Category: Good Readings (Page 2 of 3)

Suggested readings to support your grief

“Mourning has Broken” by Erin Davis

July 23, 2023 / Mama Fish

A friend gave me a book to read to which she felt might inspire joy in me. The story, “Mourning Has Broken” was written by Erin Davis, a mother who lost her 24-year-old daughter. Erin was a popular radio broadcaster and was in Jamaica when she received the news. Her sharing of what happened and the events that followed in her journey were so different than mine that it made for a surreal reading.

Erin’s connection to the world through her radio channel was a gift to express her pain and share with her dedicated listeners what was happening. She had her own social media through this that I wished we all had. Her story included reflections of times as a family, with her daughter, the challenges of finding out what happened that caused her death, the sharing of how she self-medicated, and her relationship with her husband. Her story was her own, and I appreciated her openness. She also included a few tangents related to others that I had to reread trying to understand how this was a part of her story.

I did relate to her reaction to an acquaintance comparing his loss of a dog six months prior to her pain of losing her only daughter. She innocently asked him if he would get another dog and he sharply replied, “Are you going to have another child?” Ouch. Proof that no one escapes dumb comments from those trying to compare grief. Her sense of humor I enjoyed. She writes, “I bet they get another dog.”

At the end of the book, she is inspired to have a spiritual interview with her daughter related to if Erin is finding joy. Erin admits pure joy may forever be elusive. But she does find joy in her grandson and her work and her marriage. Simple things, that some of us don’t have; she encourages us to find our own joy.

I am appreciative to be at a point in my own journey to be able to read about such a different experience and value it for that. It inspired me to think about joy and what can I do to increase that emotion in my daily life. Erin lives in a world so different than mine and yet, we are connected through the understanding of life without your child. We are women who share the commonalities of honoring our loved one, looking for signs from them and searching for joy in this life.

“Walking Each Other Home”

May 28, 2023 / Mama Fish

Ram Dass was one of Zane’s favorite philosophers. He quoted him often. When I was at Chapter’s looking for my next book to read, I stumbled across a book titled after my favorite Ram Dass quote, “Walking Each Other Home” and I felt a warm fuzzy desire to curl up with this book and hear what more he had to say about how “we’re all just walking each other home”.

Co-written with Mirabai Bush, the book is a conversation between the two of different topics related to the dying process and how not being afraid of death would enrich our lives. It gives ideas and advice on how to be there emotionally for those we know with a terminal sentence and how to grieve completely. An interesting collection of personal experiences and philosophies that they share with the reader.

Ram Dass, born Richard Alpert, was a psychologist, writer, an American who popularized yoga and Eastern spirituality in the west. He did so by his ability to combine the aspects of yoga and many different religions into straightforward concepts of “be here now”. He became an expert in teaching three generations just how to do that.

People reached out to Ram as a spiritual guide, and he shared in the book letters he wrote to families seeking his counsel. My favorite of these letters was to Steve and Anita who had lost their daughter, Rachel. His compassion for the pain that they were holding is felt in his words.

“…I can’t assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Rachel’s legacy to you…” He goes on to say, “…Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel, to thank her for being with you these few years and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom…” His letter could be to anyone of us. As I read it, I inserted Zane’s name for Rachel’s and the letter became that much more profound.

This book is for your soul. It is filled with conversation about love and about death. And how they are intertwined. It is filled with ideals and opportunities to practice, bringing awareness and a deeper meaning to your current day. It consoles those of us in emotional pain. It is a book that quietly strengthens us by assuring us that we are all just walking each other home.

What is Your Soul Plan?

April 30, 2023 / Mama Fish

I shared with a group of friends my newer belief that we each have a soul plan that is agreed to before we are born. I’m not sure if it is God’s plan or fate or the Universe calling. Whatever you want to label it, there is a conversation we have with those we spend this life with that gives us somewhat of a predetermined plan as to which role we have and how we play that. I told my friends that I must believe this. If I did not believe that somehow, I had agreed to this prior and knew this was to be my life and then, also knew all was going to be ok in the end, I’d go utterly mad. This belief keeps me from jumping off the proverbial cliff.

Robert Schwartz’s book “Your Soul’s Plan” is all about this belief. He calls it pre-birth planning. I was excited to read what this man had to say. He offers Spiritual Guidance Sessions and Past Life Soul Regressions to help people understand their life plan. It was interesting. And almost far-fetched, even for me.

Robert shares with the reader, actual cases of people who have been interviewed by himself, mediums, and channels. Each sharing centers around a particular challenge or hardship that the interviewee has battled during their life. Cases included drug addiction, abuse, disabilities, and AIDS. Each of these people interviewed, discovers the why they chose this life and the lessons that came from these choices. I could accept the mediums speaking on behalf of their loved ones, helping explain their soul plan, but the channels spoke to the person’s soul and that I know little of. That is the part of the book that I had difficulty accepting. How can a human being, speak to the soul of another human being? I am not saying it can’t happen. In fact, Robert’s work and his findings suggests it is so.

The people that he interviewed, through the process he shares in his book, sought, and found healing by understanding the why they signed up for tragedy. “When we realize it’s not personal and that it’s something we’ve chosen, then it changes our perspective.”

There were points that made me ponder or compare their struggle to my own. The interesting angle of how our life lessons are designed to bring us to the core of our true essence intrigued me the most. We are all spiritual energy of light and love, but each life carries with it a search for something missing not yet achieved, like self-respect or empathy or boundaries. Hmmmm….

The point Robert was making through this book is that we do have a soul plan. And that we have a collection of souls that have agreed to support us in our journey on earth. We are all in this together; connected to help one another become our genuine and loving selves. If we slow down to notice the lessons, we receive through our struggles, we can discover our true purpose. That is my favorite take away from this book.

How do we get there? How do we begin to see others as helpers in our lives and accept our struggles as experiences we had asked for. Kindness to ourselves and to others, helps enlighten the search for life’s meaning. On Zane’s urn we have inscribed the quote he shared wit his father during their last conversation.

“Kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle”.

The essence, the foundation of our soul plan is that. Kindness is the main ingredient of love. If we remind ourselves that we all struggle, only then can we be able to help each other. And with that, together, we all achieve our soul plan.

“Nightfall to Daybreak” by Sally Walls

March 26, 2023 / Mama Fish

In the first few days after Zane was killed, a friend dropped off a book for me to read, “Nightfall to Daybreak”. She said she knew the family and they too had lost a son. When I was ready, I should read the book. It was written by the mother, Sally Walls, who tells the story of how she was thrown into the grief community. I first opened it a few months after and quickly closed it and placed it in a box. It was unreadable. It was far too painful.

I found it when we moved to the condo and opened it up again. The crisp white pages and the large, typed font made it an easy read. The content was not as easy. Sally Walls writes about the love and loss of her 18-year-old son Davis. She writes of the anticipation of his birth and the joy of being his mother, watching him grow into a respectful young man and watching him graduate. She writes about the week after his graduation, when the police came to her door to let her know he was killed in a bicycle-vehicle fatality. She shares the anguish and despair of her journey with quotes, biblical verses, facts and beautiful comparisons of her grief to her reality.

Sally’s friend sent her a collection of beach glass. She writes, “Each broken piece has been smoothed over time by the journey it’s been on. I scoop them all into my hands and close my eyes. I run my fingers over them. I don’t hurry. There are no sharp edges. I sense that I will be able to handle the brokenness, given time. I will be able to pick up the pieces. We will put life back together again, like a mosaic.”

She writes of driving home with Davis as a small baby and avoiding a near fatal crash that sent her a clear message then. “You and your baby were spared tonight.” She tells the story of Davis sharing with her a beloved character, Leonidas, a leader possessing extreme courage in the face of death and wondering why he would share this just weeks before his death. Were these premonitions?

This book is not for the newly grieving. It is raw and real and hits your heart hard. Sally is one of us. Many of her thoughts and actions echo mine. By the end of the book, I felt a comradery with this woman I knew of but had never met. Inside the cover of my copy, my friend had her sign. Sally writes, “We are holding our hands around your brokenness.”

We are told that sharing our story, when we are able, is a responsibility. Share your story and you might help someone find their own. “Nightfall to Daybreak” is filled with supportive messages that one or more of them you can hold unto. Thank you, Sally.

Loss and Lessons Learned

February 19, 2023 / Mama Fish

We live with grief. Emily Graham does too. In her book, “Confessions of Child Loss”, Emily shares with us the death of her seven-year-old son Cameron. Her story is an honest recalling of how being thrown into the community, the “Child Loss Club” changed her outlook on life.

She shares with us the dark side of what happens when grief moves in. How it numbed her emotions and had her struggle as she needed to continue being there for her two daughters. She talks about the fears of forgetting him and the questions from strangers of how many kids do you have. What happened to your son? The grief bursts that accompany these conversations.

She speaks the universal language of the grief community and reveals how time and a desire to never say goodbye to Cameron brought her forward. She shares what wonders can come to be when we believe that they are still here. The signs, related to Cameron like the number 12 showing up in unexplainable ways; seeing synchronicities supported her change of thinking from ‘he is gone’ to ‘he is here still’. With that belief, she began talking to her son’s spirit, playing games in the car with his energy, and looking for more signs. Which she received. She tells us this brings a shift into your brokenness. For her, these activities inspired her to strive to be a better version of herself.

Emily writes that grief does not end, but that from her experience, it will change. She gives five suggestions to help you alter your grief.

Redefine your grief experience.
Lean into the pain.
Reach acceptance…not the same as approval. We are not ok with it, but we must accept what happened.
Self care is critical.
Connection to our child…the relationship continues after death, talk about them, bring them forward with you.

Personally, I struggle with suggestion number 3. She is farther ahead in her journey than I am, so perhaps with further time I might get there. Suggestion number 5 is what I found the most exciting. It coincides with a line in her book, my favorite line, giving hope. “You no longer have to live without them. You can live with them in a different way.” Here’s to that.

Do Miracles Happen When Thinking Changes?

December 4, 2022 / Mama Fish

I was given a book to read from a friend who has been supportive of my journey. The book she brought is called “May Cause Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein. She had bought herself a copy too and thought it would be fun if we had our own mini book club. I took her up on her offer.

The author, Gabrielle, a beautiful and successful woman took a Course in Miracles and wanting to share the growth she received through this experience, wrote a book. Not knowing any of her past struggles, it seemed a bit odd for me to be taking advice from a young woman who, I am guessing, has nowhere near the path that I have. But, in my search for ways to bring more joy into my life, I agreed to let her guide me to make, as she suggests, shifts for radical change and unlimited happiness. That is a big promise!

Each morning began with a meditation and each evening closed with journalling and a meditation. The concept is recognizing ego comes from fear and when we face it and replace it with love, we feel better. She touches on all aspects of life, self-perception, body image, relationships, even finance! She closes each week with the “F” word -forgiveness. She claims, it is this word that is the most powerful and life changing. It is this word, that if we practice forgiving ourselves, others, our past, that this is what will bring us joy and abundance.

Although she does not speak to the complications of grief and forgiveness, the idea of forgiving may help grief warriors in letting go of some of our anger and replacing it with, perhaps peace. I am not sure. So, in blind, faith, I spent forty-two days repeating affirmations and opening my mind to new possibilities. I enjoyed the mediations and the self-reflection. It is the “F” word I struggle with.

Forgiveness is tricky. If someone cuts you off in traffic, we can get mad and then we can forgive. It is clear who we were forgiving and for what. Grief is more difficult. I’m not sure who or what I am supposed to be forgiving. Is it God for giving my son a life plan that has all of us living in eternal pain? Is it the man who took three lives that night because he chose to drive high? Is it me for not creating a life for my son that might have altered his destiny? In grief, who you need to forgive and what you need to forgive can be a Pandora’s box. It is not as simple as “I forgive you. I feel happy now”. Not in the least.

What the meditations of choosing love over fear from this book did bring was a more in-depth look at my grief. It brought an awareness of how very long my F list is. And how carrying this with me for years has subtly made me an angry, resentful person inside. That was my radical aha moment. I must understand who I need to forgive and for what. When that is clear, the work of forgiving can begin, in hopes of coming to a place where there is room for happiness.

I look forward to meeting up with my friend to discuss how her journey went and if she has made any shifts for change. I am not sure how she knew this book would be one my heart needed. But she did. And I am grateful for her.

Día de los Muertos & Matt Fraser

October 30, 2022 / Mama Fish

I enjoy Matt Fraser, a young and talented medium who has delivered messages from the other realm since he was a little boy. His latest book, “We Never Die” is a collection of questions and answers related to our loved ones living on another realm. An appropriate topic as we approach Día de los Muertos.

I discovered this Mexican holiday after Zane was killed and now relish in its’ annual sentiment and traditions. Held November 1^st – 2^nd, it is supposed to be a time where the veil is thinnest, and our loved ones can cross over to celebrate with us. According to Matt, our loved ones are aware of the celebrations we host, and the festivities held in their honor. And they attend!

Día de los Muertos, Day of the Dead, is a celebration, and begins with one creating a display of photographs and artifacts belonging to our loved ones. As the day gets closer, much-loved menu items and beverages are added. The night itself, we feast on their favorite dishes and share stories of what life was like with them here. According to Matt, our loved ones are very similar in Heaven as they were on earth. Their personality shines through his readings and he assures us they maintain their sense of humor and wonder in their after life.

Día de los Muertos is about remembering our loved ones. Speaking their name. According to folklore, if we do not remember them, they can not cross over (just watch the Disney movie Coco). Our remembrance of our loved ones gives them strength. According to Matt, our loved ones are with us and are grateful that we remember them, pay tribute to them. They are aware of what we do. And they are appreciative.

Matt’s book is a comforting assurance that our loved ones are nearby. He answers odd questions like do they eat and sleep as well as more profound questions like will my soulmate be the one that I am with after death. His book is a great reference to how our loved ones are on their side and offers words of encouragement that we can communicate with them from this side. Simply because, as Día de los Muertos suggests, and Matt confirms, we never die.

This year I have added the children of friends to my altar. It is a chosen way to honor their loss and the lives of their very spirited children who I believe will be rocking it up there with my son. And who I hope will come through to visit those here missing them. What a beautiful holiday to ease the heart.

“On Life After Death”

August 21, 2022 / Mama Fish

Our beloved Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, through her books, has supported our mourning by talking about death, identifying the stages of grief, and offering us strategies to cope. My recent read, “On Life After Death” she deepens possible healing by reassuring us there is no death.

Her book reads like a conversation. I can imagine myself in her living room. A cup of tea is poured. There are cookies set on a plate. She sits down and in a soothing voice she begins to talk, “…the death of the human body is identical to what happens when the butterfly emerges from its cocoon.”

This book is about the three stages of what happens to us when we die. It is based on the vast experience and the commonalities across the globe, she has had with patients who have had near-death experiences. Her examples cannot be explained by science. A little girl tells her father she liked when she ‘had died’ because the place was so full of light and the feeling of love and that her brother was there. She says to her dad, “the problem is I don’t have a brother.” And her dad confesses that she indeed had a brother who passed months before she was born, and they had not told her. A female patient, blinded in an explosion, when out of her physical body, could see the whole accident and describe the people who dashed in to save her, but when brought back to life, she was totally blind. Example after example the good doctor discovers at the time of death, each patient was acutely aware of what was happening as they watched from above in perfect physical condition. And each patient then saw a path, a bright light and felt a love that was pure bliss.

Her words are comforting. She insists that our loved ones do not die alone. Those we love that have gone before are waiting to greet us. There is no pain as they transition from cocoon to butterfly. She tells us, “…it is no longer a matter of belief, but rather a matter of knowing.”

I relished in this suggestion. There is no death. There is this life, in this cocoon, that we must make the most of. At the end of this stage, the next life we maintain our identity and our personal energy pattern, taking up no space and able to be many places. Our loved ones are here, connecting with us, guiding us. They are the butterfly.

A Book for Those Who Won’t Live Forever

March 27, 2022 / Mama Fish

My most recent walk down the bookstore aisle led me to a different book related to death. “The Death of You” by Miguel Chen is about looking at your own mortality. He does it in a funny yet thought provoking way.

An uncomfortable topic for our society, I find that those living with grief can speak easier, more open about death. Probably because we are all about the sadness and the lasting effects it brings. When a death occurs, we begin to look at our own life, our values, what is important, what do we need or want to do before our own time comes to an end. We might reach out to an estranged relationship. We might look at our wills and our own wishes. Most women, I included, feel a need to purge. (We don’t want any dust bunnies left behind for relatives to talk about!). But it’s more than that.

Looking at your own death forces one to admit that we will not be here forever. It forces us to think about what our life might look like with this in mind. It helps us get comfortable with death. And that is what Miguel, a fellow grief warrior does. Having experienced great loss (his mother, his sister, aunt, and several brother-like friends), Miguel understands and compassionately illustrates the aspects of this taboo subject.

Each chapter brings a different idea around death, the types, the impact, exploring and pondering on the many ways death arrives and what happens after. Miguel writes to help us understand the complexity of ‘the end’. He includes meditation suggestions, personal stories, and humor. These combined make it an easy read. Each chapter beautifully flows into the next, frequently reminding us about what we can do for those of us still breathing (including ourselves).

I found myself laughing. I found myself thinking about certain things for the rest of the day. It gave me clarity on what I believe happens after we die but more importantly what I want to do before I die.

Miguel said about those he has lost, “What I can say is that what time we had together was invaluable, and death can’t change that.”

A reminder that spending time with those we love is the greatest gift of all and one that we get to keep forever.

“On Grief & Grieving” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD & David Kessler

November 7, 2021 / Mama Fish

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a legend in the grief community. She is the one who taught us of the 5 stages of grief. We first believed that you went through each stage in an orderly fashion, ending up with acceptance. We now know, and she admits, this is not the case. We live within these 5 stages for the rest of our lives.

In her book, co-written with David Kessler, “On Grief and Grieving”, the two give us support in finding the meaning of grief through these stages. Each stage they illustrate the effects on the griever with shared research, stories, and reflections. It makes for an easy read.

Anger, the stage we visit most often is really the easy one to deal with as it covers all the other deep feelings. Anger comes in many different forms. They share a story of a client (Keith) whose son was randomly shot at the age of 17. At the parole hearing, the killer’s father, visibly upset his son was denied parole and would continue his life sentence, Keith realized that they were two fathers at each end of the gun and his anger changed to curiosity. This helped Keith with the anger of his grief.

They speak of how regrets will always be a part of grief, no matter the details of the relationship or the death. It is never too late to say how you feel, to apologize if needed. They write, “We often make the mistake of thinking all communication ends at death.” This sentence gave me comfort.

They speak of the importance of taking your time, trying to be present at the funeral (which how would you know pre-death? Great advice, moving forward!) They write about how it’s ok to give up your loved one’s possessions or never give them up…grief is yours to own. And they speak of how we come together as a community when there is a death. Public deaths, like John F. Kennedy, we feel connected, we feel we were ‘there’ and yet we live in a society where the deaths of our own community are rushed to get over. This hurried sense of you must be ok, the need to move on does not honor our loved one’s or ourselves.

Their message is that to grieve and grieve well, we will live well. That grief is the healing process of the heart, soul, and mind. It is not will you grieve; it is when will you grieve. “And until we do, we suffer from the effects of that unfinished business”. Good advice from the Doctor and her co-writer.

This book is a classic for anyone grieving. It is a confirmation of what we know. A reminder of what we need to do and a source of hope that we will survive. Broken heart and all.