Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #friends

I See You Beside Us

February 4, 2024 /

The annual staff party was a highlight of Zane’s. It started with pre-drinks at his friend’s house to which the boss and another friend joined.  They would laugh, play video games, and ‘prepare’ for the night ahead. I would drive him over and knew it would be a late-night cab ride home for him. He loved it. The tradition continues and Zane still attends in spirit.

As the favorite video game was played, his boss, yelled out, “here’s the part that I move in and beat Zane.  Every time”. He laughs as the game cheers his victory. A toast follows. When I was told this, I could just see them all gathered around the TV, chanting each other on. Including Zane. This is the same group that has adopted the Jameson shot (to be had at every gathering) in honor of their buddy. It has been five years since my son was physically with them and yet, their celebrating him through memories, shared stories, and chatter as if he was here, really brings him here.

In our family, talking about our loved ones who have passed, as if they are still present, is common. We have relatives who have never met my husband’s mother but talk of her as if they had a lifetime with her. I never met her, but I know she and I are friends. I can hear her laugh as she pulls out her next room temperature beer from the carton on the floor. She was golden. She is golden.

Our clan includes family that are here and from across the realm in our daily living. They will forever be family. We celebrate their birthdays with all their favorites, and we speak to them, aloud or through prayer, for guidance.  This is the power of storytelling. Of remembering. Of saying their names.  We know they are the stars above us that are watching out for us. Still. 

My heart is happy that Zane’s boss and his co-workers include him. Through their continued actions, their love of their friend, a culture of respect and inclusion has formed. The idea that Zane is not physically with them is subliminal to the joy he brought and still brings. My son is very lucky to have comrades that refuse to let death separate them.

And That’s a Wrap!

November 5, 2023 /

Halloween this year was forgotten because of our daughter getting married.  It was all hands-on deck, welcoming the family from afar and catching up over many drinks while adding the final touches to her big day. A whirlwind of tasks, plans and last-minute worries end up in the limo rushing down Glenmore Trail to her soon-to-be husband.

In the end, our daughter’s wedding was everything she wanted it to be. And more. It was a beautiful day. The weather cooperated, with pictures taken outside, the waters of the North Reservoir in the background, and the blue sky above. I was strangely calm. In fact, even present in the moment, watching the faces of family and friends as our children said their vows with tears and laughter arising from the group.

I was strong when the pictures were being taken and my ‘other children’ gathered around me to pose, capturing the love on film I will be able to keep forever. Then the photographer said it was the last picture and it was to be of me and my daughter.  I thought it strange as she and I had our pictures taken already.  The photographer asked me to face the waters and put my arm around Payton. As we looked out, her maid of honor came around from behind us and handed me a framed picture. It was a print of three people, standing side by side. The bride in the middle, the mother on the left and a man on the right. It was uncanny that the hair coloring and even the dresses were the same as what we were wearing.  And then I saw the halo over the head of the man. And the words Te amo momma Fish were underneath, and I realized it was Zane standing next to the bride. I started to cry. My sweet daughter had found a way to bring her brother to her wedding, to me, and we were standing there together. The three of us. My heart exploded.

Planning this wedding was a multi-year effort. It was all consuming, but because of that, the details were perfect. Their vows to each other were full of symbolism from the movies they watched that had them both teary. The gown, a surprise for the groom, as he had expected black, but she wore white, left him breathless. They had a ‘change of costume’ at the reception, to dance their first song together. Not a waltz, no, this couple chose the theme from the movie Pulp Fiction!

The open bar graced framed pictures of those joining us from above. They even included one of my beloved Tango. There were bubbles blown for Zane, a menu that included his favorite dish and his favorite drink were offered to the guests.  Many did indulge in those choices to honor Zane. I am so proud of how my little girl included her big brother. There were speeches from their friends about how they feel like we are their family and belly laughs of past adventures that were shared with all. Truly, the spirit of the night was inclusive, so inclusive that the Heavens joined us.

I am grateful to all who attended, who supported us, not just in the planning of this day, but the times leading up to it. Our friends and relatives who understood how important this ceremony was to our family, each, in their own way stepped up big time to ensure it was one that would help us put grief aside and let love take over. My heart is filled with thanks.

Connecting Through Shared Stories

February 20, 2022 /

This past Super Bowl was a party at my daughter’s home with friends whom she inherited from Zane. It was the first bittersweet event of the year. It was a wonderful afternoon, each of us wearing our favorite team, bets placed, comfy chairs and lots too eat and drink. It was missing only one thing.  Zane.

Zane had a close group of friends fondly referred to as ‘La Familia’. When Zane was killed, his friends adopted our family, bringing us in to be a part of what Zane loved to do and who he loved to be with.  We all feel very lucky for that.  We have been invited to birthday parties, BBQ’s, holiday events and social afternoons. We know the invite comes to us out of respect for our son. (The picture above is one of the many get togethers with some friends to share stories).

When you lose a child, their friends become an important connection.  They share stories of adventures that you might not have known about.  They hold a different perspective of our children; they were friends, not parents or siblings. If given the opportunity to sit and talk with them, take it!

Listening to shared experiences they had with your child is no easy task. And watching these young friends live the life that your child was robbed of is painful. I am secretly dreading the upcoming weddings and children of their own that will fill their life with love. And yet, I want to be a part of their happiness. I want to know more about my son’s life and hear how he affected his friends lives.  These are the people that he chose to spend his time and energy with. Getting to know them, brings another dimension to who my son is. I want to hear his name and his friends are happy to share. It is a blessing that causes tears and smiles.

I was standing in the kitchen during half time and one of Zane’s closest friends came in to hug me. He said, “can’t you feel him? it’s like he is here with us” I agreed.  He hugged me and when he pulled back, he said, with tears in his eyes, “I just really miss him…” “I know, sweetie,” I replied and hugged him again, “we all do”.

That evening I realized that maybe there is more to his friends including us than just out of respect for Zane.  Perhaps they too feel that connection, through his family, that closeness to him.  They too hear a different perspective, different experiences that we know of that Zane had not shared with them. Together, as a group, through conversations, there develops a well-rounded image of all that my boy was.  And with our conversations continuing, of the person he will always be.

Choosing Your Tribe

October 17, 2021 /

Recently, with the madness of today, I have found myself in a position where, because of my personal health choice, I am not welcome in many places. Including the home of some of my very best friends. We have spent a lifetime together.  We raised our children, buried family members, traveled, got hired, got fired, faced cancer and health scares of all sorts and always over a glass of wine. Until now.

Defending my choice or debating the issue is futile. Their beliefs and perspectives are different.  Although we have had differences before, on this issue, they have told me there is no room for compromise.  This leaves me to just feel what I feel. I have lost my tribe.

Friends or family who have shared decades with you suddenly don’t get you. They don’t understand what you are thinking and why. They are uncomfortable with your choices. Whatever their reason, we find ourselves having to spend less time or no time with such relationships. This complicates our grief because loss is loss.

As in life, with grief, we are taught to choose our tribe. We need to be surrounded by those who are accepting and who understand us. The people needed in your life; family, friends, colleagues are easily identified by who shows up that does not pass judgement or criticize the means to which you live and grieve. Finding a group of supportive people to surround you may change as you do. We must review who shows up for us that we feel energized by and not condemned by.

Our insight of this, opens the Universe and our time to bring new friends into our lives.  New, but more aligned with the path we are on. That doesn’t mean it has to be a fellow grief warrior; no, it is a person who understands and supports your emotions. All your emotions.

I have found new connections through on-line and face-to-face support groups. These people have become like family.  I have stronger connections with friends who I would see casually but now relish in their company as their aligned outlook brings me hope and inspiration. And there may come a crossroad in the future where my long-time friends will be and our differences, behind us, we can enjoy a glass of wine together again. I have faith.  

© 2024 Good Mourning Grief

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑