This week we lost and buried another family member. Excalibur, my daughter’s leopard gecko died peacefully, surrounded by family. I know it was ‘just a lizard’ but this little guy was with us for 13 years.  As Payton came and went with her busy life, mama was left to tend to him, feed him and enjoy him.  We were told years ago that he would not live long as he refused to eat anything but dead worms.  They are like a chocolate bar the vet told us.  He must eat crickets.  But he would not. And I was ok with that as the whole non-vegetarian diet creeped me out.  I could handle putting a small dead worm on his plate and watch him gobble it up.  Easy. He loved to sit on a cushion beside you; he did not run around or away.   He reminded us very much of the gecko you find on the TV ad. He carried that much personality in his 6-ounce body!

Our pets, regardless of its type, are family members.  They experience life with us, and they become part of our routine. We have memories of shared times with them. We love them. When Excalibur passed, I packed up all his belongings and cried for two days. I would wait to hear him at night and then remember he was gone.  I would go to turn on his light and he was gone. Gone, bringing grief to the forefront.

I have been sensitive all week.  I have been unfocused and not much got done. I am aware now, with the experience of loss, that I am grieving.  And I allowed myself to do so.  I cancelled meetings and took a drive to Canmore and sat in the park.  The grief of losing Excalibur just adds to my already broken heart.

As he was a pet who lived to an old age, I will not ponder on the events and experiences he will miss out on. I will remember how he made me smile and will not burst into a flood of tears over it. I do not feel cheated as I do with the deaths of other family members. That is the complexity of grief.  With every loss, you feel it, but the intensity can be different. Grief can come in soft, more melancholy at times. I guess it depends on the circumstances.

We hosted a small memorial for Excalibur.  Just our family, with Zane watching over.   Payton somehow found a bit of peace knowing that her gecko’s spirit was now free to roam the realms with her big brother. I came home to feel his absence. And ponder how could I honor this sweet little creature that brought so much love to our family over the years.  Rest in Peace, sweet little gecko.  And know that you brought such joy to each of us.  A life well lived; you will always be in our hearts.