Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #bookclub

Do Miracles Happen When Thinking Changes?

December 4, 2022 /

I was given a book to read from a friend who has been supportive of my journey. The book she brought is called “May Cause Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein. She had bought herself a copy too and thought it would be fun if we had our own mini book club. I took her up on her offer.

The author, Gabrielle, a beautiful and successful woman took a Course in Miracles and wanting to share the growth she received through this experience, wrote a book. Not knowing any of her past struggles, it seemed a bit odd for me to be taking advice from a young woman who, I am guessing, has nowhere near the path that I have. But, in my search for ways to bring more joy into my life, I agreed to let her guide me to make, as she suggests, shifts for radical change and unlimited happiness. That is a big promise!

Each morning began with a meditation and each evening closed with journalling and a meditation. The concept is recognizing ego comes from fear and when we face it and replace it with love, we feel better. She touches on all aspects of life, self-perception, body image, relationships, even finance! She closes each week with the “F” word -forgiveness. She claims, it is this word that is the most powerful and life changing. It is this word, that if we practice forgiving ourselves, others, our past, that this is what will bring us joy and abundance.

Although she does not speak to the complications of grief and forgiveness, the idea of forgiving may help grief warriors in letting go of some of our anger and replacing it with, perhaps peace. I am not sure. So, in blind, faith, I spent forty-two days repeating affirmations and opening my mind to new possibilities. I enjoyed the mediations and the self-reflection. It is the “F” word I struggle with.

Forgiveness is tricky. If someone cuts you off in traffic, we can get mad and then we can forgive. It is clear who we were forgiving and for what. Grief is more difficult. I’m not sure who or what I am supposed to be forgiving. Is it God for giving my son a life plan that has all of us living in eternal pain? Is it the man who took three lives that night because he chose to drive high? Is it me for not creating a life for my son that might have altered his destiny? In grief, who you need to forgive and what you need to forgive can be a Pandora’s box. It is not as simple as “I forgive you. I feel happy now”. Not in the least. 

What the meditations of choosing love over fear from this book did bring was a more in-depth look at my grief. It brought an awareness of how very long my F list is. And how carrying this with me for years has subtly made me an angry, resentful person inside.  That was my radical aha moment.  I must understand who I need to forgive and for what. When that is clear, the work of forgiving can begin, in hopes of coming to a place where there is room for happiness.

I look forward to meeting up with my friend to discuss how her journey went and if she has made any shifts for change. I am not sure how she knew this book would be one my heart needed.  But she did. And I am grateful for her.

A Grief Book That Gets Me

August 29, 2021 /

There is a library onto its own to support dealing with the many varieties and levels of grief. Some of the books I have read, I have had a hard time getting through and others I can’t put down.  “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” is one of those page turners!  Written by Megan Devine, a therapist who was thrown into our community witnessing the accidental drowning of her partner, Megan writes from professional and personal experience.

Megan’s early grief was the inspiration behind this book, experiencing first-hand the reception and expectations our culture has related to death.  She gets us.  She writes…

“I remember my own early days after my partner drowned-shoving myself out into the world…. doing what was reasonable, expected, ordinary….”  “All the while, beside me, inside me, was the howling, shrieking, screaming mass of pain…”

She gives us permission to do what we need to do and take as long as we need.  Her book includes tips and exercises to support ourselves as we feel our pain. I knew the power of deep breaths before I read this, but did you know that to maximize the benefits of breathing, one should exhale longer than inhale.  Who knew?  And it works!

Her book clarifies commonalities grief has like how some of the people in our life step up and others seem to vanish.  She calls it, “Grief rearranges your address book”.  She is bold enough to say what we think when people compare our grief to the death of their goldfish. Yes, there are different levels of grief she points out, some grief is worse than others.  It’s the comparing of grief that is an attempt to ‘understand’ or empathize with us, to which it almost always backfires.

Her book is divided into four parts making it a great read in early grief or years later.  She even includes a handy checklist to give to friends and family on the “Do’s and Don’ts” if they wish to be truly helpful.

Because she walks our path, she also encourages us to be strong in our grief, to not shy from it and cave into the guidelines given by our society on when and how we should ‘be better’. This attitude will help our own grief and even bigger, there is hope that adapting these actions will educate those in our own community, bringing change to our culture. What a blessing that would be for us.  And for those who, sadly, will find themselves where we live now.   

This book is a must read.  I felt comforted, assured, hopeful and inspired.  I am not ok.  And that is ok. Thank you, Megan Devine, for helping us practice good mourning.

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