We made it. I can’t say I’ve ever liked the hassle of the holidays.  There is too much of everything; food, wine, spending…I am sure that Christmas didn’t start out like this.  Leave it to us to make a spiritual holiday a commercial event. There always seems to be drama too. Who didn’t get invited, whose house, which day to be at is always difficult with blended families. The ban on gathering inside our homes caused more tension.  Friends, who we would always welcome into our home, this year, dropped their gifts at the door and left. It goes against my open door policy. The need to be together and share stories helps our grief. This season, because we were limited, I know, my grief was intensified.

Two of our friends, who lost their only child, dropped by with a book that Zane would love. It was a thoughtful gift, recognizing our son, and our pain, as they miss their own daughter.  I broke ‘the rule’ and hugged her. My heart ached for the emptiness I know she feels. I wanted to pull her daughter from the heavens and hand her back to her. There is nothing you can do or say to comfort this level of pain. And so I just hugged her.

This was our third holiday season without the happy go lucky boy of mine here to make the mashed potatoes and doubt we have enough gravy.  Zane loved gravy on everything, and lots of it, so a traditional gravy boat was not adequate. Our gravy boat is a massive Alice in Wonderland tea pot.  Used only for gravy.   This year I could not bring it out to use.

The first Christmas we were in shock, the second in disbelief.  This third year I am angry.  It’s time this cruel trick was over and he showed up, like physically showed up.  I am sick of pretending that I am ok. And so I brought the holidays in for my family to enjoy them and when it was over, I went to bed and took the next day off.

Alas. We made it.  May this holiday be a reminder, fellow grief warriors, of the incredible strength you have. Take a look at what this season demanded of you.  We prepared for a holiday, compromised by the current times.  We travelled through malls, saw TV ads, and had casual conversations about the season’s glitter and the merriment of it all. Something we might not feel but we nod anyways. With our heads held up and a smile on our brave face, we took on another Christmas without the physical presence of our beloved.  This courage, this strength to plod on facing the appalling reality we live with is something we do.  Perhaps this strength comes from the love we have for our missed one.  Perhaps it is a way to honor them; to represent them.  Perhaps it is their very essence that provides us with this incredible strength. (A topic for another day). But today, give yourself a yahoo, a pat on the back, a self hug, for managing this difficult time of year.

Holidays 2020, done. We made it. And together, we will face 2021 with that same strength.