Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #copingwithgrief

The Arrival of September Mourning

August 30, 2026 / / 0 Comments

My daughter has instilled upon us the notion that September is the month we strive to reach each year.  August is behind us; we have made through another year of anniversaries related to our grief. September brings new scenery, a different vibe, and a hint that soon we can hibernate. I have anticipated this month coming with hope until I recently read of how September is the worse month for grievers and that hit me. Have I got it all wrong?

The ‘experts’ state that September brings grievers a sense of dread. They suggest this month begins the anticipation of what hasn’t got done yet, what do we need to let go of.  The energy of the new year, far behind us, tasks seem a bit more daunting.  The lazy days of summer turn into the hustle of work, school and the upcoming holiday season. September shouts change. The kryptonite to grievers.

Even worse, September brings the awareness of the year ending and a new year beginning without our loved one. I remember thinking I didn’t want 2019 to arrive.  It would be the first year without my boy (physically) a part of it. That had an emotional impact I still feel every year.

The articles I was reading all allude to this, that mourning requires special attention in the fall. The suggestions are obvious, take care of yourself, know that this too shall pass…things one would practice every day. And then there’s the idea that we focus on that ‘we are alive’.  To Bounce Not Break writes, “Your person may be gone, but you are alive. You have a responsibility to not only stay alive, but to actually live. Your mother or father or beloved person who died wouldn’t want you to stagnate. You have the gift of more time. It’s okay to use it.”

Although each of us understands that in our minds, our heart struggles with this, especially in the early days. And the article does not further explain how one might do that with the guilt and the non-desire to try that comes with losing a child. So, I will take the last sentence, “It’s okay to use it”, as a reminder that I do have a life to which I can use to honor Zane by living a life he had imagined for me. Strength can be found in the notion of permission.

At the end of the day, I have decided that September is different for our family.  Each of us, for years now, looks forward to having the hell of summer pass. Fall soothes our pain. The changes of color, represents what we can’t control but the transformation is beautiful. The crispness of the air wanting us to cuddle up and pour a pumpkin spice latte are self care actions we look forward to.  Intuitively our family has treated September with the ideals suggested. Not for the popular reason it is a hard month, we missed that memo. No, for our family, September is about victory. About celebrating our tenacity, our resiliency. September is our month to exhale.

A Toast to Zane

August 17, 2025 /

We made it another year. August is our toughest month. We relive the day Zane was killed. We celebrate his birthday. We battle through, holding each other and feeling our heartache, the bruises of this journey. It is what each grief warrior experiences with the death day and the birthday of their loved one. Our family is no different.  This is how we have chosen to deal with it.

Seven years ago, when our world changed forever, we asked Zane’s friends how they wished to celebrate him. It was unanimous that the 7th was to be quiet, individually pausing, no fanfare but the 13th, the day of his arrival to earth, well, that day had to be cheered. And thus, each year, we are blessed to have many of his friends join us for a toast to Zane. This year was very difficult.

Other recent losses our family is experiencing are loud this month. But before these new hardships entered, I was already feeling the angst of August. I think mostly because of the number. There is something about seven that bothers me. It seems so long ago and yet we don’t feel that way. This year’s celebration was held at Zane’s first favorite pub and twenty of his friends came to play pool, catch up, enjoy the night and share stories of our unforgettable boy.

Each year I make a toast. This year I had to write it down. I was afraid of not remembering what I needed to say.  Each year, I give out a little token, symbolic of something Zane would like or do. This year it was a key chain, a compass with a quote from Henry Thoreau that Zane loved. The line, “Live the life you have imagined” was one of Zane’s last journal entries. It is the line we had on his celebration card. It is what I reminded his friends to do in his memory with the following toast:

Today is Zane’s 34th birthday. A “seven” in numerology. No coincidence that it happens to fall on the 7th year since he was here physically. There is some magic, some supernatural cosmic underlying energy about this year.

7 is a heavenly number. A vibration of introspection and connection. Something Zane was all about. It is about paths becoming clearer. Direction becoming clearer. A push to move toward purpose.

In that number, action needed includes all things Zane loves. Exploring, discovering, lighting the world on fire. 

Let’s use this year, the magical number 7 as a message of hope. A confirmation that our loved ones are forever connected to us. Death does not change that.

This birthday, let our gift to Zane be what he said 7 years ago, “Live the life you have imagined.”

And with that toast, we continued laughing and crying until my family poured me home to bed, taking the next day off to recover. Another year, our tribe continues to survive. Together.

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