Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #diademuertos

Día de los Muertos & Matt Fraser

October 30, 2022 /

I enjoy Matt Fraser, a young and talented medium who has delivered messages from the other realm since he was a little boy. His latest book, “We Never Die” is a collection of questions and answers related to our loved ones living on another realm. An appropriate topic as we approach Día de los Muertos.

I discovered this Mexican holiday after Zane was killed and now relish in its’ annual sentiment and traditions.  Held November 1st – 2nd, it is supposed to be a time where the veil is thinnest, and our loved ones can cross over to celebrate with us. According to Matt, our loved ones are aware of the celebrations we host, and the festivities held in their honor.  And they attend!

Día de los Muertos, Day of the Dead, is a celebration, and begins with one creating a display of photographs and artifacts belonging to our loved ones. As the day gets closer, much-loved menu items and beverages are added. The night itself, we feast on their favorite dishes and share stories of what life was like with them here.  According to Matt, our loved ones are very similar in Heaven as they were on earth. Their personality shines through his readings and he assures us they maintain their sense of humor and wonder in their after life.

Día de los Muertos is about remembering our loved ones. Speaking their name. According to folklore, if we do not remember them, they can not cross over (just watch the Disney movie Coco). Our remembrance of our loved ones gives them strength. According to Matt, our loved ones are with us and are grateful that we remember them, pay tribute to them.  They are aware of what we do.  And they are appreciative.

Matt’s book is a comforting assurance that our loved ones are nearby. He answers odd questions like do they eat and sleep as well as more profound questions like will my soulmate be the one that I am with after death. His book is a great reference to how our loved ones are on their side and offers words of encouragement that we can communicate with them from this side.  Simply because, as Día de los Muertos suggests, and Matt confirms, we never die.

This year I have added the children of friends to my altar. It is a chosen way to honor their loss and the lives of their very spirited children who I believe will be rocking it up there with my son. And who I hope will come through to visit those here missing them. What a beautiful holiday to ease the heart.

Adopting Cultural Celebrations of the Dead

October 25, 2020 /

Not until I became a grief warrior did I discover how much western culture dismisses death.

The grace period seems to be about a year.  During that time you are expected to return to work and other obligations but there is a naïve acknowledgment of how hard life must be. There is also an outpouring of sympathy around every holiday.  Whispers of, “Oh this is her first Christmas, this is her first anniversary….” cards arrive in the mail box and friends drop by.  I am told that some who grieve are given less than a year and others no attention at all.  That is a whole other level of grief.  My heart hurts for those suffering alone.

When year two arrives, there is an expectation that, since we made it through year one, the rest of our time on earth without our loved ones is quite manageable.  Some have even suggested to me that by year two, “I should be over this now”.

Our culture does not like to acknowledge the ugly face of death.  Nor does it like to celebrate it.  In fact, we seem to do everything we can to bury our dead and move on quickly. This is accepted as normal bereavement behavior.  Our culture sucks.

Somewhere in my first year, I learned of Día de los Muertos, a day to honor our dead.  It is a Latin American celebration; an invitation to our deceased to join us from their spirit world for a night of song and food.  What was not to like about this idea?  I put out Zane’s favorite drink and a glass and gave a toast of cheer to him that night.  Later in the season, I met a friend of Zane’s who, from Mexico, said this is her family tradition.  She shared with me how and why they host this annual celebration and suggested I watch the Disney animated movie “Coco”. 

She said, “They nailed the representation of Día de los Muertos.  If you want a simple understanding of this holiday, watch the movie.”

Our family watched the movie.  I cried.  I suggest you watch it.  It encouraged me to do this each year.  So here we are.  The pumpkin carving begins. The décor of bats and witches brooms adorns porches across my community.  But inside, I have decorated my china hutch with orange and yellow flowers, candles and a couple sugar skulls. I have hung pictures of Zane and my other relatives who no longer live on this earth. I have called the family to join me for dinner on November 2nd to sit around the table and celebrate those who we miss.  I will serve their favorite foods; there will be wine and a Jameson shot (or two) and there will be laughter.  

I believe that part of our war with grief is that we are told to move on, get over it or push past it. Death makes people uncomfortable.  We need to create a culture for ourselves and others, where we are not only able to speak of the dead but to celebrate them and keep them an active part of our lives.

Dia de los Muertos is good mourning.

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