I quietly honored my brother-in-law this week. It has been four years since he left for the other realm. I sent my sister a text letting her know I was thinking of her and how very fast the time goes. And yet it doesn’t. It feels like I have missed him forever and yet the conversations at his bedside seem like yesterday.
It was a quiet afternoon, my sister was on her way to the hospital, I was there with Dan. All of us were aware that his passing was soon to be. I was holding his hand as he drifted in and out of sleep. At one point, he opened his eyes and turned to me. I squeezed his hand and he said, “well I guess this is it.” I replied, “yes, it is. Any final thoughts?” He paused, closed his eyes and then opened them, “I wish I had travelled more.”
Interesting what our last desires may be. He had travelled to sunny holiday destinations, to small northern Alberta towns, to beautiful forest campgrounds. He had travelled more than most. And yet travel seemed lacking in his life review. I wish I had pursued that with him, but the energy and the timing wasn’t available.
I did reassure him that his travels would continue. That soon, he would be body-free to go anywhere in the Universe of his choosing. That we would honor him on earth, taking his ashes with us as we travel to new places. He smiled at that idea, the concept that he would continue to be with us.
Thus, he has gone on short trips to favorite spots. He has gone to Mexico, Vegas and as far as Iceland and Ireland last year. There are plans for him to visit Scotland soon. It is our way of honoring his last wishes. All these adventures have happened in the short span of four years.
When the date of his death came around this year, I had to recount to ensure it was four. Because of how much has happened, because of the vast changes since, how is it possible all that happened in such a short span. It felt heavy on me. Special occasions are like time nudging you. A teasing reminder of what was, a snide ‘what you going to do about it’ poke.
His comment, “…I guess this is it”, has never left my mind.
The anniversaries time carries within it gives permission to rewrite how we live each day. These dates are the catalyst to self-reviews, of where we are at, what we want to do more of with the unknown time we have left. It is also an opportunity to review how we remember our loved ones, what could we do new or more of or what might we stop.
Time does fly. But it also lingers. In quiet moments, it slows down just enough that we can hear the desires of our heart. In thought, or in conversation, time gives us pauses to understand. And that understanding can bring action or acceptance or forgiveness. At the very least, it brings us ideas for how we can flourish before the inevitable arrival of our own “this is it.”
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