Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #family

Under the Lilac Trees

June 8, 2025 /

Zane was two when I took him to the Lilac Festival for the first time. It was a free event with vendors and music and bubbles filling the streets of downtown. It was magical. We both loved the energy of so many people gathering to celebrate the upcoming spring and enjoy the scents of the lilac trees outlining the walkway. After that, he was hooked and attended every year.

This year, I wanted to be there. At my work, we are creating a social media project in honor of Zane. What better day to kick it off then at Lilac Festival, the symbolic event of shaking of the (winter) blues and reconnecting with nature and people. This day captures Zane’s persona beautifully.

There were over 100,000 people this year. Including Zane. The bubbles floating around us. The man who stood in front of us wearing a t-shirt with the quote ‘the dude abides’ were all signs that my son continues to attend this springtime favorite. The festival was as wonderful as I had remembered. We stopped for lunch at a favorite watering hole and nestled into the booth. Jose had invited a friend to join us. When she arrived, she slid in between Jon and Roydon and Jose began introductions. Pointing to each of us as he spoke, he said, “this is mom and dad, this is my brother-in-law and this is my sister”. My heart lit up. I have called Jose my other kid for years. He calls me his Mama J. But hearing it out loud to someone who doesn’t know us or our story, was different.  

I speak of how blessed our family is that Zane has such great friends who continue to include us in their lives, in his honor. My daughter spoke at his celebration of how she grew up with many of his friends, who were like brothers to her. On that day, they promised her to be there as Zane would have been, and they have kept that promise. The bonus is Jon, and I were also adopted by them. I am the mother of five other boys.

We left the kids that afternoon in the company of their friends to continue soaking up Lilac Festival. My heart was full, a rare day where sweet seemed to reign over bitter.  The essence of the Lilac Festival showering over us, the bonds of la familia celebrating a sunny Sunday. A moment each year that Zane discovered early in his life, and whose love of the energy this event brings, he has shared with all of us. Lilac Festival is a tradition of warm, simple connections. An annual gathering our entire family enjoys.  I must remember to attend each year, as my kids do. It is good mourning.    

Experiences Through Surrender-Part Two

August 11, 2024 /

I’d be amiss if I didn’t share the realization that I came to when visiting family this summer. I am not sure how or more importantly why our individual souls chose to group together as relatives for this lifetime with grief as the number one challenge.  It seems that my holiday mantra, ‘surrender’ helped open my eyes to family dynamics and my heart to understanding deeper.

Every friend and colleague have told me that our family has experienced more death, more sadness than anyone they know. Some even joke about not being sure if they want to be my friend. In case death is contagious. I smile. We don’t wear this truth like a badge of honor. No, in fact we gripe about it.  But, at the end of the day, we are a very strong clan, and I think living with grief fosters that.

Our family reunion this year included happy news, the sharing of struggles, living with grief, coping with mental and physical health challenges and every conversation included both tears and smiles. It was during this event that I realized how much our family has in common. Not just blood, or marriage or the sharing of children, but the soul plan of what we are facing, learning to live with and overcoming as a collective group. We each do our best to create an existence that honors God, ourselves and each other. We are a family who stand next to the ghosts in the closet and share real life struggles. We are a family that provides support to one another with no judgement of what has happened or why. We live in the mantra, surrender to what is, was to be. I feel very lucky to be in the company of such strength found in life’s adversity.

The day was preceded by a visit to the local cemetery. I had not visited the graves of my father-in-law or favorite Aunts or my brothers-in-law. As we toured the path, pausing at each tombstone to remember, I noticed how many of my beloved were resting here. In our family, we honor and celebrate our loved ones so intensely that one needs to be reminded they are not physically with us. The granite placings marking their birth, and their passing was surreal. It left me feeling empty and yet, when at the family reunion, the recollections of each person who had died brought them back. Our loved ones were there, invisible but very much with us. Joy returns through the saying of their names.

The day ended with four of us driving back with the roof down, the music blaring, singing at the top of our lungs.  Arms waving up over our heads, I felt connected to every spirit, including Zane’s. The setting sun above us, the wind through our hair, the pleasure of being together.  We ended at the harbor. My sweet sister-in-law wanted a moment to honor her beloved Kim. The harbor was one of his favorite places and it was fitting on that night, with the essence of our family reunion covering us, we stopped to be with Kim. The water gently clapping the cement dock, the soft green hue of the lighthouse across the lake, there was a peace that only matched Kim’s quiet persona. Another family member is with us in spirit.

Surrender is not a word used by warriors. And it is not a word I would use often.  Our family are fighters. But the word has a place. When grief is as abundant as it is with our clan, when the pain of loss overcomes and clouds perspective, surrendering to what we can’t control can be calming. When we sit next to grief and ask it what I am to learn if I surrender, it carries power. Our family practices this intuitively. Our lives are full, and we can face our challenges, find strength in each other and when rest is required, momentarily surrender. This practice brings depth and bliss to the journey we experience together.

And That’s a Wrap!

November 5, 2023 /

Halloween this year was forgotten because of our daughter getting married.  It was all hands-on deck, welcoming the family from afar and catching up over many drinks while adding the final touches to her big day. A whirlwind of tasks, plans and last-minute worries end up in the limo rushing down Glenmore Trail to her soon-to-be husband.

In the end, our daughter’s wedding was everything she wanted it to be. And more. It was a beautiful day. The weather cooperated, with pictures taken outside, the waters of the North Reservoir in the background, and the blue sky above. I was strangely calm. In fact, even present in the moment, watching the faces of family and friends as our children said their vows with tears and laughter arising from the group.

I was strong when the pictures were being taken and my ‘other children’ gathered around me to pose, capturing the love on film I will be able to keep forever. Then the photographer said it was the last picture and it was to be of me and my daughter.  I thought it strange as she and I had our pictures taken already.  The photographer asked me to face the waters and put my arm around Payton. As we looked out, her maid of honor came around from behind us and handed me a framed picture. It was a print of three people, standing side by side. The bride in the middle, the mother on the left and a man on the right. It was uncanny that the hair coloring and even the dresses were the same as what we were wearing.  And then I saw the halo over the head of the man. And the words Te amo momma Fish were underneath, and I realized it was Zane standing next to the bride. I started to cry. My sweet daughter had found a way to bring her brother to her wedding, to me, and we were standing there together. The three of us. My heart exploded.

Planning this wedding was a multi-year effort. It was all consuming, but because of that, the details were perfect. Their vows to each other were full of symbolism from the movies they watched that had them both teary. The gown, a surprise for the groom, as he had expected black, but she wore white, left him breathless. They had a ‘change of costume’ at the reception, to dance their first song together. Not a waltz, no, this couple chose the theme from the movie Pulp Fiction!

The open bar graced framed pictures of those joining us from above. They even included one of my beloved Tango. There were bubbles blown for Zane, a menu that included his favorite dish and his favorite drink were offered to the guests.  Many did indulge in those choices to honor Zane. I am so proud of how my little girl included her big brother. There were speeches from their friends about how they feel like we are their family and belly laughs of past adventures that were shared with all. Truly, the spirit of the night was inclusive, so inclusive that the Heavens joined us.

I am grateful to all who attended, who supported us, not just in the planning of this day, but the times leading up to it. Our friends and relatives who understood how important this ceremony was to our family, each, in their own way stepped up big time to ensure it was one that would help us put grief aside and let love take over. My heart is filled with thanks.

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