Category: Good Readings (Page 3 of 4)

Suggested readings to support your grief

Do Miracles Happen When Thinking Changes?

December 4, 2022 / Mama Fish

I was given a book to read from a friend who has been supportive of my journey. The book she brought is called “May Cause Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein. She had bought herself a copy too and thought it would be fun if we had our own mini book club. I took her up on her offer.

The author, Gabrielle, a beautiful and successful woman took a Course in Miracles and wanting to share the growth she received through this experience, wrote a book. Not knowing any of her past struggles, it seemed a bit odd for me to be taking advice from a young woman who, I am guessing, has nowhere near the path that I have. But, in my search for ways to bring more joy into my life, I agreed to let her guide me to make, as she suggests, shifts for radical change and unlimited happiness. That is a big promise!

Each morning began with a meditation and each evening closed with journalling and a meditation. The concept is recognizing ego comes from fear and when we face it and replace it with love, we feel better. She touches on all aspects of life, self-perception, body image, relationships, even finance! She closes each week with the “F” word -forgiveness. She claims, it is this word that is the most powerful and life changing. It is this word, that if we practice forgiving ourselves, others, our past, that this is what will bring us joy and abundance.

Although she does not speak to the complications of grief and forgiveness, the idea of forgiving may help grief warriors in letting go of some of our anger and replacing it with, perhaps peace. I am not sure. So, in blind, faith, I spent forty-two days repeating affirmations and opening my mind to new possibilities. I enjoyed the mediations and the self-reflection. It is the “F” word I struggle with.

Forgiveness is tricky. If someone cuts you off in traffic, we can get mad and then we can forgive. It is clear who we were forgiving and for what. Grief is more difficult. I’m not sure who or what I am supposed to be forgiving. Is it God for giving my son a life plan that has all of us living in eternal pain? Is it the man who took three lives that night because he chose to drive high? Is it me for not creating a life for my son that might have altered his destiny? In grief, who you need to forgive and what you need to forgive can be a Pandora’s box. It is not as simple as “I forgive you. I feel happy now”. Not in the least.

What the meditations of choosing love over fear from this book did bring was a more in-depth look at my grief. It brought an awareness of how very long my F list is. And how carrying this with me for years has subtly made me an angry, resentful person inside. That was my radical aha moment. I must understand who I need to forgive and for what. When that is clear, the work of forgiving can begin, in hopes of coming to a place where there is room for happiness.

I look forward to meeting up with my friend to discuss how her journey went and if she has made any shifts for change. I am not sure how she knew this book would be one my heart needed. But she did. And I am grateful for her.

Día de los Muertos & Matt Fraser

October 30, 2022 / Mama Fish

I enjoy Matt Fraser, a young and talented medium who has delivered messages from the other realm since he was a little boy. His latest book, “We Never Die” is a collection of questions and answers related to our loved ones living on another realm. An appropriate topic as we approach Día de los Muertos.

I discovered this Mexican holiday after Zane was killed and now relish in its’ annual sentiment and traditions. Held November 1^st – 2^nd, it is supposed to be a time where the veil is thinnest, and our loved ones can cross over to celebrate with us. According to Matt, our loved ones are aware of the celebrations we host, and the festivities held in their honor. And they attend!

Día de los Muertos, Day of the Dead, is a celebration, and begins with one creating a display of photographs and artifacts belonging to our loved ones. As the day gets closer, much-loved menu items and beverages are added. The night itself, we feast on their favorite dishes and share stories of what life was like with them here. According to Matt, our loved ones are very similar in Heaven as they were on earth. Their personality shines through his readings and he assures us they maintain their sense of humor and wonder in their after life.

Día de los Muertos is about remembering our loved ones. Speaking their name. According to folklore, if we do not remember them, they can not cross over (just watch the Disney movie Coco). Our remembrance of our loved ones gives them strength. According to Matt, our loved ones are with us and are grateful that we remember them, pay tribute to them. They are aware of what we do. And they are appreciative.

Matt’s book is a comforting assurance that our loved ones are nearby. He answers odd questions like do they eat and sleep as well as more profound questions like will my soulmate be the one that I am with after death. His book is a great reference to how our loved ones are on their side and offers words of encouragement that we can communicate with them from this side. Simply because, as Día de los Muertos suggests, and Matt confirms, we never die.

This year I have added the children of friends to my altar. It is a chosen way to honor their loss and the lives of their very spirited children who I believe will be rocking it up there with my son. And who I hope will come through to visit those here missing them. What a beautiful holiday to ease the heart.

“On Life After Death”

August 21, 2022 / Mama Fish

Our beloved Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, through her books, has supported our mourning by talking about death, identifying the stages of grief, and offering us strategies to cope. My recent read, “On Life After Death” she deepens possible healing by reassuring us there is no death.

Her book reads like a conversation. I can imagine myself in her living room. A cup of tea is poured. There are cookies set on a plate. She sits down and in a soothing voice she begins to talk, “…the death of the human body is identical to what happens when the butterfly emerges from its cocoon.”

This book is about the three stages of what happens to us when we die. It is based on the vast experience and the commonalities across the globe, she has had with patients who have had near-death experiences. Her examples cannot be explained by science. A little girl tells her father she liked when she ‘had died’ because the place was so full of light and the feeling of love and that her brother was there. She says to her dad, “the problem is I don’t have a brother.” And her dad confesses that she indeed had a brother who passed months before she was born, and they had not told her. A female patient, blinded in an explosion, when out of her physical body, could see the whole accident and describe the people who dashed in to save her, but when brought back to life, she was totally blind. Example after example the good doctor discovers at the time of death, each patient was acutely aware of what was happening as they watched from above in perfect physical condition. And each patient then saw a path, a bright light and felt a love that was pure bliss.

Her words are comforting. She insists that our loved ones do not die alone. Those we love that have gone before are waiting to greet us. There is no pain as they transition from cocoon to butterfly. She tells us, “…it is no longer a matter of belief, but rather a matter of knowing.”

I relished in this suggestion. There is no death. There is this life, in this cocoon, that we must make the most of. At the end of this stage, the next life we maintain our identity and our personal energy pattern, taking up no space and able to be many places. Our loved ones are here, connecting with us, guiding us. They are the butterfly.

A Book for Those Who Won’t Live Forever

March 27, 2022 / Mama Fish

My most recent walk down the bookstore aisle led me to a different book related to death. “The Death of You” by Miguel Chen is about looking at your own mortality. He does it in a funny yet thought provoking way.

An uncomfortable topic for our society, I find that those living with grief can speak easier, more open about death. Probably because we are all about the sadness and the lasting effects it brings. When a death occurs, we begin to look at our own life, our values, what is important, what do we need or want to do before our own time comes to an end. We might reach out to an estranged relationship. We might look at our wills and our own wishes. Most women, I included, feel a need to purge. (We don’t want any dust bunnies left behind for relatives to talk about!). But it’s more than that.

Looking at your own death forces one to admit that we will not be here forever. It forces us to think about what our life might look like with this in mind. It helps us get comfortable with death. And that is what Miguel, a fellow grief warrior does. Having experienced great loss (his mother, his sister, aunt, and several brother-like friends), Miguel understands and compassionately illustrates the aspects of this taboo subject.

Each chapter brings a different idea around death, the types, the impact, exploring and pondering on the many ways death arrives and what happens after. Miguel writes to help us understand the complexity of ‘the end’. He includes meditation suggestions, personal stories, and humor. These combined make it an easy read. Each chapter beautifully flows into the next, frequently reminding us about what we can do for those of us still breathing (including ourselves).

I found myself laughing. I found myself thinking about certain things for the rest of the day. It gave me clarity on what I believe happens after we die but more importantly what I want to do before I die.

Miguel said about those he has lost, “What I can say is that what time we had together was invaluable, and death can’t change that.”

A reminder that spending time with those we love is the greatest gift of all and one that we get to keep forever.

“On Grief & Grieving” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD & David Kessler

November 7, 2021 / Mama Fish

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a legend in the grief community. She is the one who taught us of the 5 stages of grief. We first believed that you went through each stage in an orderly fashion, ending up with acceptance. We now know, and she admits, this is not the case. We live within these 5 stages for the rest of our lives.

In her book, co-written with David Kessler, “On Grief and Grieving”, the two give us support in finding the meaning of grief through these stages. Each stage they illustrate the effects on the griever with shared research, stories, and reflections. It makes for an easy read.

Anger, the stage we visit most often is really the easy one to deal with as it covers all the other deep feelings. Anger comes in many different forms. They share a story of a client (Keith) whose son was randomly shot at the age of 17. At the parole hearing, the killer’s father, visibly upset his son was denied parole and would continue his life sentence, Keith realized that they were two fathers at each end of the gun and his anger changed to curiosity. This helped Keith with the anger of his grief.

They speak of how regrets will always be a part of grief, no matter the details of the relationship or the death. It is never too late to say how you feel, to apologize if needed. They write, “We often make the mistake of thinking all communication ends at death.” This sentence gave me comfort.

They speak of the importance of taking your time, trying to be present at the funeral (which how would you know pre-death? Great advice, moving forward!) They write about how it’s ok to give up your loved one’s possessions or never give them up…grief is yours to own. And they speak of how we come together as a community when there is a death. Public deaths, like John F. Kennedy, we feel connected, we feel we were ‘there’ and yet we live in a society where the deaths of our own community are rushed to get over. This hurried sense of you must be ok, the need to move on does not honor our loved one’s or ourselves.

Their message is that to grieve and grieve well, we will live well. That grief is the healing process of the heart, soul, and mind. It is not will you grieve; it is when will you grieve. “And until we do, we suffer from the effects of that unfinished business”. Good advice from the Doctor and her co-writer.

This book is a classic for anyone grieving. It is a confirmation of what we know. A reminder of what we need to do and a source of hope that we will survive. Broken heart and all.

“Bearing the Unbearable” by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

September 26, 2021 / Mama Fish

The beautiful Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is, among many things, a bereaved mother. Her book “Bearing the Unbearable” is a collection of shared grief of many mourners who walk the path of loss. Through these shared stories, we connect and find hope and understanding to support our own grief.

She speaks of the necessity of contraction and expansion; taking time for inward healing and thus giving us the energy to lean outwards for support. We must surrender to this pain, fighting it will only increase our sadness, surrendering to the tidal wave of emotion, will help soften our grief.

My favorite lesson is that of the necessity to own our pain. She writes, “Turning toward the shattered pieces of ourselves, choosing to stand in the pain, is a serious responsibility. When we remember our beloved dead, we bridge the gap of space and time between us and them and bring them back into the whole of our reality.”

She assures us that remembering our loved ones is what we need to do, quoting Soren Kierkegaard; “…remembering our dead epitomizes the most unselfish, freest, and most faithful type of love-a love willing to suffer for itself, so that it can continue to exist.” She speaks of how we might do this by paying it forward with a donation or act of kindness in honor of our loved one.

She believes that grief transforms from the individual into the collective and that it is us, the bereaved who can heal our world. I have always said we are in this together, long before my life was torn apart. I have this personality glitch that I am ok only when everyone else is ok. As a mother and a caregiver all my life, Dr. Cacciatore is telling me, I now belong to a community that can heal our world. The irony of this amuses me. I live to help heal my little corner of the world and the fact that what has happened to me with Zane gives me more responsibility and entitlement to continue doing what I felt my purpose was. I don’t want this. And yet, here it is, the Universe has sealed my purpose. Today it scares me. Tomorrow, it will surely encourage me. My grief can be my fuel.

As women, our ‘mama bear’ is in our DNA and death does not kill that. There is a lot of healing to do. Whatever the reason that brought you into this hell, maybe there is opportunity to help heal that area on a scale bigger than you. First, we must learn how to live with our grief. This will help heal ourselves, and perhaps then we can find the energy to heal our world.

A Grief Book That Gets Me

August 29, 2021 / Mama Fish

There is a library onto its own to support dealing with the many varieties and levels of grief. Some of the books I have read, I have had a hard time getting through and others I can’t put down. “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” is one of those page turners! Written by Megan Devine, a therapist who was thrown into our community witnessing the accidental drowning of her partner, Megan writes from professional and personal experience.

Megan’s early grief was the inspiration behind this book, experiencing first-hand the reception and expectations our culture has related to death. She gets us. She writes…

“I remember my own early days after my partner drowned-shoving myself out into the world…. doing what was reasonable, expected, ordinary….” “All the while, beside me, inside me, was the howling, shrieking, screaming mass of pain…”

She gives us permission to do what we need to do and take as long as we need. Her book includes tips and exercises to support ourselves as we feel our pain. I knew the power of deep breaths before I read this, but did you know that to maximize the benefits of breathing, one should exhale longer than inhale. Who knew? And it works!

Her book clarifies commonalities grief has like how some of the people in our life step up and others seem to vanish. She calls it, “Grief rearranges your address book”. She is bold enough to say what we think when people compare our grief to the death of their goldfish. Yes, there are different levels of grief she points out, some grief is worse than others. It’s the comparing of grief that is an attempt to ‘understand’ or empathize with us, to which it almost always backfires.

Her book is divided into four parts making it a great read in early grief or years later. She even includes a handy checklist to give to friends and family on the “Do’s and Don’ts” if they wish to be truly helpful.

Because she walks our path, she also encourages us to be strong in our grief, to not shy from it and cave into the guidelines given by our society on when and how we should ‘be better’. This attitude will help our own grief and even bigger, there is hope that adapting these actions will educate those in our own community, bringing change to our culture. What a blessing that would be for us. And for those who, sadly, will find themselves where we live now.

This book is a must read. I felt comforted, assured, hopeful and inspired. I am not ok. And that is ok. Thank you, Megan Devine, for helping us practice good mourning.

“A Broken Heart Still Beats”

May 16, 2021 / Mama Fish

I had no idea before Zane’s death how large the community I now live in was. To lose a child is unthinkable, unimaginable so we don’t spend any time thinking that…God forbid. But when it happens to you, when you are thrust into this nightmare reality, you discover parents of similar fate. And, I have found, there are too many parents here. Way too many.

Anne McCracken and Mary Semel, both women who have lost a child, have gathered a collection of writings (A Broken Heart Still Beats) that illustrate the shock and pain of losing a loved one. Each of the twelve chapters has an array of people who poetically share their grief. Most are about the loss of a child; others refer to the loss of a spouse or family member. Grief is grief. And this book shares the raw and honest feelings of those experiencing such grief.

I found this book comforting on certain days and other days I couldn’t bring myself to read one more tragic entry. What I did find interesting about this book is the common feelings of loss; not just of our loved one but also of us. I related to the struggles of the soul searching path to find meaning of why and what now. It was interesting learning of how others experienced grief and the effect it had on their lives. Forever.

I knew of Eric Clapton’s beautiful song, “Tears in Heaven” and felt even more connected to him when he was quoted as saying, “I have to pay my respects to that boy, in my way, and let the world know what I thought about him”. We all want to honor our loved one.

I had no idea that William Shakespeare had lost his only son Hamnett nine years before the writing of Macbeth. Is this why Macduff asks first about his children, then his wife? I always called his writings bitter sweet, I felt he turned each scenario into something sad. I now understand.

I couldn’t understand Clementine (Winston Churchill’s wife) who could not speak of their daughter Marigold and whose little sister grew up having no idea of the identity of the picture of the young girl on her mother’s dressing table. Grief affects us all.

This book is a literal community of fellow grief warriors, reminding us that we are not alone. It is a good book to have on your shelf that confirms our understanding that after your child dies, a broken heart still beats.

How to talk to the dead

March 21, 2021 / Mama Fish

The hardest part of grief is the thought that we will never be able to see or speak to our loved one again. This is the unacceptable truth we face and thus we look for ways to disprove it or to lessen the pain with such practices like finding signs that we believe are from our loved ones.

In Mary Bertun’s book, “The 21 Day Doorway Across the Veil”, she shares with the reader how to connect with your loved one who is on another realm. Guided by her son Chas, through stories and tips, each day is an exercise in communication and reflection with space in the book to journal your experience.

I truly enjoyed this book. With the daily practices, I found meditations and reflections more meaningful. Her suggested focus of thoughts brought back flashes of childhood memories I had forgotten and gave me a deeper insight to my own being. I did find a connection to Zane, receiving messages from him through these meditations. An example was day 8. The thought focus was about joy, which on this particular day I was in tears. During my mediation (with my eyes closed), my computer made a sound that surprised me. I opened my eyes to glance over and a Pinterest photo had popped up that said, “Let’s visit Banff.” Banff is a favorite of Zane’s and mine. It is a place that brings both of us joy.

Some days it was a visible sign, like that and some days it was a thought that came into my head like a knowing I did not think of but rather someone just said it to me. I will choose to believe it was Zane on this day, because the words were as he would have said. He knew the mountains bring me joy. The message of how to change my tears to joy was crystal clear.

The practices taught in this book brought me both clarification and comfort. We are told our loved ones are always with us so why not seek ways to practice new ways to reach them? What is there to lose? Thank you Mary.

Daily Grief Reading

January 10, 2021 / Mama Fish

I like to choose a book at the beginning of each year that will bring hope in a daily reading format. Last year I chose “Grief Day by Day” by Jan Warner. The simple practices and daily guidance for living with loss (as the front cover says) broke the year into weeks, each with a theme that was relative and insightful.

It begins with what are the stages of grief and covers topics from emotions to coping strategies to reflections of where do we go from here.

I looked to each morning with anticipation, reading about common feelings and ideas to support my grief. The quotes from different people reminded me of the community that I am a part of. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, quoted on Day one, “The reality is that you will grieve forever.” Ouch. Her quote continues to say, “You will heal and you will rebuild…” which offers hope that we will someday be able to live with our grief.

Some of the days I laughed at the relevance. Patton Oswalt (week 33) tells us “It is not a ‘healing journey. It’s a ‘numb slog’…if they call it a ‘healing journey,’ it’s just a day of you eating Wheat Thins for breakfast in your underwear, you’re like ‘I guess I’m f-king up my healing journey.’ But if they would say you’re going to have a ‘numb slog,’ you could say ‘oh, I’m nailing it.”

This book gets us. Each week ends with an exercise on ‘becoming a grief whisperer’. One of my favorite exercises was from week 36, “Crazy things Grievers Do”, which gave me permission to buy Zane presents. With that in mind, this year I filled his Christmas stocking, to which I gave out the items I bought to family members. Among the items was a book of a favorite poet I gave to his dad, a gift certificate to a favorite watering hole given to his sister and a candle that sits in his room. I enjoyed doing it. It made it feel less lonely somehow to see his stocking filled, rather than empty, and hanging next to the other stockings. The joy felt by the sharing of some things that Zane loved was good mourning.

In the epilogue of this book, Jan writes;

“When someone you love dies, you are left to do all your own stunts. Where once you had love and support, now you have absence and longing. Grief work is finding the ways in which love and support still exist. Eternal missing is eternal love.”

Jan considers herself a fellow grief warrior and believes “that love triumphs over death, if we let it.”

This was a great resource over the last 52 weeks and one that is worth reading over again.