Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #friendship

Old Blue Eyes

January 21, 2024 /

There was a holiday season, a long time ago, where we visited two friends often. Then health, travel and kids took priority and we saw each other less.  Every time we got together it was like picking up where we left off.  That is the way of good friends.  Time means nothing.  Until it does.

The last time I saw our friend, we were walking Tango. He pulled up beside us and we chatted about life, the age of our dog, the battles we all were going through with our health.  He was concerned about my cancer; how my recovery was going.  He didn’t want to talk about his own battle with cancer. His health “was pickled with the scotch I drink” he’d laugh. His blue eyes twinkled. They were always filled with a light, a love for those around him.  It earned him the nickname, ‘old blue eyes.’   “We must get together soon,” I said as Tango pulled on his leash to let me know it was time to keep going. “Yes, we will”, he waved goodbye.

The news of his death came as a shock. It shouldn’t have, but it did. Another friend I somehow felt would be around forever.  Or at the very least until we had that next drink we were planning.

His physical absence will be missed by a very large community. His soft demeanour, sense of humor and love for family and friends attracted a big group of admirers that relished in his company. We were lucky to be a part of that. He is the man that sent a card to us, each birthday, death anniversary and holiday of Zane’s, letting us know he will never forget him and how lucky we are to be loved by our son. I treasured his kind gesture, honoring our son in such a tender, personal way. That was so typical of the kindness he showed. He was always just a call away and if the porch light was on, the door was open to come in and enjoy a drink.

His passing hit us all hard.  Even my daughter burst into tears. That’s how special he is. That’s how deep the impact of his friendship is. We are taught that grief is the price we pay for love. And as we sit quietly together, grief joins us. And yet, somehow, the love our friend had of this life spills over us, washing us with a sense, a reminder, that the game is not over, only the course has changed.

“In golf and life, it is the follow through that makes the difference.” My sweet friend, you were a sure hit, making a difference as your soul gathered many to enjoy the beauty of this life.  May we continue to see you at tee time!

Letting Love Ease Grief

November 13, 2022 /

I’m not sure who dictates how much goes onto one person’s plate, but I wish they’d recalculate. This year has been brutal on our family.  The loss of Dan, my cancer, the loss of Kim, the life and death health struggles of close friends, and now two more friends want to check out.

We heard of their desire back in the spring. Both suffer major health ailments and life is no longer the quality they hope for. After much conversation, we convinced them to investigate moving back to Calgary into an assisted living community and enjoy our health care support as well as the love of their family and friends here.  They liked that idea. I was relieved. We found a place and made plans to fly them out to see it. These are lifetime friends who, when we are together, none of us remember that our health is crappy, and we are in pain.  There is laughter and shared memories and time flies in their company.  Their friendship is therapeutic. This was a good solution for however many days or years they have left here. Then we got a call from their son. Assisted death is back on the table.  Why?

A cat scan showed two more tumors in our friend. He is done. He is too tired to struggle for the slim chance that he may last a couple more years. His life has been a good one and he wishes to go out on his own. She feels the same way about her health, although hers is better.  I think it is that she does not want to be here without him.  They are two peas in a pod and have never been separated.

There is a part of me that gets this and then there is the selfish side of me that screams, NO. I don’t want anymore loss in my life. Especially when it is chosen. I don’t want to have to be at another funeral and taking care of estates and personal wills (we are the executors) and selling their home. I am sick. I don’t have enough energy to get out of bed lately.  I can’t do this. Grief steps in and blinds me. It zaps the energy and the understanding that I have friends who are suffering and want to end it.

Grief is a personal journey, and can be at times, a selfish journey. When it is loud, it consumes us to think only of ourselves; that life is unfair, we are hard done by and why me.  It is at this time, that we must stop and let love come in. Love takes grief into its arms and holds it.  It whispers, “everything will be ok.  We got this.” It opens our eyes to a larger understanding and stirs up empathy within our hearts to listen and not judge. Love can calm grief.

So, I sit in my chair, and I listen to love. I think of the many wonderful memories I will always have. I feel gratitude that I have these friends and I ask for strength to be with them when they carry out their wishes. I feel my grief lessen and the energy I will need peeks over the distant horizon of my own anguish. I tell grief that I am aware it does not leave and thank it for momentarily letting love ease its sharp edges.

Keys to Grief

September 18, 2022 /

Grief comes in many forms and many levels of intensity. Grief is a result of loss and there are losses almost daily that we accept, sometimes without even recognizing it. Until they accumulate and you are not feeling well or can’t focus and not understanding why. Such was this week.

We drove to British Columbia to see friends who are not aging well. In our conversation with them I heard the loss of hope in my friend as he talked about not having the capacity to be the person he once was. No one likes bad change. And his physical issues are not good. But as we spoke, I realized that sometimes we have expectations to be the person we were decades ago, or days ago, from what life has handed us. Adaptation is key to happiness.

We came home to news that another close friend had stumbled and thinking it was a stroke, his children took him to the hospital.  What they found was a large cancerous tumor in his brain. He underwent surgery the next day and the doctors have told us there will be a long road to recovery and a much shorter life expectancy than we had thought would be his life plan. Hope is key to resiliency.

Over cocktails, another friend told me she was diagnosed with cancer and will be having her toe amputated in hopes that it has not spread. We shared feelings about the realism of aging and how everything happens for a reason. God only knows what the reasons are this week. Trust is key to strength.

What I do know is that my plate is full. I am connected, by heart and soul to these friends. So, when falling to sleep is not happening and my body hurts, I know that I am grieving for the loss.  The loss of what was and the loss of what is coming.

It is an unsettling feeling, empty of promise with no clear predictions. Such is life. Such is love. Such is loss. And what I know now is that grief is also a part of life and love and loss. Acceptance is key to courage.  

We Must Lead the Way

July 25, 2021 /

A mother in my grief circle posted it was her son’s first year anniversary and none of her family acknowledged it.  She felt guilty that she was upset with them for this. The overwhelming response (from those of us who know) was that this reception is sad but true. People forget. They move on. They expect us to do the same.  And this societal belief isolates us, deepening our grief. 

Our society does not know how to handle grief.  We like it to be wrapped up with a beautiful tribute at a tearful funeral and we then ‘move on’.  This is for many reasons.  Our loved ones don’t want to see us hurting.  They feel powerless that they can’t make us feel better.  They miss the person we were before the death. It is from a place of care that our loved ones try to hurry us along in our grief and get past it and back to ‘normal’. A normal we will never be able to go back to.

This desire is hard on us who are grieving. We too want to be our old selves. We wish life was normal but as that will not be now; we struggle to find new ways to go forward with this grief. It is difficult.  It is work to mourn and learn who you are becoming with grief as part of you now. This journey will cause friends to fall to the side, adding to our loss.  The friends that stay with us, these are our angels.

I recently had a chat with one of my angels in her new space. I had looked forward to seeing her. She met me with a hug and a tour of her creative room and we sat to catch up on life since we last spoke. She makes things so very natural.  We share the frustrations of our current climate, the hopes for new projects at work and the status of what our kids are up to.  And the true beauty of her is that our updates include Zane.  In her quiet and loving manner, she will speak of him and ask how I am doing with my grief journey.  She is interested and asks what I am presently doing to honor him and offers possibilities.  Her visit comforts me and I leave with a refreshed calm.

I am grateful, and lucky to have friends like her. I listen to my fellow grief warriors who feel alone that they have no person such as this.  I can’t imagine.  It adds to one’s grief.  It must. It demonstrates there is work we need to do to help our society understand and respond to grief better. We must help our loved ones be brave with the discomfort that comes with speaking of what has hurt us most.  We must lead them in conversation, reassuring them that we want to speak of our beloved.  That we need to speak of our beloved. We must remind them of special occasions of our beloved and share our desires and our expectations of what we need from them for these dates. It is up to us to lead the way because the alienation that comes from not sharing our grief or ignoring our grief is not good mourning.  We need more earth angels, like my precious friend, one of the few whose soul needs no training on how to be such a wonderful support.  

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