A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #anniversary

To Zane, on the Fourth Anniversary

Dear Zane,

It has been four years today,

an indescribable hell

trying to live in this realm

knowing you live in the other

It has been four years of ugly rituals

like crying every morning

and screaming every day in the car

It has been four years of not believing, believing

And then not believing again

It has been four years of mockery

watching my friends’ kids do, be, experience

what was to be for you

It has been four years of anger

Not able to comfort your sister

Or any of us from this pain…

It has also been four years of honoring you,

asserting you are still here,

friends and family include you

in our daily lives

which brings some peace

as a mother’s greatest fear is 

there will come a time

when life goes on without you.

It has been four years learning

that the diminutive conciliation

of holding your hand

are unexpected symbols,

enigmatic Instagram posts

feathers on our path

dragonfly on the window

bubbles and balloons

signs that I cling to

as oxygen, for my own survival

There is also the Universe’s gift,

the subconscious reality through nighttime slumber

where I can feel your hug, hear your laugh 

our moonlight conversations,

when morning arrives,

my broken heart holds tight to

giving the energy I need to walk another day

It has been four years today, my sweet boy

and if I have understood only one thing

It is that my love for you is endless

as are the tears I cry.

The Promise for Red Roses

My brother-in-law and I took advantage of time before he departed.  We talked about many things including his love for my sister. A request he asked of me was to surprise her for their, what should be, 32nd anniversary. I agreed. I was told to buy red roses from Costco. Those two factors were not to be compromised.  They had to be red roses.  They had to come from Costco. When someone who is actively dying asks you for a favor, you do not ask why.  You say, “I promise”. And I did promise.

When the anniversary came around, life was busy.  It would be easier to pick up roses at Safeway while I was getting groceries.  I heard Dan’s voice, “has to be Costco”. So off I went to battle the line up and traffic to pick up roses. They had so many beautiful rose colors, and so many types of flowers.  There was one bouquet that was stunning, and I thought to myself how my sister would enjoy these. Again, I heard Dan’s voice, “has to be red roses”.  I chuckled to myself.  A promise is a promise.

When we arrived at my sister’s home for the anniversary dinner, I handed her the roses and said, “You must not have heard the doorbell, I found these on your porch.”  “The doorbell is broken,” she said, looking for the card.  I kept walking into the kitchen. She followed and I watched as she opened the envelope. The card was signed, Love Dan. She gasped. Her eyes filled with tears.  “Did someone forge this?” she asked.  I hugged her and said they were from her sweetie.

As she put the flowers into a vase, she asked me, “did Dan tell you red roses?”.  “Yes,” I said, “and they had to come from Costco”.  She started to laugh through her tears and told us of how he brought her red roses from Costco for a long time, and she doesn’t like roses!  “He brought me a bouquet of them every week”, she said, “and finally I just had to tell him, I don’t like roses!”

We laughed.  What a wonderful memory to recall.  What a double whammy that Dan promised to play tricks on me and did so in recruiting me to spoil my sister with something he knew she did not like. It was so him to remind us of a funny ‘do you remember when’ moment.  He did this for us, through his request and it brought us joy. We sat around the dinner table sharing stories and laughing and each of us knowing, that Dan was right there.  At the table, laughing with us.

We know too well that life does not always tell us when we will depart.  When we are given an estimated death date it does give us an opportunity to hold conversations, to make promises. We can prepare for their departure. And, during a very sad time, together, we can plan future events that will become memories our loved ones will share with us across the bridge of life and death.

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