Category: Good Readings (Page 1 of 3)

Suggested readings to support your grief

Grief is Love by Marisa Renee Lee

November 17, 2024 / Mama Fish / 0 Comments

The latest book I read was, “Grief is Love” by Marisa Renee Lee who wished to reveal how one can create space for their grief to help experience joy in this life. Her story is of loss that she has experienced personally through the death of her mother, a pregnancy and a young cousin. Interestingly she also explored the impact of grief on Black women, which she calls Black grief.

Her comparison of how Black women struggle more than others, made this an interesting read for me. I acknowledge that prejudices are alive and sadly abundant, but this book was about living with loss. The suggestion that one loss is greater than another was distracting. I have never thought of putting a color on grief.

Marisa writes how her grief was layered with the bigger picture of motherhood, lack of resources, and the overall issues with reproductive health in the United States as a Black woman. She writes, “It was not just about me or “just” about the pain of my pregnancy loss. I carried grief in my bones connected to the complicated history of motherhood and Black women.” She tells us that Black women in particular, suffer silently and if they don’t, they are met with disbelief or minimized. She speaks of how Black women try to bury their grief, causing self-harm by doing so. All things that many women experience but the effects of loss, every grief warrior has experienced. How was hers so different. I kept turning to the back page, looking at this beautiful, poised woman, thinking why do you carry such pain from so long ago with you. What that must do to your grief. Don’t you have enough? My heart poured out for the pain of this person; and distracted me from why I bought the book in the first place. To find joy. Not more grief.

I digress, this book is about loss and Marisa did provide the reader with some great advice on how to live with deep grief. From the basics, like giving yourself permission to grieve and feeling the pain, to more complex topics like how grief effects intimacy and the importance of grace. Her tip to “be prepared to extend grace to those around you, but most importantly, you need to extend grace to yourself.” That hit me hard.

My favorite chapters were Legacy and Love. She reminds us that the death of a loved one does and SHOULD change us. She writes, “You are their mark on this world…your transformation is their legacy.” I found that statement inspiring. And she assures us that death can be the beginning of a new relationship with your person. “Death asks us to figure out how to pull them forward, how to bring them into a new future with you.” I love that challenge.

Marisa could have ended the book there, but she continues. Her grief journey also brought to her, an understanding of the pain of discrimination and her commitment to “loving my Blackness in the midst of racism and white supremacy.” This created confusion for me, the subliminal message that loss is loss but even more so if you are a Black woman. I am sure I misunderstood that. I stand strong in the belief that loss is loss.

This book is that of an accomplished, young woman sharing her journey of loss which is complicated by her correlation to a historical tragedy that continues in acts of bias, violence and injustice. Her message of facing life with gratitude, hope and love is what all of us need to hear, and to practice. To this list I would add forgiveness. No matter who you are, what you look like, or where you come from. Perhaps living such a life could truly heal all wounds.

Welcome Home by Najwa Zebian

September 22, 2024 / Mama Fish

I picked up the book “Welcome Home” because of its tag line, “a guide to building a home for your soul”. We are told that when great loss arrives, we will never be the same. Nor should we want to. I have bought into that theory. However, this belief then begs the question, where does my soul live now? Thus, a guide to answering this question intrigued me.

Najwa is a young poet and author. She is a Lebanese Canadian activist who has struggled all her life with where she belongs and finding ‘homes’ in all the wrong places. Her journey has led her to write about a concept of building within your mind a home that is for your soul happiness. She takes the reader through seven chapters, each one a room to develop.

Her writing includes clips of her past poetry, details of her own journey as to why each room was created and ideas of how to build your own. The rooms are simple; self-love, compassion, respect, listening and dreaming. The two I enjoyed most were clarity and surrender.

Clarity was all about intuition. We forget to listen to our gut in grief because our feelings are raw and mixed and uncertain. Although Najwa was not referring to those mourning, but rather an overall, “I’m not happy, but I want to be” discovery, it can be applicable to grief warriors. It is important that we begin to trust our gut once again.

Surrender was the room where you take off the mask. This is the room, in building a life of joy, that Najwa suggests we listen to our self, to our heart, and to our soul. She writes, “Just surrender. Don’t just hear your inner voice. Actually, listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. Hear your soul. And…Listen to your pain.”

That chapter hit me. I would like to think that is what we do in mourning. But maybe not. Or maybe we listen to our pain but then what? Do we put it back on the shelf, close the door, or ignore it? What would that feel like to really hear our pain. The thought scares me. I struggle leaning into my pain. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to immerse myself in it. What would it say? And how would I answer? Or maybe, I don’t answer. Maybe, for now, I just start to listen better, deeper, and more often.

Although this book wasn’t a typical book to find on your grief reading list, it contains some ideas to support our heart when we are searching for ways to how we continue this path that loss has placed us on. Hope can be found in the building of a safe and peaceful place for our broken heart to reside.

Where Did You Go? by Christina Rasmussen

September 8, 2024 / Mama Fish

One of the very first books I read after Zane was killed was written by Christina Rasmussen. Her story was about her beloved husband who passed from cancer. Her heart could not believe that he was gone, so she set out to search for a way to connect with his spirit. The results and how we can do the same, are captured in her book, “Where Did You Go?”

I bought this book because of the front cover. The title was the question I was asking. The tag line promises a “life-changing journey to connect with those we’ve lost”. Who doesn’t want that? Recently, I found it on my bookshelf and wondered why I didn’t remember this one. I started looking through it again and realized that I comprehended more than I thought. I discovered that my current beliefs and practices were born from this book.

Christina, who is grounded in science, relates to death through the physics lens. She has created a meditational practice using seven ‘chapters’ to open your mind and possibly change the way you grieve. I trusted her words when she said, “Get ready for surprises and be doubted by your friends. Be okay with that. This is your journey, not theirs.”

She suggests listening to binaural beats, a frequency of music which creates a shift in brain activity and drumbeats, which can create a trance state. With that background, she illustrates a ‘temple’ you begin to create through meditation. Back then, I confused temple, thinking it was a place she was trying to get me to create, and I didn’t want that. I just wanted to be with Zane. Her suggestions were a bit crazy, even for me. So, I finished the book, put it on the shelf and carried on with my grief.

Reading it a second time, I found myself nodding. Yes, I listen to binaural beats all the time, it’s the only music I can hear. My favorite frequency is 963Hz, which was also the frequency Zane listened to. My meditations usually begin visualizing a path I am on and walking up to a door. The door changes, depending on my state of mind, but there is a door. This is the first piece of the temple Christina suggests that you create. It opens your subconscious mind. My meditations are grounded in her theory to how we connect to our loved ones. I had forgotten all of this.

I am reading it over. Now, deeper into my grief journey, and many, many real connections with Zane and my other loved ones across the veil, I am relishing in its suggestions. I am hanging on to each idea to finesse what I already am doing, hoping to strengthen what I already know. What she is teaching is belief. Belief that our loved ones have only exited this realm. They are still very much alive inside a cosmic consciousness that is of one with the infinite universe which includes us. Thank you, Christina, for your far-out theory that has been the salvation of my grief.

Coping with Grief Overload by Dr. Wolfelt

July 9, 2024 / Mama Fish

I preach that when you experience more than 3 of the top 10 stresses within a year, you become ill. Death is the top stress and when our family has experienced over a dozen in less than two years, how do I wonder why I am not feeling well. It is called grief overload. And it’s a real thing.

I turned to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, author and grief expert whose books support healing. His mini resource, “Too Much Loss: Coping with Grief Overload” was written for those who have experienced too many significant losses in a short span.

He begins by categorizing the many types of grief such as traumatic loss, grief of a caregiver, and back-to-back losses. He talks about how such losses affect one both mentally and physically. He offers exercises and suggestions on how to cope. It is a simple read and a truly helpful resource.

My aha moment was the exercise around understanding how many deficits one has had. We have lost multiple family and friends and yet, his exercise on taking inventory of all your recent losses illustrated I had more than I thought. Yes, we define loss as a loved one dying but loss is also a relationship, a home, a job, a sentimental item, or your health. Things I had not considered as they measured small to the people leaving earth. Yet, they count too. Loss is loss.

Once these losses were recorded, the next exercise was to take each one and reflect on how you are currently dealing with it. Are you numb to it or are you anxious about it. Do you feel guilty or angry? Or have some losses included a sense of relief? Placing a feeling to each loss helps understand why your feelings are such. When I did this exercise, Zane was listed under each area whereas others were listed under only one. And I discovered sadness is the category that every loss has a place in. This was an insightful exercise to see on paper where each of my losses fit and highlighted why that emotion is overwhelming me in other areas of my life.

What happens to us with grief overload is that we begin to shut down because we don’t know how to focus on one loss at a time. We are overwhelmed. Our brain starts to confuse which is which and why and then moves onward, leaving no time to ‘sit with our pain’ as we know how to when dealing with a single loss. Thus, our pain from each individual loss accumulates and festers as a mood swing or a weight gain or a foggy brain.

Dr Wolfelt advises professional counselling might be needed. He suggests scheduling time each day to sit with your losses. Address the one that is loudest and feel that pain. Then practice what we have learned with singular grief, focus on remembering, honoring that which is now gone. And then move on with the day. Breathe, self-care, time out. There is no time limit for healing.

He ends this book with the mourner’s bill of rights. A reminder to what we need and should expect when grieving, including the right to be tolerant of our physical and emotional limits.

PS: my apologies for the late posting of this week’s blog…I was basking in the sunshine of Ontario with family to which I will share with you soon, the healing wonders of such a trip!

Imagine Heaven by John Burke

June 2, 2024 / Mama Fish

John Burke is an author, international speaker, and a pastor. His book shares the near-death experience (NDE) of hundreds of people and their story of what they saw when their soul was temporarily disconnected from their body. This subject makes an interesting read. The fact that every person had a similar experience (regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, or location) makes it a fascinating read.

As a grieving mother, I found comfort in the recollections of a place that starts with a bright light, a welcoming committee of loved ones and a sense of purity with no anguish of any kind. Those who have had an NDE all shared similar experiences of being in a place that contains an endless kaleidoscope of colors, where flowers and forests are forever, and water comes alive.

Each person had a meeting with a male figure who showed them a life review of their journey on earth. It was unanimously described how the experiences they had on earth were felt, not by how they felt but by how the person they had interacted with felt. And each review ended with the question, “what have you done with the life I gave you?” The answer seems to be “not enough” as to why they are then sent back to earth. There is unfinished business.

NDE’s seem to affect the rest of their life. Each person is reported to have gone on to live a fuller, more spiritual life that is filled with gratitude, and an understanding that, at the end of their day, they will be living for eternity in a place so beautiful that words cannot describe it. It makes me wish that each of us could have an NDE!

Where Pastor Burke lost me, was when he wrote about the ‘bema seat’. Yes, apparently how well we do in our earthly body, will be judged, and rewarded by God. He quotes scripture to explain his point, (from 1 Corinthians) where Paul compares judgment to building a house. The foundation must be an unwavering belief in Jesus, and on judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The more dedication, and unselfishness, the higher the reward.

I’m not opposed to living a life of service and being kind to others. I try to practice that in my every day. But the whole theory of what I did to be judged by the same person that, in different chapters of gospel, teach us not to judge others seems a bit contradictory. Or maybe Jesus is like Santa, “you better watch out, you better not pout, I’m telling you why….” I don’t know why I find being nice for Santa more palatable. Perhaps because Santa judges my year, not my whole life.

And then how does the big guy judge our children? Our loved ones? Did their house measure up in the fire to receive the maximum rewards? This part of Imagine Heaven, I don’t want to imagine. It creates within me, the grief warrior, more what if questions that will keep me up at night.

I waiver around the idea that the ‘good book’ has all the answers. Maybe it contains clues, but a failproof plan I must live by to enrich my extended soul’s life? I like to believe that God knows how hard I try, is part of the group that created my soul plan and that my inefficiencies were part of that plan. To learn and to grow. Not to be judged. The biggest takeaway, from Imagine Heaven, that I will cling to, is that there is a place where I will be reunited with those I love. Especially Zane.

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“Finding Meaning” by David Kessler

April 14, 2024 / Mama Fish

Each of us who lives with grief, searches for new meaning. David Kessler’s book, “Finding Meaning” is said to hold the tools to help those experiencing loss find just that. He writes as the foremost expert on grief but more importantly, he writes as a father who lost his own son. I was told this book is a must-read, so I picked it up and was not disappointed.

Filled with stories, advice and ideas, this book was like a warm hug. It begins, with David sharing how Elisabeth Kubler-Ross saw butterflies drawn on the walls of the concentration camps and witnessed how often dying children in hospice drew butterflies. She came to the realization that the butterfly is a universal picture of transformation. A story of how life does continue. He tells us that our relationship with our loved one changes after death, but it will also continue. “The challenge will be to make it a meaningful one.”

He illustrates the first step in finding meaning is to change our thoughts. Typical phrases like ‘this death happened to me’ can be changed to ‘death happens’ and removing words like never (never will I be happy) and always (I will always hurt). These actions open our mind to healing.

He encourages us to leave blame behind. Instead of asking ‘why’ questions, to which there is little control, ask questions of ‘how’. How can we honor our loved ones? How can we create an (albeit different) life that includes them? How can you use your experience to help others? When we turn away from why and live in how, we become present, and healing can happen.

David reassures us that the pain we feel is normal. “You can’t heal what you can’t feel”, he writes. If you are feeling sad, lean into it and feel the sadness. There will be a gang of feelings, and each will demand its own time. Without accepting the pain, or if we ignore it, we will not get to a place where we can remember with love.

David suggests that there is a difference between a grief burst, which we all know too well, and a love burst. A love burst is a surge of bliss related to our loved one that we experience when we remember and talk about a cheerful time or a quality of that person we enjoyed.

I truly adore this phase. A love burst. It just sounds happy. I still encounter grief bursts. A lot. But I am going to actively work towards feeling more love bursts. What a neat way to honor Zane. He loved it when I laughed. He had such a great laugh. Oh, how I cherished it when either of us had something funny happen and we couldn’t wait to share it with the other. I want more love bursts with my son.

David has identified ‘finding meaning’ as the sixth stage of grief. It completes the other 5 stages of grief. We are aware that the stages are not linear and that we pass from one stage to another and back, all through our lifetime. This sixth stage is lighter. The stage of meaning is joyful and filled with hope of all things we each wish for; to continue having a relationship with our loved ones.

“Ageless Soul” by Thomas Moore

March 3, 2024 / Mama Fish

Zane had a thing about old age. He didn’t like it. He watched our friends grow older with complicated health issues and told me that wasn’t what he would want. I laughed at him saying he had little choice so get used to it! (I see the irony of my reply now). Zane shared his belief; “The idea is to die young, as late as possible.” We chuckled.

I bought the book “Ageless Soul” by Thomas Moore, thinking it was about our children whose soul is ageless because they departed from earth too soon. The tag line of this book states it was about the lifelong journey toward meaning and joy. I was wrong; it had nothing to do with the eternal lives of our children, so much as it was about each of us growing older and how to do so gracefully. I read it anyway.

Thomas Moore is a bestselling author of books related to cultivating a mature spiritual life. His most recent professional position is that of psychotherapist to which he shares client experiences, science research and case studies, all as evidence on the importance of growing old with poise. The book starts by outlining the signs that we all experience as we age and challenging us to think differently about gray hairs and achy bones. It’s a good thing in Mr. Moore’s opinion. And if we were to accept it as part of the cycle of life, rather than fighting it, our role on this earth would change from ‘old person’ to ‘sage person’ filled with experiences and knowledge that could be shared with others.

What I liked about this book, besides the inspiration to feeling ok with the inevitable, is that a lot of his advice to accepting age graciously, we grief warriors are already doing because of our loss. He assures us that melancholy is ok, that feeling this way you may discover things about you and your life that you would not if always cheerful. Old age gives us the opportunity to digest our past experiences and discover who we are from them. He also believes that honoring our loved ones who have passed is essential in growing old gracefully. It can change us when we accept that this is how it is and how do we want to live with it. Kicking and screaming is not a viable option. Nor is ignoring it.

The common emotions related to aging such as being angry, feelings of loneliness, or my favorite, your soul getting sick physically because your body is, resonated with how closely aging is to coping with grief. Youth is lost. We are no longer the person we were in our younger years. Who are we now? Do we withdraw and become that grumpy old person? Or do we open our hearts to experiencing new adventures and share our life, including our past, with those we know and love. And those we don’t. Mr. Moore suggests we can become elders, relate to younger generations, and cultivate a legacy for when we depart. Our golden years can demonstrate a life that is commemorated, despite the pain and suffering of the past.

At the end of the book, I thought it was serendipity that I decided to read it. We are aware that grief ages us faster than the person who has not experienced deep grief. With the writing of “Ageless Soul”, Mr. Moore wished to teach the reader how to embrace the richness of experience to feel fulfilled. Whether he intended to or not, his encouragement to think now about how we can grow old with peace and grace complements the lessons we learn in grief.

“How To Fix a Broken Heart” ~Guy Winch

February 11, 2024 / Mama Fish

In honor of upcoming Valentine’s Day, which is also ‘give-a-book-day’, I wanted to share my thoughts on the latest book I read. “How to Fix a Broken Heart” by Guy Winch is a book for those who have suffered from heartbreak. The compassionate psychologist shares the wisdom he has obtained through his practice of the many patients who have come to him to help heal their broken heart and move on.

I found myself nodding in agreement to Guy’s insight of how a physical break (like a broken arm) brings with it sympathy from others and leniency whereas a broken heart does not. The pain of a broken heart is not seen except through tears and sadness to which society endures such feelings for but a short time before we are expected to move on. But heartbreak does affect us physically.

In chapter two, Guy brings to light that our body and mind are broken when the heart has been crushed. In fact, a case study of volunteers undergoing MRIs to scan and record brain activity shows that heartbreak, in the brain, has the same results as unbearable physical pain. He continues, warning us of the actions we partake with heartbreak including fixating on pictures and social media posts, outbursts of anger and irrational actions deter us from healing.

Guy’s remedy for healing includes our culture to better understand, accept and care for those grieving. All true. What I found challenging with his suggestions is that there will some day be a morning where, if all things practiced, I do wake up and am able to move on, leaving the heartbreak behind. This goes against everything else I have been learning, related to finding ways to move forward, not on, with heartbreak. And maybe that simple little word on is where I am stuck.

When living with eternal grief, the idea of one day moving on from it complicates our healing by alluding that we should and if we don’t, can’t or won’t, there is something wrong. It brings guilt. We are expected to move on and here is a man who is agreeing with our pain and the lack of notice society gives it but then is telling us, here are the steps to do just that. Move on. I have chosen never to move on, so the advice becomes mute. To move on would in some way mean that I am leaving Zane behind. Not happening. So, I finish reading this book with a slight bit of apathy. This book does pertain to heartbreak. Just not the type of heartbreak that losing a child carries with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the advice and I did realize, looking through the book a second time, that Guy did not suggest the loss of a child is the same as the loss of a pet or a romantic break up. Although we have learned that loss is loss, so that confuses me too. The loss of Zane I will never get over. And frankly, I don’t want to. The loss of Tango is fresh, and I feel I will never get over him. Guy suggests, just by the title of his book, I can. So, at the end of the day, I guess what I have decided is that the caring psychologist has captured heartbreak and its effect on those living with it quite well. And has some wonderful ways to help keep grief in check. And his advice is brilliant if one is suffering a bad romantic break up. It is worth reading. Having said that, I look forward to any possible sequel that supports living an eternity with a broken heart. We move forward with grief; we don’t move on.

“Shattered”- by Gary Roe

January 7, 2024 / Mama Fish

If more reading was one of your New Year’s goals, pick up a copy of Gary Roe’s book, “Shattered”.

I am not sure when I read this book or if I wrote about it before. I can’t seem to find proof of either happened. And yet, when I open this book to share, I know I have read and written about it. So, what the universe is doing with tricking me into thinking I haven’t, led me to believe that perhaps there is something about this book that is worth repeating.

What one can expect with this book is truthful, applicable learning of a community who shares grief. Divided into 6 categories, Gary takes the reader through each emotionally charged area with stories, facts, questions to ponder and ideas to try to support your grief.

It is worth a second read and when I reread it, I got even more out of it. Different time, different stage, I leaned into the idea that negative thoughts and self medicating is natural, I don’t have to be brave. I empathized with the parents whose physical ailments are real but the energy to heal is not there. I heard that my anger is about the loss of so very much and most importantly, it is ok to be mad. Mad is good. Mad is about acknowledging the unfairness, the insanity of having to live without the physical presence of our child.

This book is a must read. A repeated read. Gary brings through this book, a reminder that grief is an individual journey, but we are never alone.

Thank you, Gary, for taking the courage to write on a subject that had not hit you directly. Thank you for working with and sharing with all of us, your compassion for our pain. Thank you for identifying the dark feelings our society feels should be ignored or fixed. Some things can’t be fixed. Thank you for reassuring us that we will never be the same and that is ok. Thank you for giving us hope that one day, there might be moments we will not cry in pain but rather in joy.

I don’t believe that I will ever heal, ever get over, ever get pass my loss. But I find a small comfort in the words of others who travel the same path that peace can be found. Gary’s work, and the collected stories inside his book truly support good mourning.

“How to Live When a Loved One Dies.”

November 19, 2023 / Mama Fish

I believe that I will look for ways to cope with our family’s fate for the rest of my life. Since 2018, my bookshelf has become a Chapter’s self-help aisle, courses and videos, and chat rooms, all with the same theme; how do I go on? I came across the book by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen teacher that Zane loved to quote, titled “How to live when a loved one dies”. A great addition to my grief collection.

It is a book of healing meditations. Its pages are filled with a large, easy to read font and short messages that are reflective of the pain one feels with loss. Divided into four sections, each one includes wisdom, self-care practices and poetic writing to encourage thought. The first chapter is grief and sets the tone with its opening line, “Our loved ones are in us, and we are in them. When a loved one dies, a part of us also dies.”

It moves you through effective meditation exercises and walks you into the next chapter of surviving our emotions. He writes, “The past is not truly gone; it is still here, and we can touch it.” This chapter is filled with advice on how to face the many intense emotions death brings into our hearts and offers ways to help heal.

My favorite section is the third section. It is filled with a reassurance that nothing dies, it merely transforms. “Look deeply to see your beloved in other forms”. He illustrates how life is like a cloud. The cloud is as we see it, but then it changes. It may become rain, or snow. It is no longer a cloud. But it has not died. It does not become nothing, but rather something else. He asks us to look at death in the same manner.

The final section is about connecting with life. Reinforcing through rhythmical anecdotes of how our loved ones are within us and alive through our actions, our memories, their legacy we create. He reminds us that “we do not walk alone but rather with and for our family, for our loved ones, for the whole world.”

This is a book that can be read over and over. It gently pushes one to face their grief but cultivates the necessary tools to quiet the loudness of grief. “Who can say that your loved one has passed away? When you touch your loved one in the ultimate dimension, you see that they are still with you.” Thick Nhat Hanh teaches good mourning.