Don’t Change the Dishes

Recently my husband bought a brand new set of dinnerware.  And I lost it on him. Flipped out, shouting what the hell do we need another set for?  Why would you do this? Typical, just go out and buy stuff we don’t need.  The truth is we did need another set.  Our current dishware, although in relatively good shape was old and we were down to 3 plates.  So why the inappropriate melt down? 

I came to realize it wasn’t about the dishes at all.  It was about change. Whether you like change or not, and I don’t, when you’re grieving, change of any kind can be unsettling.

Every little change screams at me that things are not like they were before.  Things are different. Zane is missing.  Time is moving on without him here to experience new things with me.  It isn’t the dishes.  It’s another change in my life.  The dishes were a reminder of all the meals I served him on the old plates…that he will not have on the new plates….  It’s these types of changes that taunt me and pull at my grief bringing it to new levels of pain. My rant towards my poor husband demonstrated that change can bring on ugly grief spurts.  This is the complexity of grief. 

I have accepted the new dishes.  I took the old ones out of the cupboard and took a picture of them.  I then carefully wrapped them in tissue and boxed them to give away.  Someone else can enjoy these dishes that my kids and I chose for our family years before.  I washed and put the new dishes into the cupboard. They are beautiful; I am happy they look like a set my mom had before she left.  I rationalize change by connecting it to something that I enjoyed in the past.  It helps soften the fact it is still a change.