My latest read was about how many spaces our grief needs and how to build room for each. Leanne, a Pastor who tended to her Parish in their times of joy and sorrow, found herself personally dealing with grief, when her sister passed away after a long battle with cancer. Grief knocked the foundation of all she knew. Her book, Grieving Room, is the story of her journey to which she shares with the reader the different spaces that we need to give grief. It was one of the best written ‘how-to-survive-this-pain’ I have read.
Each chapter is about an area you need to make room for and how, through stories of her and her relationship with her sister, family and church members. And although, she explains at the beginning, that as a Pastor the book will have a faith-based thread to it, her references to the Christian bible are told in a story format such that the lesson has more of a spiritual tone rather than a religious one. For example, she writes about the popular belief that if you have enough faith in God, you’re loved one will be healed. She writes of how in fact it isn’t about believing and then receiving a miracle. The miracle sometimes is just more faith. Faith for strength. Faith for the ability to be there for our loved one. Faith for the possibilities of what will be next for them and for us. It is about having faith that more faith will be given to us.
Her chapter about giving room for rage made me laugh out loud. She shares the story of how angry she was her sister had died and how it infiltrated into her job. She gives the example of walking behind two elderly ladies at a weekend retreat. The ladies are sisters, laughing and walking arm in arm. Leanne followed behind them, furious that she was robbed of the same life with her sister. She writes, “I was angry that they were flaunting their sisterliness all over the place, right under my nose! I remember consciously resisting the urge to shove these old ladies in the mud.”
Her chapter about giving permission to not have room for more is a coping mechanism that many grievers do not adhere to. I know I didn’t in my early grief. Leanne reminds us that “grief gives you a constantly full glass.” Our ability to face even small challenges, to accept another appointment or request, will ensure that your grief will overflow. She talks about what it does to our bodies and the need for more rest, more alone time, suggesting we schedule it into our calendars. She reaffirms that reserving time to grieve does not mean you have to cry all night. It is about making time to sit with our grief and acknowledge the numerous facets of our loss.
The book ends, like most grief therapy books, that you will come to a place where the pain will become softer. A room for redemption, she calls it. A place in your life where the grief you carry, can be a supportive tool for others. I call it the land of bittersweet.
Some books related to death are not suitable in the early stages of grief; the message might be too extreme to comprehend. In my earlier years, I could not read about how one day I will experience a new and joyful existence. I still don’t really get that concept but Leanne’s writing is an easy and comforting read that is palpable at any stage. This is the book that gives you hope. And the tools to build room for that hope.
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