I have been inclined to defend my thoughts and actions in the past while to current times or more specifically that grief has turned me into a bitch. I have become less tolerant; I say no more often, I exercise boundaries more often and feel less guilty about it. I am starting to practice self-care, still being kind to others but also to myself.  I am looking at my life as if it were in a petri dish under a microscope and what I like I want more of. What I don’t like, I am losing patience with keeping around. It is a new and scary feeling.

I was told in grief counselling that around the 1.5-year mark after a child’s death, mothers begin to ‘find their voice’.  We have been stripped of every ideal reality, every role we know of and are left to start again.  Within this, it is common for us to find our truth.

Part of this finding involves the grief bursts and rage bursts. We are out of our body with grief. This is normal and practicing grounding is a suggested technique to help. It is simple and can be done anywhere without looking crazy.

Stand with your feet slightly apart and solid on the ground. Close your eyes. Feel the ground under your feet.  Know the ground is solid, you are touching it, connected to its hold. It will not let you fall.  Feel your energy flow through your body and down into your legs, your feet and into the ground, tying you to its earth. Feel this strength.  It is calm. Solid. It can carry you. Breathe.

I practice this exercise lots. I find it works; the angry energy, the silent scream from inside travels through me and into the ground where it is soaked up and contained.

As we put into place new practices to survive, there is solace in knowing that we are not crazy. We are given permission to try new things and change it up to create a warm, comforting environment that supports our pain. We have permission to reflect on what we want, what we need, and how to change to receive that. That is enlightening.

I wrote to Zane about this.

“…so, we don’t really become bitches as I thought. We develop this gentle but firm presence, a sort of this is who I am take it or leave it attitude. All things you wanted for me.  How ironic… so, I have chosen to look at this upcoming transformation as another gift from you.”

I am curious, who I will become when I find my truth. I do know that it will be centered around what Zane had hoped for me and what I had hoped for him.