Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #bookreview (Page 2 of 2)

What is Your Soul Plan?

April 30, 2023 /

I shared with a group of friends my newer belief that we each have a soul plan that is agreed to before we are born. I’m not sure if it is God’s plan or fate or the Universe calling. Whatever you want to label it, there is a conversation we have with those we spend this life with that gives us somewhat of a predetermined plan as to which role we have and how we play that.  I told my friends that I must believe this.  If I did not believe that somehow, I had agreed to this prior and knew this was to be my life and then, also knew all was going to be ok in the end, I’d go utterly mad. This belief keeps me from jumping off the proverbial cliff.

Robert Schwartz’s book “Your Soul’s Plan” is all about this belief.  He calls it pre-birth planning.  I was excited to read what this man had to say.  He offers Spiritual Guidance Sessions and Past Life Soul Regressions to help people understand their life plan. It was interesting.  And almost far-fetched, even for me. 

Robert shares with the reader, actual cases of people who have been interviewed by himself, mediums, and channels. Each sharing centers around a particular challenge or hardship that the interviewee has battled during their life. Cases included drug addiction, abuse, disabilities, and AIDS. Each of these people interviewed, discovers the why they chose this life and the lessons that came from these choices. I could accept the mediums speaking on behalf of their loved ones, helping explain their soul plan, but the channels spoke to the person’s soul and that I know little of.  That is the part of the book that I had difficulty accepting.  How can a human being, speak to the soul of another human being? I am not saying it can’t happen.  In fact, Robert’s work and his findings suggests it is so.

The people that he interviewed, through the process he shares in his book, sought, and found healing by understanding the why they signed up for tragedy.  “When we realize it’s not personal and that it’s something we’ve chosen, then it changes our perspective.”

There were points that made me ponder or compare their struggle to my own. The interesting angle of how our life lessons are designed to bring us to the core of our true essence intrigued me the most.  We are all spiritual energy of light and love, but each life carries with it a search for something missing not yet achieved, like self-respect or empathy or boundaries.  Hmmmm….

The point Robert was making through this book is that we do have a soul plan. And that we have a collection of souls that have agreed to support us in our journey on earth. We are all in this together; connected to help one another become our genuine and loving selves. If we slow down to notice the lessons, we receive through our struggles, we can discover our true purpose. That is my favorite take away from this book.

How do we get there? How do we begin to see others as helpers in our lives and accept our struggles as experiences we had asked for.  Kindness to ourselves and to others, helps enlighten the search for life’s meaning.   On Zane’s urn we have inscribed the quote he shared wit his father during their last conversation.

“Kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle”.

The essence, the foundation of our soul plan is that. Kindness is the main ingredient of love. If we remind ourselves that we all struggle, only then can we be able to help each other. And with that, together, we all achieve our soul plan.

“Nightfall to Daybreak” by Sally Walls

March 26, 2023 /

In the first few days after Zane was killed, a friend dropped off a book for me to read, “Nightfall to Daybreak”. She said she knew the family and they too had lost a son.  When I was ready, I should read the book. It was written by the mother, Sally Walls, who tells the story of how she was thrown into the grief community.  I first opened it a few months after and quickly closed it and placed it in a box.  It was unreadable. It was far too painful.

I found it when we moved to the condo and opened it up again. The crisp white pages and the large, typed font made it an easy read. The content was not as easy. Sally Walls writes about the love and loss of her 18-year-old son Davis. She writes of the anticipation of his birth and the joy of being his mother, watching him grow into a respectful young man and watching him graduate. She writes about the week after his graduation, when the police came to her door to let her know he was killed in a bicycle-vehicle fatality. She shares the anguish and despair of her journey with quotes, biblical verses, facts and beautiful comparisons of her grief to her reality.

Sally’s friend sent her a collection of beach glass. She writes, “Each broken piece has been smoothed over time by the journey it’s been on. I scoop them all into my hands and close my eyes. I run my fingers over them. I don’t hurry. There are no sharp edges. I sense that I will be able to handle the brokenness, given time. I will be able to pick up the pieces. We will put life back together again, like a mosaic.”

She writes of driving home with Davis as a small baby and avoiding a near fatal crash that sent her a clear message then. “You and your baby were spared tonight.”  She tells the story of Davis sharing with her a beloved character, Leonidas, a leader possessing extreme courage in the face of death and wondering why he would share this just weeks before his death. Were these premonitions?

This book is not for the newly grieving.  It is raw and real and hits your heart hard. Sally is one of us.  Many of her thoughts and actions echo mine. By the end of the book, I felt a comradery with this woman I knew of but had never met.  Inside the cover of my copy, my friend had her sign. Sally writes, “We are holding our hands around your brokenness.”

We are told that sharing our story, when we are able, is a responsibility. Share your story and you might help someone find their own.  “Nightfall to Daybreak” is filled with supportive messages that one or more of them you can hold unto.  Thank you, Sally.

Loss and Lessons Learned

February 19, 2023 /

We live with grief. Emily Graham does too.  In her book, “Confessions of Child Loss”, Emily shares with us the death of her seven-year-old son Cameron. Her story is an honest recalling of how being thrown into the community, the “Child Loss Club” changed her outlook on life.

She shares with us the dark side of what happens when grief moves in. How it numbed her emotions and had her struggle as she needed to continue being there for her two daughters. She talks about the fears of forgetting him and the questions from strangers of how many kids do you have.  What happened to your son? The grief bursts that accompany these conversations.

She speaks the universal language of the grief community and reveals how time and a desire to never say goodbye to Cameron brought her forward. She shares what wonders can come to be when we believe that they are still here. The signs, related to Cameron like the number 12 showing up in unexplainable ways; seeing synchronicities supported her change of thinking from ‘he is gone’ to ‘he is here still’.  With that belief, she began talking to her son’s spirit, playing games in the car with his energy, and looking for more signs. Which she received.  She tells us this brings a shift into your brokenness. For her, these activities inspired her to strive to be a better version of herself.  

Emily writes that grief does not end, but that from her experience, it will change.  She gives five suggestions to help you alter your grief.

  1. Redefine your grief experience.
  2. Lean into the pain.
  3. Reach acceptance…not the same as approval. We are not ok with it, but we must accept what happened.
  4. Self care is critical.
  5. Connection to our child…the relationship continues after death, talk about them, bring them forward with you.

Personally, I struggle with suggestion number 3. She is farther ahead in her journey than I am, so perhaps with further time I might get there.  Suggestion number 5 is what I found the most exciting.  It coincides with a line in her book, my favorite line, giving hope.   “You no longer have to live without them.  You can live with them in a different way.”  Here’s to that.

Día de los Muertos & Matt Fraser

October 30, 2022 /

I enjoy Matt Fraser, a young and talented medium who has delivered messages from the other realm since he was a little boy. His latest book, “We Never Die” is a collection of questions and answers related to our loved ones living on another realm. An appropriate topic as we approach Día de los Muertos.

I discovered this Mexican holiday after Zane was killed and now relish in its’ annual sentiment and traditions.  Held November 1st – 2nd, it is supposed to be a time where the veil is thinnest, and our loved ones can cross over to celebrate with us. According to Matt, our loved ones are aware of the celebrations we host, and the festivities held in their honor.  And they attend!

Día de los Muertos, Day of the Dead, is a celebration, and begins with one creating a display of photographs and artifacts belonging to our loved ones. As the day gets closer, much-loved menu items and beverages are added. The night itself, we feast on their favorite dishes and share stories of what life was like with them here.  According to Matt, our loved ones are very similar in Heaven as they were on earth. Their personality shines through his readings and he assures us they maintain their sense of humor and wonder in their after life.

Día de los Muertos is about remembering our loved ones. Speaking their name. According to folklore, if we do not remember them, they can not cross over (just watch the Disney movie Coco). Our remembrance of our loved ones gives them strength. According to Matt, our loved ones are with us and are grateful that we remember them, pay tribute to them.  They are aware of what we do.  And they are appreciative.

Matt’s book is a comforting assurance that our loved ones are nearby. He answers odd questions like do they eat and sleep as well as more profound questions like will my soulmate be the one that I am with after death. His book is a great reference to how our loved ones are on their side and offers words of encouragement that we can communicate with them from this side.  Simply because, as Día de los Muertos suggests, and Matt confirms, we never die.

This year I have added the children of friends to my altar. It is a chosen way to honor their loss and the lives of their very spirited children who I believe will be rocking it up there with my son. And who I hope will come through to visit those here missing them. What a beautiful holiday to ease the heart.

A Book for Those Who Won’t Live Forever

March 27, 2022 /

My most recent walk down the bookstore aisle led me to a different book related to death.  “The Death of You” by Miguel Chen is about looking at your own mortality.  He does it in a funny yet thought provoking way.

An uncomfortable topic for our society, I find that those living with grief can speak easier, more open about death.  Probably because we are all about the sadness and the lasting effects it brings. When a death occurs, we begin to look at our own life, our values, what is important, what do we need or want to do before our own time comes to an end. We might reach out to an estranged relationship.  We might look at our wills and our own wishes. Most women, I included, feel a need to purge.  (We don’t want any dust bunnies left behind for relatives to talk about!). But it’s more than that.

Looking at your own death forces one to admit that we will not be here forever.  It forces us to think about what our life might look like with this in mind. It helps us get comfortable with death. And that is what Miguel, a fellow grief warrior does.  Having experienced great loss (his mother, his sister, aunt, and several brother-like friends), Miguel understands and compassionately illustrates the aspects of this taboo subject.

Each chapter brings a different idea around death, the types, the impact, exploring and pondering on the many ways death arrives and what happens after. Miguel writes to help us understand the complexity of ‘the end’.  He includes meditation suggestions, personal stories, and humor. These combined make it an easy read.  Each chapter beautifully flows into the next, frequently reminding us about what we can do for those of us still breathing (including ourselves).

I found myself laughing.  I found myself thinking about certain things for the rest of the day. It gave me clarity on what I believe happens after we die but more importantly what I want to do before I die.

Miguel said about those he has lost, “What I can say is that what time we had together was invaluable, and death can’t change that.”

A reminder that spending time with those we love is the greatest gift of all and one that we get to keep forever.

“Bearing the Unbearable” by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

September 26, 2021 /

The beautiful Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is, among many things, a bereaved mother. Her book “Bearing the Unbearable” is a collection of shared grief of many mourners who walk the path of loss. Through these shared stories, we connect and find hope and understanding to support our own grief.

She speaks of the necessity of contraction and expansion; taking time for inward healing and thus giving us the energy to lean outwards for support. We must surrender to this pain, fighting it will only increase our sadness, surrendering to the tidal wave of emotion, will help soften our grief.

My favorite lesson is that of the necessity to own our pain.  She writes, “Turning toward the shattered pieces of ourselves, choosing to stand in the pain, is a serious responsibility.  When we remember our beloved dead, we bridge the gap of space and time between us and them and bring them back into the whole of our reality.”

She assures us that remembering our loved ones is what we need to do, quoting Soren Kierkegaard; “…remembering our dead epitomizes the most unselfish, freest, and most faithful type of love-a love willing to suffer for itself, so that it can continue to exist.” She speaks of how we might do this by paying it forward with a donation or act of kindness in honor of our loved one.

She believes that grief transforms from the individual into the collective and that it is us, the bereaved who can heal our world.  I have always said we are in this together, long before my life was torn apart. I have this personality glitch that I am ok only when everyone else is ok. As a mother and a caregiver all my life, Dr. Cacciatore is telling me, I now belong to a community that can heal our world. The irony of this amuses me. I live to help heal my little corner of the world and the fact that what has happened to me with Zane gives me more responsibility and entitlement to continue doing what I felt my purpose was.  I don’t want this. And yet, here it is, the Universe has sealed my purpose. Today it scares me.  Tomorrow, it will surely encourage me. My grief can be my fuel.

As women, our ‘mama bear’ is in our DNA and death does not kill that. There is a lot of healing to do. Whatever the reason that brought you into this hell, maybe there is opportunity to help heal that area on a scale bigger than you.  First, we must learn how to live with our grief. This will help heal ourselves, and perhaps then we can find the energy to heal our world.

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