Let me start by saying that I am in no way trying to minimize the seriousness of our current pandemic.  We are all trying to learn the new rules and navigate through these unknown times.  Having said that, I am consumed by the real and troubling ‘side effects’ of keeping safe.

 Recently, a friend’s daughter was diagnosed with cancer. Another friend has had to move her husband to a hospice. Within my grief community I am connected to several moms who have lost their children during these times. These are sad and cruel realities of life in any time. With Covid, it gets complicated. 

Face to face support groups have been moved to on line chat rooms. Funerals are limited to less people allowed to attend. Visiting hours are for family members with restrictions.   You are told to keep your distance, share nothing and gather socially in small groups only.  So we now meet around a fire pit where one bottle and great conversations have been shrunk to one glass and, off I go because I’m cold. As a social being, it has me edgy.  

We all need support, especially when grieving.  A Zoom meeting cannot replace the magic and healing power of human contact.  There is no better cure for grief than a hug from a friend who cares.  And yet, here we are.  Deep, heart to heart conversations seem to be replaced with a quick high level, how are you doing.  We know social distancing is not emotionally healthy; anger, depression and anxiety are all on the rise. These difficult emotions are a part of grief and with the scare and protocols of Covid, they are compounded.

I asked my friend how her daughter was doing.  She told me that they had gone wig shopping that day. Sitting our safe 6 feet apart, parka and mittens on, I started to cry.  I tried to reassure her by saying that perhaps shopping was a positive way for her daughter to take some control of a potential side effect.  To which she replied; “I know. I just thought I would be shopping for a wedding dress for her. Not a wig.”

Our conversation, had we been snuggled on a couch together would have continued.  Yes, more tears would have flowed and for sure a long hug would be had.  And perhaps that would have given a bit of comfort to her; an acknowledgement that she is not alone in her grief. But, outside around the fire pit, we were interrupted and the conversation ended and she left before we could pick it up again.  A moment lost.

Covid complicates grief by increasing isolation and removing human touch. We need to find some way of supporting each other better during these times. If we are safe physically but emotionally suffering, we are not well.

I believe that there are still occasions that mask on, fear aside, I need to hug and be hugged.