Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Category: Good Readings (Page 3 of 3)

Suggested readings to support your grief

“Bearing the Unbearable” by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

September 26, 2021 /

The beautiful Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is, among many things, a bereaved mother. Her book “Bearing the Unbearable” is a collection of shared grief of many mourners who walk the path of loss. Through these shared stories, we connect and find hope and understanding to support our own grief.

She speaks of the necessity of contraction and expansion; taking time for inward healing and thus giving us the energy to lean outwards for support. We must surrender to this pain, fighting it will only increase our sadness, surrendering to the tidal wave of emotion, will help soften our grief.

My favorite lesson is that of the necessity to own our pain.  She writes, “Turning toward the shattered pieces of ourselves, choosing to stand in the pain, is a serious responsibility.  When we remember our beloved dead, we bridge the gap of space and time between us and them and bring them back into the whole of our reality.”

She assures us that remembering our loved ones is what we need to do, quoting Soren Kierkegaard; “…remembering our dead epitomizes the most unselfish, freest, and most faithful type of love-a love willing to suffer for itself, so that it can continue to exist.” She speaks of how we might do this by paying it forward with a donation or act of kindness in honor of our loved one.

She believes that grief transforms from the individual into the collective and that it is us, the bereaved who can heal our world.  I have always said we are in this together, long before my life was torn apart. I have this personality glitch that I am ok only when everyone else is ok. As a mother and a caregiver all my life, Dr. Cacciatore is telling me, I now belong to a community that can heal our world. The irony of this amuses me. I live to help heal my little corner of the world and the fact that what has happened to me with Zane gives me more responsibility and entitlement to continue doing what I felt my purpose was.  I don’t want this. And yet, here it is, the Universe has sealed my purpose. Today it scares me.  Tomorrow, it will surely encourage me. My grief can be my fuel.

As women, our ‘mama bear’ is in our DNA and death does not kill that. There is a lot of healing to do. Whatever the reason that brought you into this hell, maybe there is opportunity to help heal that area on a scale bigger than you.  First, we must learn how to live with our grief. This will help heal ourselves, and perhaps then we can find the energy to heal our world.

A Grief Book That Gets Me

August 29, 2021 /

There is a library onto its own to support dealing with the many varieties and levels of grief. Some of the books I have read, I have had a hard time getting through and others I can’t put down.  “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” is one of those page turners!  Written by Megan Devine, a therapist who was thrown into our community witnessing the accidental drowning of her partner, Megan writes from professional and personal experience.

Megan’s early grief was the inspiration behind this book, experiencing first-hand the reception and expectations our culture has related to death.  She gets us.  She writes…

“I remember my own early days after my partner drowned-shoving myself out into the world…. doing what was reasonable, expected, ordinary….”  “All the while, beside me, inside me, was the howling, shrieking, screaming mass of pain…”

She gives us permission to do what we need to do and take as long as we need.  Her book includes tips and exercises to support ourselves as we feel our pain. I knew the power of deep breaths before I read this, but did you know that to maximize the benefits of breathing, one should exhale longer than inhale.  Who knew?  And it works!

Her book clarifies commonalities grief has like how some of the people in our life step up and others seem to vanish.  She calls it, “Grief rearranges your address book”.  She is bold enough to say what we think when people compare our grief to the death of their goldfish. Yes, there are different levels of grief she points out, some grief is worse than others.  It’s the comparing of grief that is an attempt to ‘understand’ or empathize with us, to which it almost always backfires.

Her book is divided into four parts making it a great read in early grief or years later.  She even includes a handy checklist to give to friends and family on the “Do’s and Don’ts” if they wish to be truly helpful.

Because she walks our path, she also encourages us to be strong in our grief, to not shy from it and cave into the guidelines given by our society on when and how we should ‘be better’. This attitude will help our own grief and even bigger, there is hope that adapting these actions will educate those in our own community, bringing change to our culture. What a blessing that would be for us.  And for those who, sadly, will find themselves where we live now.   

This book is a must read.  I felt comforted, assured, hopeful and inspired.  I am not ok.  And that is ok. Thank you, Megan Devine, for helping us practice good mourning.

“A Broken Heart Still Beats”

May 16, 2021 /

I had no idea before Zane’s death how large the community I now live in was. To lose a child is unthinkable, unimaginable so we don’t spend any time thinking that…God forbid. But when it happens to you, when you are thrust into this nightmare reality, you discover parents of similar fate. And, I have found, there are too many parents here.  Way too many.

Anne McCracken and Mary Semel, both women who have lost a child, have gathered a collection of writings (A Broken Heart Still Beats) that illustrate the shock and pain of losing a loved one. Each of the twelve chapters has an array of people who poetically share their grief. Most are about the loss of a child; others refer to the loss of a spouse or family member.  Grief is grief.  And this book shares the raw and honest feelings of those experiencing such grief.

I found this book comforting on certain days and other days I couldn’t bring myself to read one more tragic entry. What I did find interesting about this book is the common feelings of loss; not just of our loved one but also of us.  I related to the struggles of the soul searching path to find meaning of why and what now. It was interesting learning of how others experienced grief and the effect it had on their lives.  Forever.

I knew of Eric Clapton’s beautiful song, “Tears in Heaven” and felt even more connected to him when he was quoted as saying, “I have to pay my respects to that boy, in my way, and let the world know what I thought about him”.  We all want to honor our loved one. 

I had no idea that William Shakespeare had lost his only son Hamnett nine years before the writing of Macbeth. Is this why Macduff asks first about his children, then his wife? I always called his writings bitter sweet, I felt he turned each scenario into something sad. I now understand.

I couldn’t understand Clementine (Winston Churchill’s wife) who could not speak of their daughter Marigold and whose little sister grew up having no idea of the identity of the picture of the young girl on her mother’s dressing table. Grief affects us all.

This book is a literal community of fellow grief warriors, reminding us that we are not alone.   It is a good book to have on your shelf that confirms our understanding that after your child dies, a broken heart still beats.

How to talk to the dead

March 21, 2021 /

The hardest part of grief is the thought that we will never be able to see or speak to our loved one again. This is the unacceptable truth we face and thus we look for ways to disprove it or to lessen the pain with such practices like finding signs that we believe are from our loved ones. 

In Mary Bertun’s book, “The 21 Day Doorway Across the Veil”, she shares with the reader how to connect with your loved one who is on another realm.  Guided by her son Chas, through stories and tips, each day is an exercise in communication and reflection with space in the book to journal your experience.

I truly enjoyed this book.  With the daily practices, I found meditations and reflections more meaningful.  Her suggested focus of thoughts brought back flashes of childhood memories I had forgotten and gave me a deeper insight to my own being.  I did find a connection to Zane, receiving messages from him through these meditations.  An example was day 8. The thought focus was about joy, which on this particular day I was in tears. During my mediation (with my eyes closed), my computer made a sound that surprised me.  I opened my eyes to glance over and a Pinterest photo had popped up that said, “Let’s visit Banff.” Banff is a favorite of Zane’s and mine. It is a place that brings both of us joy.

 Some days it was a visible sign, like that and some days it was a thought that came into my head like a knowing I did not think of but rather someone just said it to me.  I will choose to believe it was Zane on this day, because the words were as he would have said.  He knew the mountains bring me joy. The message of how to change my tears to joy was crystal clear.

The practices taught in this book brought me both clarification and comfort. We are told our loved ones are always with us so why not seek ways to practice new ways to reach them?  What is there to lose?  Thank you Mary.

Daily Grief Reading

January 10, 2021 /

I like to choose a book at the beginning of each year that will bring hope in a daily reading format. Last year I chose “Grief Day by Day” by Jan Warner. The simple practices and daily guidance for living with loss (as the front cover says) broke the year into weeks, each with a theme that was relative and insightful. 

It begins with what are the stages of grief and covers topics from emotions to coping strategies to reflections of where do we go from here.

I looked to each morning with anticipation, reading about common feelings and ideas to support my grief. The quotes from different people reminded me of the community that I am a part of.  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, quoted on Day one, “The reality is that you will grieve forever.” Ouch. Her quote continues to say, “You will heal and you will rebuild…” which offers hope that we will someday be able to live with our grief. 

Some of the days I laughed at the relevance. Patton Oswalt (week 33) tells us “It is not a ‘healing journey. It’s a ‘numb slog’…if they call it a ‘healing journey,’ it’s just a day of you eating Wheat Thins for breakfast in your underwear, you’re like ‘I guess I’m f-king up my healing journey.’ But if they would say you’re going to have a ‘numb slog,’ you could say ‘oh, I’m nailing it.”

This book gets us. Each week ends with an exercise on ‘becoming a grief whisperer’. One of my favorite exercises was from week 36, “Crazy things Grievers Do”, which gave me permission to buy Zane presents. With that in mind, this year I filled his Christmas stocking, to which I gave out the items I bought to family members.  Among the items was a book of a favorite poet I gave to his dad, a gift certificate to a favorite watering hole given to his sister and a candle that sits in his room. I enjoyed doing it.  It made it feel less lonely somehow to see his stocking filled, rather than empty, and hanging next to the other stockings.  The joy felt by the sharing of some things that Zane loved was good mourning.

In the epilogue of this book, Jan writes;

“When someone you love dies, you are left to do all your own stunts.  Where once you had love and support, now you have absence and longing.  Grief work is finding the ways in which love and support still exist.  Eternal missing is eternal love.”

Jan considers herself a fellow grief warrior and believes “that love triumphs over death, if we let it.”

This was a great resource over the last 52 weeks and one that is worth reading over again.

November 23, 2020 /

Besides casseroles, squares and flowers, the number one ‘gift’ we received was books. I now have a growing library of books related to grief.  Who would have guessed?  I am an avid reader, mostly non-fiction, related to my work or self growth.  And so I guess my books about grief fall into the self growth category.

My first read I wanted something comforting.  From my pile, I chose “Tear Soup”, a beautifully illustrated story affirming the bereaved.  Written by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen, and illustrated by Taylor Bills, it’s comparison of grief to the making of soup are relatable for any age. I cried, actually I sobbed, when reading this. My grief was very new and I related to Grandy. I shared her pain. I read it over and over. It contains hope, it contains tips and it contains resources to find help with your own grief.   It also makes a great gift to give with your own jar of homemade soup to someone you know who is grieving.  

You can buy this book at your local book store, Indigos or on Amazon at: https://www.amazon.com/TEAR-SOUP-Recipe-healing-after/dp/B001AX76OO

Grief 101: Beliefs are not made of Stone

August 23, 2020 /

I’m not sure what your beliefs are.  I do know that when great loss is experienced, whatever your beliefs are comes into question.  I always believed there is a reason for everything.  I believed in a higher power to which I prayed to daily and raised my children to believe you must ‘trust the plan’.  And then 2018 arrived and I can’t believe there is any sort of magical plan to justify what has happened. 

So when my girlfriend dropped off several books on stories shared by various popular mediums, I placed the pile on my shelf and pondered is this for me?   I believed in angels.  I believed in after life and perhaps that made it easier to think there are spirits able to visit us.  Or maybe it is just a sheer desire to connect with Zane again. When you are grieving, all you have is hope that your loved one is nearby still.   And I believe in love, God, vibration energy…things I can’t see or explain so it wasn’t a far stretch for me to believe in the spirit world.

The first book from this pile was “Unfinished Business” by James Van Praagh, a world-famous medium with over 25 years experience speaking to the other side.

This book was about those who no longer live on earth, what they can teach us about life. It contains many stories of readings he has given and how loved ones from across the veil have brought powerful and healing messages.

Some chapters resonated with me, others gave me hope.  One chapter (on karma) scared the crap out of me.  Overall a great read containing lessons that all of us can practice while we are here on earth.

Every belief I had, I have now questioned. Some beliefs I have a new understanding with. Others, the jury is still out. And my grief has given me new beliefs, among them that anything is possible.

Grief One Day at a Time

June 28, 2020 /

Every one of us that knows grief knows of Dr. Wolfelt.  He has written several books and has spoken to thousands of people about the possibility of healing after loss. His book “Grief One Day at a Time” is a daily meditation I continue to read each morning.  When this book first arrived I could not open it.  It was too soon.  It was August when Zane was killed and the first day I had the strength to open up this book the daily meditation in that month was about life being chaotic but still beautiful and that “I was doing ok”. 

I threw the book against the wall. It stayed unopened until January.  The meditation on the first day of the New Year was different.  Maybe it was because I was now 4 months into my grief journey. Perhaps the message was more hopeful.  It was about remembering our loved one.  “This year I will remember and I will love” the good Doctor suggests to us. I could do this.  I want to do this.  This was good mourning.

Maybe the book was written with a New Year in mind, grief beginning at January, regardless of the month your loved one passed over. Regardless, it is a book every grief warrior should have on their shelf.  The meditations are easy to read and each includes a quote, a message and a meditation.

Thank you Dr. Wolfelt, you are the rope to which keeps so many of us from falling of the edge.

More about Dr Wolfelt and the work he does can be found at https://www.centerforloss.com

Newer posts »

© 2024 Good Mourning Grief

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑