August is our ugly month. It holds so much loss, so much pain. Each year, our family holds our breath and plunges into the month with the hopes that we will survive.  And we do. This year was different. Our past traditions were challenged by the different emotions of our family.  We are all grieving, and up to this point, compromises seemed easier. This year was a battle of what everyone needed and how to create something that respected each need.

My daughter posted on her social media that this year she was done with being sad. She wants to move forward with all the wonderful and new things in her life. She is tired of being tired. And thus, continuing with our ways of coping unsettled her grief. She needed something different.  Identifying what that might be seemed impossible.

I have accepted that the emotion of sadness will always be a main feeling within me. So, staying with what I know we do each year to celebrate Zane is safe. The past years have proved that I will get through it. My husband wanted whatever we wanted. Although he does have a way of putting his own spin on things each time, no matter what else might be suggested. So, I fretted about how to create an event that would be about Zane, that would include his friends and the new desires of my daughter.

We landed on a simple drink with whoever was available. We chose a bar that had easy access, free parking and a dog friendly patio. The bonus was it also had a nice wine! When this idea was shared and accepted, somewhat questionably, but accepted as what we would try this year, I handed it over to Jon. “Invite the usuals”, I said. And with that, I surrendered to what will be that day, will be. (Yep, still using that mantra because it works.)

Each year, I buy a token for Zane’s friends to keep in memory of him. This year I chose to give a little stone for each friend to carry. Jon came with me, and we picked out a newly found stone called K2. It is suggested that this high vibrational stone is for those wanting to become more aware of their soul and the souls of their loved ones. It holds an energy that is reported to calm emotions and brings people together in harmony. A perfect choice for what Zane did on earth and what each of us wants with him; to connect our souls and feel the warm synchronization of being together.  

I laid the stones out on the table for his friends to choose the stone that spoke to them. As I gathered the left-over stones, one rolled out of the bag and landed in front of me. I looked down and there it was. A small cube shaped stone with an undeniable Z on it! His friends laughed and pointed at it. One friend leaned into me and said, “well if that isn’t Zane telling you he’s here, nothing is”. My son picked out my stone. These are the signs that make the heart explode.

The next day, our family debriefed on the party and agreed that it went well. It was a big change, but it was less work, roughly the same cost (perhaps a bit more) and Jon had invited those we loved and a few surprise guests that enhanced the evening. The truth, I don’t think it matters how we gather, but that we gather. His friends, our family, need this annual ritual of celebrating the person who connected us all. A toast to Zane, on his birthday, will never get old. And with that, we agreed to continue our traditions and be ok with shaking them up as needed.