A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #celebrationoflife

Another Star is Born

His passing was peaceful. Expected. The family surrounding him with messages of love and permission to go. Knowing he was to pass; the family had the ability to do some pre-planning, and the result was a celebration of his life that was filled with many beautiful extras of who Geoff was here on earth.  

It included his recipe of carbonara, a matchbook with icons of all his favorite things.  It was held at his favorite watering hole. There were speeches, pictures and videos of his short time here and his impact on all of us. There is even a book of stories to be bought. The choice of shooters was Fireball or Jamesons. Geoff was the one who insisted Zane ‘man up’ and drink Jamesons, so to see a cinnamon shot on the menu made us all roll our eyes as to why that couldn’t have been the one we toast to Zane with! I could hear Geoff laughing at us and shrugging his shoulders like he did whenever he fooled us with one of his antics. I can hear him say, “who knew?” He did.

The service itself was like a high school reunion, filled with his friends that grew up in our homes. Now, young adults, having said goodbye to Zane years ago, they gathered to say goodbye to Geoff. It was hard to see the (repeated) pain on their faces, the emptiness of the realization that there will be no more brunches, games or conversations to be shared with their friend. My heart cried hard for their loss. For our loss. For the journey my friend has been forced to travel now. 

When his sister spoke of her brother, I looked over at my daughter. How was she feeling? Did what she was hearing resonate with the pain, the emotions she felt about Zane? Of course they would. Geoff’s sister now travels on the same path my daughter does. A journey that took away her brother, her children’s uncle. And I felt like I did with my own daughter when Zane passed. Inconsolable. I cannot heal her pain.

Their entire family were stoic, as most of us in our darkest hour tend to be.  Perhaps the shock of death, whether it is sudden or a terminal illness, freezes us so we appear to be strong. Whatever it was, they rallied and created an event for all of us to be together and share our grief in a tribute that Geoff would be smiling about.

It was two years ago; Geoff was diagnosed with brain cancer. He faced his fate with courage and grace and always kept what was important to him up front. His friends and family. So many people have said to me, there is peace found in the belief that he is with Zane. Up to their antics on a universal scale. I know in my heart this to be true. I see it in the night skies.  Another star is born.

To Geoff, thank you for loving us as your ‘other family’-for being with for us for 33 years. I carry you in my heart. Forever.

Celebrating Your Birthday Without You

The birthday party is set.  Balloons have been ordered, gifts wrapped, invites confirmed and menu organized.  We are ready to celebrate Zane’s birthday.  The only thing missing is him. This is his 32nd birthday and his 5th we have celebrated with him present only in spirit.

This birthday is an annual tradition, requested by his friends at the time of his death.  They did not wish to acknowledge the day he was killed but would not miss celebrating the day he was born. And thus, each year, our family has arranged a party, complete with games, food, gifts & always a shot of Jameson.

I was having lunch with a mother who lost her son six years ago and I asked her what they did to celebrate his birthday.  I am always looking for ideas. She said, “Nothing. We don’t.” I wasn’t sure how to respond. What do you mean you don’t? “It’s just too painful”, she said. That hit me hard.

Each year our family plans how to celebrate Zane and it is painful. We laugh and cry while we brainstorm and at the end of the day, we all crash in our own way.  It is why each of us still takes the day after off work. We know we will be a mess. But before that day, we put on our mask and we gather the group and we toast to the soul who has impacted our lives, then, and now. I never thought there was an option.

I’m not saying either way is the right way.  Grief is an individual journey. But there was a tiny part of me that thought, what would it be like to not face our pain, to choose to do nothing. Friends have told me that how our family handles death is unique.  They have expressed that they can only imagine if it was them, they would be hidden away.  They would not be bringing in the masses and turning up the music.

Our family knows of no other way. Perhaps it is because we have some Irish blood in us. Perhaps it is because we have experienced more losses than others and earlier than others. Perhaps it has become a way of surviving. For us. I had never questioned why we approach death the way we do, until recently.

What I will say is that we are told by Zane’s friends that opening our home and inviting them in to share stories, to laugh, to cry, to remember, is what grounds them. We are a safe place for each of them to bring their grief and dance with it.

For me, I feel my son when I am in the presence of his friends. I learn about times he shared that I heard of but didn’t know the details. I feel his energy through their hugs. Their personalities bring my son’s attitude to life, and I can hear him with them. His essence is alive in the air.

And I think those are good enough reasons to pour a drink and turn the bubble machine on.

Happy Birthday Pooh-Bear. You are missed, loved & celebrated.

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