I was given a book to read from a friend who has been supportive of my journey. The book she brought is called “May Cause Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein. She had bought herself a copy too and thought it would be fun if we had our own mini book club. I took her up on her offer.

The author, Gabrielle, a beautiful and successful woman took a Course in Miracles and wanting to share the growth she received through this experience, wrote a book. Not knowing any of her past struggles, it seemed a bit odd for me to be taking advice from a young woman who, I am guessing, has nowhere near the path that I have. But, in my search for ways to bring more joy into my life, I agreed to let her guide me to make, as she suggests, shifts for radical change and unlimited happiness. That is a big promise!

Each morning began with a meditation and each evening closed with journalling and a meditation. The concept is recognizing ego comes from fear and when we face it and replace it with love, we feel better. She touches on all aspects of life, self-perception, body image, relationships, even finance! She closes each week with the “F” word -forgiveness. She claims, it is this word that is the most powerful and life changing. It is this word, that if we practice forgiving ourselves, others, our past, that this is what will bring us joy and abundance.

Although she does not speak to the complications of grief and forgiveness, the idea of forgiving may help grief warriors in letting go of some of our anger and replacing it with, perhaps peace. I am not sure. So, in blind, faith, I spent forty-two days repeating affirmations and opening my mind to new possibilities. I enjoyed the mediations and the self-reflection. It is the “F” word I struggle with.

Forgiveness is tricky. If someone cuts you off in traffic, we can get mad and then we can forgive. It is clear who we were forgiving and for what. Grief is more difficult. I’m not sure who or what I am supposed to be forgiving. Is it God for giving my son a life plan that has all of us living in eternal pain? Is it the man who took three lives that night because he chose to drive high? Is it me for not creating a life for my son that might have altered his destiny? In grief, who you need to forgive and what you need to forgive can be a Pandora’s box. It is not as simple as “I forgive you. I feel happy now”. Not in the least. 

What the meditations of choosing love over fear from this book did bring was a more in-depth look at my grief. It brought an awareness of how very long my F list is. And how carrying this with me for years has subtly made me an angry, resentful person inside.  That was my radical aha moment.  I must understand who I need to forgive and for what. When that is clear, the work of forgiving can begin, in hopes of coming to a place where there is room for happiness.

I look forward to meeting up with my friend to discuss how her journey went and if she has made any shifts for change. I am not sure how she knew this book would be one my heart needed.  But she did. And I am grateful for her.