit of each to which I have stored in a paper bag. This year I have repurposed them in honor of Candle Lighting Day.

My daughter and I bought small vases and wicks and a pot. We chose the candle stubs of white, pink, and red and placed them in the pot. We melted them and poured the new color into the vases and set them to cool.

I had a lot of fun doing this. Repurposing what Zane had lit years ago. Keeping his favorite scents and melting them into another form of ‘life’ to enjoy over again. It was easy and yet so very sentimental.

This year’s tradition of lighting a candle in honor of our children who have passed, I will use the beautiful illumination of Zane’s recycled candles. The flame, glowing into the dark night for Zane, and for the children of friends who walk this path with me.

Taking your memories, the pieces left behind,

putting them into a pot, stirring them gently together to melt,

to liquify and turn a new color, a soft holiday shade.

Pouring them into unbroken vessels to cool,

they take a newfound and beautiful form,

a new glow that will light the room

and fill it with a scent of spice and cedar.

How beautiful, how fun it was

to create a different beginning

from something you once enjoyed

that I will, we will,

now enjoy.

The irony is not lost

how the candle you once burned,

sending your thoughts to the dark night skies,

now burn anew, filled with a reincarnated energy

as if to answer you

‘We are still here.’

Alas, each flame that flickers,

millions across the globe,

has the same message.

If the tears, we cry could beckon your return…

The candles soft glow reminding the Universe,

our hearts will always ache for the warm light

of our children’s earthly presence.

Switching Up the Holiday Outlook

December 3, 2023 / Mama Fish

I’d be amiss if I didn’t mention that this month is Drunk & Drugged Driving Prevention month. Last year 40,000 loved ones perished due to someone choosing to drive impaired. This number does not touch anywhere near the real number of those devastated; the many more hundreds of thousands effected by such loss. The dreams and plans and hopes, smashed with no chance of ever being the same again. It happened to us. But I’m not going there. This is the Christmas season.

The holidays are a time of hope and miracles and love and faith. I want that. I want to replace the sound of a busy mall with the crackling of a fire. I want the smells of gingerbread and mulled wine filling my home. I want my heart to feel the quiet peaceful morning before the demands of the season come rushing in to take over. I want that Hallmark truth about this season. Each year, I believe I have tried to make it special and ease the pain of Zane not being here. And each New Year, I debrief with a sigh and a shrug that next Christmas will be different. So why do I think this pattern will ever change? Because I need it to. That’s why.

Sometimes our grief permeates into a sadness that we become too comfortable with to change. This season brings an excuse to hold tight to our grief. “The holidays are the heaviest time of year for those mourning” we are told. I don’t disagree, but I am starting to think that I might be turning this ‘fact’ into an excuse. Should I not be trying harder to get along with my grief if this season is as tough as we know it to be? When I look at the list of all things to practice easing grief, those practices go out the window with the common pressures of the oh-too-commercial of a season. Maybe I should work harder on bringing the magic of the season forward and ignoring the business side of Christmas.

My daughter texted me, “I want Zane to run up the stairs and open his stocking with me”. She is feeling the apprehension of the season’s loud message that we are to be with the ones we love. When that is impossible, to do what we used to do before our loved ones left, we need to switch up the holiday outlook. I am going to try this. For my daughter. For Zane. For me. I am going to embrace the real reason why this time of year is to be celebrated. I am going to take my grief and show it a good time.

This year I am going to focus on what can I do to celebrate, include, honor Zane over the holidays. I’m going to take a day each week to do something that brings the holidays home. With Zane. He loved to “rock the first candy-cane of the season”. He loved taking pictures of the bright lights. He loved snuggling in his blanket with a good book or a great show. He loved to connect with friends over a drink and bake cookies to share. He loved to build a snowman. He knew how to stop and smell the roses. I need more of that. I need more Zane in my life.

I know that being still raises our vibration, our awareness that those we love are with us. Perhaps that is the practice I need this holiday season. Whether it eases my sadness or not, I am aware that it will never be as we want, so finding a bittersweet compromise might improve my holiday debrief in the New Year.