New Year’s Eve always took me along for the ride. When Jon worked, I would drive up to the club to hang out with friends and members, bringing in the New Year with him in between his duties. I grew tired of that and opted to stay home later, spending New Year’s Eve with the dog and a bottle of wine. It was blissful. Payton would want to spend it with us if there was no boyfriend in her life.  Zane almost always worked that night but would never miss sending a “happy new year mama” text from wherever he was. Somehow those nights didn’t feel lonely, they felt peaceful.

Our tradition, since Zane was killed, is to spend the evening together, the three of us, huddled in the keg lounge at the ‘early seating’ to enjoy our favorite foods and a great glass of wine. It is a time we talk about what we want in the new year. The conversation is light and enjoyable.  We then come home to watch a movie or chat some more…I’m not sure where the endless conversation comes from. But it does and I am grateful. We are all tucked into our own beds before midnight, and I end the night with a meditative visit with my son.  As in the past, this year will go something like this.

“I wonder what you would be doing this year”, I ask him. “Probably working”, I hear him laugh. “Really?”, I ask as I run my finger along his picture, “would you not have a day job by now?” I smile at his smile. I continue to talk out loud about what I think I could do to honor him in the upcoming year. “It’s going to be hard to beat your modeling gig of this year.” I wink. “Maybe your photography needs to take a bigger spot.” I watch his face, happy, looking back at me.  I can see the twinkle in his eyes. The room is quiet. The nightlight, his nightlight, softly illuminating my room. My thoughts go to what the new year might be like.  What worries it will bring.  What sadness it will bring. And I send a little prayer to my angels for strength to handle it.  And for sight, the ability to see the joy and newness the year also brings.  I don’t want to live in the worry. I want to live in the possibility.

As I think of these things and feel the hope of the new year, I notice it is midnight. I close my eyes. “Happy New Year Zane”. “I love you mama,” I feel him say.  As was always my reply, I whisper, “I love you more.”

May 2024 be gentle.  May it bring with it what each of us needs to relish in this life we have.  May it bring supernatural experiences, proof that those we love are chatting with us each and every night.