I was having a quiet morning in my chair when I heard the sounds of laughter coming through my window.  I turned to see a young man opening the door for his friend, entering our building.  His friend, whose back was turned to me, was a spitting image of Zane. The hair, the physical build, the clothing style, even the white legs…It was so him. And in that relaxed, peaceful moment my brain went to the impossible place, the place of delusional bliss.

I jumped up and my heart raced a happy beat.  Oh, I thought, what a lovely surprise.  Zane’s coming for brunch.  I can’t wait to hear about his week.  I went towards the door, to open it for him, awaiting one of his incredible hugs. This is the place of delusional bliss.

It lasts only seconds before reality comes back to slap you across the face.  I stood there, looking at the closed door, the knowledge that there would be no footsteps coming down the hallway, no “hello mama” opening my door.  And suddenly my place appeared a little darker and the silence grew a little louder.  I sat back down in my chair.  I closed my eyes to imagine if Zane had walked in.  What would he tell me?  What would he want to drink? Where would he sit?  I pondered these as the place of delusional bliss was now gone.

Most of us get these delusional blissful moments. It is the first moments of the morning when you wake and your brain has not yet connected you to the ugly truth.  It is the sight of a stranger who appears like your loved one. It is the sudden smell of something that was of them like the smoke of a pipe or a perfume. These moments last only seconds. But with it comes the feelings of the joy, the love that we once had when they were physically with us. And these moments remind us that they are still within us.  These are feelings that will never be removed or forgotten or replaced.  And that understanding brings its own bliss.

I relish in these moments.  Yes, the second after I realize it is not real, the pain comes back.  But the pain of our grief will always be.  We know that. So I will take as many delusional bliss moments as the Universe wishes to send me.  And I will take them with a grateful and joyful heart.