Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a legend in the grief community. She is the one who taught us of the 5 stages of grief. We first believed that you went through each stage in an orderly fashion, ending up with acceptance. We now know, and she admits, this is not the case. We live within these 5 stages for the rest of our lives.

In her book, co-written with David Kessler, “On Grief and Grieving”, the two give us support in finding the meaning of grief through these stages. Each stage they illustrate the effects on the griever with shared research, stories, and reflections.  It makes for an easy read. 

Anger, the stage we visit most often is really the easy one to deal with as it covers all the other deep feelings. Anger comes in many different forms. They share a story of a client (Keith) whose son was randomly shot at the age of 17. At the parole hearing, the killer’s father, visibly upset his son was denied parole and would continue his life sentence, Keith realized that they were two fathers at each end of the gun and his anger changed to curiosity. This helped Keith with the anger of his grief.

They speak of how regrets will always be a part of grief, no matter the details of the relationship or the death. It is never too late to say how you feel, to apologize if needed. They write, “We often make the mistake of thinking all communication ends at death.” This sentence gave me comfort.

They speak of the importance of taking your time, trying to be present at the funeral (which how would you know pre-death?  Great advice, moving forward!) They write about how it’s ok to give up your loved one’s possessions or never give them up…grief is yours to own. And they speak of how we come together as a community when there is a death. Public deaths, like John F. Kennedy, we feel connected, we feel we were ‘there’ and yet we live in a society where the deaths of our own community are rushed to get over. This hurried sense of you must be ok, the need to move on does not honor our loved one’s or ourselves.

Their message is that to grieve and grieve well, we will live well. That grief is the healing process of the heart, soul, and mind. It is not will you grieve; it is when will you grieve. “And until we do, we suffer from the effects of that unfinished business”. Good advice from the Doctor and her co-writer.

This book is a classic for anyone grieving. It is a confirmation of what we know. A reminder of what we need to do and a source of hope that we will survive. Broken heart and all.