Zane’s friends wanted to come to his celebration wearing his favorite color.  The consensus was blue. Then it changed to dress blue or dress how you think Zane wanted you to dress.  The joke was who would come naked.  Thankfully, no one did. I remember thinking to myself, is that his favorite color? Oh yes, yes, of course it was.  What was I thinking?  Memory goes out the window when you are fresh in your grief.  And we struggle with it forever after that.

Forgetting the little details of our loved one is one of the biggest fears.  We want, need, to remember their laugh, their face, their voice.  Grief does give you a foggy memory and that creates worry that we will wake up one day and the memories of our loved one has faded. 

It is compounded by the awkwardness of others not wanting to bring up your loved one’s name.  There is a hesitation of including them in present conversation when their physical life here is in the past.   But if we believe they are always a part of our life, then they should be included.  And the more we talk about them, the more we remember.  And that is a good thing.

Then there’s the tricky concept, do we remember correctly?  It goes to say if I acknowledge that I am having trouble remembering current things, then how do I remember the past with accurate detail?

I remember my mother started speaking of things about my father after he passed that I doubted were true.  I would call my sister to say, “hey mom said this….is that what really happened?”  Usually it didn’t or it was a twisted version of the truth.  We would laugh.  Maybe the fact my mother ended up with Alzheimer’s made it worse.  I’m sure it did.  But you get the point. Our memories don’t get sharper with age.

So how do we keep the details of our loved one from becoming fuzzy? 

Start writing! We need to record all that we wish to hold onto. Start a list of their favorites, their milestones, their habits, hobbies and dreams.  Maybe it’s a journal or a list on paper or a video you do.  Maybe it’s a letter you write to them to capture the favorite memories.  Whatever you choose to use and the style to record isn’t the focus; it’s having it captured to ensure that when we are having a moment we can go back to it and remember with clarity.

Is it important to have clarity? I believe it is another way to honor our loved one.  Zane insisted on having 3 sugars and lots of cream in his morning coffee. Every time I make my coffee, I think of that.  It makes me smile. There was more cream than coffee in his mug. Our loved one’s life had value here.  They made mistakes, they had accomplishments, and they had a personality, a way of doing things that made us laugh and cry. The details should be remembered vividly, as it is the details that make them so very special.