Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #anticipation

The Hope of a Visit from The Other Side

May 15, 2022 /

I recently signed up for an online group reading.  The medium, Matt Fraser, is America’s top spiritual connector whose waiting list for a personal reading is over two years long. I am sure it is because of his popular TV series ‘Meet the Frasers’ and his uncanny accuracy of knowing our departed.  His alternative is to pay a very affordable price to be a part of a large online community where your loved one may show up and you may get a reading.  I understand the odds of getting one are slim to none, but I do find his readings entertaining so thought, why not?

The night of the show I was excited all that day.  What if, by some small chance I did get a reading?  What if Zane did appear on screen behind me and Matt noticed and told me? I felt like the first day of a new school year. I couldn’t wait for the show to begin.

When it did, you were instructed to press the ‘raise your hand’ icon if you were interested in a reading.  You were told that you could not see the others until such time that Matt called you to turn on your video, which suggests that your loved one was there. No promises but he would try to get to as many readings as he could in the allotted one and a half hours. He said he was excited about the spirits in the room as he viewed the one-sided screen of all of us looking back at him. He said, “there are spirits here from health issues, from sadness and a terrible car crash…”  I sat up straight.

The readings began. Matt is gentle with his readings, comfortable with his connections and truly sympathetic with those he speaks for.  I laughed at Matt’s sense of humor as he spoke of the person of whose name the audience member didn’t seem to connect with and then would remember and exclaim “oh yes, that’s so-and-so” and Matt would shout “Hello, pay attention!” His bright smile engaging you as if it were two friends talking about a common relative.  I was enjoying listening to these readings and then my screen lit up, “the host has asked you to turn on your video”.

Suddenly there I was. In the waiting room of a famous medium awaiting him to tell me of a spirit who wanted to speak to me.  You are forewarned it might not be who you wish it to be.  One of the readings earlier proved that when the women’s ex-boyfriend came through and she wanted someone else. I didn’t care who was coming to speak to me, although Zane would be my first choice.  I have lost so many; a visit with any one of them had my stomach turning in knots of happy anticipation.

As I sat anxiously waiting, my computer screen glitched. It went dark and then a screen popped up I had left the meeting and another screen popped up; re-enter the zoom meeting. I found myself in the main group, my hand icon unlit indicating I did not want a reading. I gasped. I hit the button to say I did, and a sudden disappointment coursed through my being.  I had missed the opportunity. I could sit back and listen to the other readings but there would not be one for me.

I hate technology. It works until it doesn’t, and it doesn’t at the most needed times. I must trust the universe. It was not meant to be. Why it wasn’t meant to be goes into my big bucket of similar questions that an answer to will never be found. I went to bed that night feeling sick, sad that what might have been a reading of my life turned out to be my computer needing a zoom upgrade. Which it has now. My reservation for the July show booked. And another lesson in patience, trust, and hope received.

The Arrival of Anticipated Grief

December 5, 2021 /

I’ve been watching my sweet little dog start to stumble as we walk, and I realize he is closer to the “rainbow bridge” than I want.  Or need him to be.  He has been the lifeline for me, for 15 years, especially after Zane was killed. I expect him to live to a ripe old and unrealistic age of 40. At the same time, my sister calls to share that her husband has cancer. The doctor has told them there is nothing they can do. In his professional opinion, he has another six to nine months.  This is the arrival of anticipated grief.

The magic of anticipated grief gives you a false sense of security. Shock, mixed with a bit of denial gives you the impression that you have more time. I mean the dog still runs like a puppy and my brother-in-law still goes to work. They look ok. For now. The beginning of anticipated grief is the sense that everything looks ok so must be ok.  We still have time.

The hope of anticipated grief brings an illusion that this is not happening at all. I mean they are still here.  Both dog and brother-in-law. And we have learned through painful, firsthand experience that the only true expert to dictate when you check out is God. It is this hope that anticipated grief dangles in front of you like the golden carrot.  The conversations become what if and what can we do and is this true. How can this be right?

The beauty of anticipated grief is that it gives you the luxury of planning. As my sister and her husband go about the daily routine activities of life, there is time to think about the afterlife.  What do we want for a funeral, what bridges might we mend before we go, are the wills in order?  This gift of time enables you to prepare for things that must be handled, that if you were dealing with a sudden death, they become priorities and not a lot of consideration to choices. My brother-in-law has a say in what he would like to have included now and after he leaves.

The agony of anticipated grief is that you know it is coming to stay. When I think of my little dog not here, I pick him up and cuddle him. As a sort of way of telling grief, “See, you cannot come, my dog is here, go away”. And yet, my heart knows that there will come a day, when it will be grief’s turn to say, “I’m sorry for your loss, I have come to live with you.  Again.”

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