Tag: #goodmourninggrief (Page 6 of 10)

The Wedding is Set & the Heavens Will be There.

October 29, 2023 / Mama Fish

We interrupt this grief for a day to celebrate our daughter to be married on Halloween Day. They chose this day because it is their favorite holiday and horror movies are their thing. The entire theme is centered around this passion. The officiator will be reading from ‘the book of the dead’ and guests will find their table not by number but by horror movie character. You may be sitting with Dracula or Michael Myers or some other creepy evil being. It has been three years planning this event and the only thing missing is Zane.

I have been told by my daughter that “I need to keep it together.” This is her time. This is not about Zane. She says this from a pure heart of concern that her mother might not be able to enjoy her happiest day because I am consumed with sadness. I have assured her that I will do my best. How this will happen I have no idea. I have laid awake for nights now pondering how is this possible that her brother is not the one dancing with her, hugging her, standing up for her? How is this same celebration something he was robbed of? How do I pretend to not see the empty chair?

Big life events, especially joyous ones, are the epitome of a grief warrior’s life. Bittersweet. You can’t have one without the other. We learn to cry in the quiet corners of the day or at night when the blinds are closed, and the company has gone home. We hone a mask to fit our face, perfectly covering our emotions for the days of conversations about all that is life. All that our children should experience. And we are happy that our earth-bound children are enjoying these milestones. It is sweet. We are grateful. But the cold harsh truth is that some of our children cannot experience the same. And that is the bitter part. As they say, “it is what it is.” No one gets that more than a grieving parent.

My sleepless nights have come up with some solutions to how I can be what my daughter needs on this day. The first was a conversation I had with my son. He couldn’t wait for his sister to get married to a nice guy. He wanted her to be happy. And she is. The second is we have brought Zane and our other loved ones to this day with pictures of them and stories, special drinks, and signage to remind our family and friends they are with us. Payton will be carrying a bead of Zane’s ashes, as will I, to hold him close. They will be signing their nuptials with a pen that has a sprinkle of his ashes in it. I have a tattoo to visualize him being a part of our ‘pod’ forever, and I will be wearing a necklace with his picture in it. These gestures are small but reassuring.

It was last night, my biggest aha moment appeared when I was meditating and an awareness, a subconscious knowing came through me. The day they are ‘tying the knot’ is the day where I believe the veil between heaven and earth is the thinnest and the opportunity for our loved ones to join us in spirit is highest. Oh, what a feeling! To be reminded of what Zane believed, what he taught all of us. We are all connected. There is no death. We are together and our loved ones will be there, dancing next to us. The faith that he will show up and there will be signs to confirm, this is what I need to hold tight to. It is the key ingredient to reducing bitterness. My son would not miss his little sister’s wedding. My soul told me so.

A Resource for Grieving Pet Owners

October 22, 2023 / Mama Fish

A neighbor told me of his friend whose small dog got loose and darted into traffic. He was hit by a car and his friend witnessed all of it. Standing helplessly on the side of the road, she waited for the traffic to stop so she could run out and pick up his limp little body. “She hasn’t been the same since”, he said.

When this happened, Tango was still alive. I bumped into her months later and asked how she was managing. She gave credit to the book, “The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss” by Russell Friedman, Cole James, and John W. James. She gave it to me and said, “for when the time comes.”

I read it recently, interested to see if the authors offered grieving pet owners anything different than how we grieve for our humans. The answer is mainly no. This book was filled with ideas and stories related to what happens to you when grief arrives. It suggests things like writing your pet a letter to honor them, keeping some of their ashes in a piece of memorial jewelry and being sensitive to outbursts of sorrow. The advice is universal, how to handle the loss of a loved one. Whether they have two legs or four. I think the only suggestion that seemed different from child loss was the suggestion to get another pet. I have told my family, Tango cannot be replaced, so don’t try.

After Tango passed, I saw her a few times around the neighborhood. She would have noticed that Tango was not with me each time. The last time I saw her, she smiled and said gently, “I see you lost your best friend.” I nodded and we spent a moment sharing how hard it is, how we will not get over it. She asked if I read the book, she had given me. I said I had, and we compared notes. She said, “we don’t forget because the pain helps us to remember. But I hope that time aids in softening the heartache.”

Tango passed away three months ago. I have yet to put away his food bowl. I sleep with his stuffed bear who now wears Tango’s collar. I can’t come into our complex without imagining him there at the front, sniffing the flowers or wagging his tail at someone crossing the street. I have yet to stop crying. Never has a pet affected me like this before. But then, there was never a pet quite like our man-dog, Tango. Even my husband says he can still feel Tango’s paw on his foot as he cooks his lunch. A habit that was Tango’s way of begging. He would place his paw on top of your foot so you would notice him. Our dog has left a HUGE hole in our daily routine. And an even bigger hole in my heart.

I practice the basics of grief to handle the loss of my sweet dog. I am trying to find ways to honor him. The first opportunity was answering a plea on twitter from a new animal shelter I support. They said that they were looking for dog food for their ‘pets-giving’ dinner. I thought it perfect that Tango would share dinner with his fellow canines.

I promised the woman who gave me the book, I would pass it on to the next person I know who experiences the loss of their pet. The book is helpful for those who are fresh on the path of grief and filled with gentle reminders for those of us who are already living with grief.

The Autumn of Motherhood

October 15, 2023 / Mama Fish

I have two friends who have not met but recently, both experienced the loss of their mother. Their moms each had in their own way, led a full and beautiful life and my friends found themselves on the path of preparing for their mother’s departure. One couldn’t help but notice the similarities and the subtle differences of their individual experiences. And as I spent time with each friend, I found myself comparing their story to that of my mother’s.

Each mother, in her own way, was a pioneer, boldly taking on life, caring for a home, a career and raising a family. As I listened to the lives of each, I realized how much we are subconsciously tailored to be maternal. We step up and accept the role of caregiver without a thought if this is an intentional role we need to play. We just know that it is. And we accommodate, taking a leave from work to help or bringing them into our home to care for, but always putting them first. Our priority is them. And our thoughts, our plans, our personal schedules become intertwined with what does mom need today.

When a parent has had a full and long life, it would seem it should be easier to say goodbye. We experience anticipatory grief, knowing that the end is near. We use the time to reflect and share old memories, squeezing in a few new memories that we hope will comfort us after they have left. We appreciate time. It supports us to come to a place where we can say, “it’s alright to go now mom. I will be ok”. Each of my friends had that opportunity. As did I. And although it doesn’t ease the final pain loss brings, it does help build the strength it takes to let them go.

When I knew my mother was ready to leave this realm, it was just after New Year’s. She had Alzheimer’s and each day was another measure of how much she would remember. That particular day I was trying to explain to her that it was a new year. “We begin again. It is January, we have winter, and then we will have Valentine’s Day and then St. Patty’s…” She cut me off. “No,” she said, with a shake of her head, and looked straight into my eyes. I got it. I took her hand in mine and whispered, “ok, mom, give me a little time to put your wishes in order, and you can go.” She died the 29^th of January.

I know that my friends are at a loss. It has been fifteen years since my mom left and I still have days where I wish she was here to give me advice or remind me of a family member or just to sit and gripe with. She was my friend. And with my two friends, they experienced a similar relationship with their mom. They went from daughter to friend to caregiver. The circle of life for the souls of daughters.

As they pack up their mom’s belongings and finish up the paperwork, they will begin to question if their own affairs can be in better order. It might be that they feel an urge to purge, or they might want to write out their own preferences for the time that they will be leaving family and friends. It is sort of a silent gift our mother’s give us. In their departure, they continue to teach us how to be better women for those we love and serve. The beautiful life of a mother is as our seasons are. And with Autumn, comes the grace of growing old.

“To all my friends who have lost their mother; As with the other ones we love across the veil, our mothers are watching us, guiding us, a part of our cellular make up that death cannot have.”

Thanksgiving Gratitude

October 8, 2023 / Mama Fish

It was a year ago that my husband and sister sat beside me as I waited to be rolled into the operating room for a double mastectomy. I had chosen to ‘go radical’ because of my family history. I did not want the same fate as many of my aunts had. I am used to poor health, having been imposed with various autoimmune disorders which have been life changing, but this diagnosis was life threatening. Fear was a new emotion.

Recovering, I was informed that I would experience these new emotions including grief. I might have a sense of self-loss; I would need to explore options for a new normal with choices such as reconstructive surgery or prosthetics. I would mourn over who I was that I am no longer. So, I waited for these feelings to present themselves with the idea that I would treat them like I treat grief. Strangely, grief did not arrive.

I believe that when one knows, one knows. When there is an absolute truth that you hold in your soul, of an answer to a situation, problem or option, things are not as muddled. They are clear. And that clarity brings less grief because you are firm in what you believe. I had not thought about having any further surgery. Take them off and be done. I have never considered my feminism to be connected to my boobs! I found freedom in not having to ever worry again that my breast cancer would return. I found no reason to grieve but rather a relief that I had taken charge of my health and did what I felt best for me to ensure a longer life.

And after all that, the oncologist advises a 5-year medication to ensure it doesn’t come back. How could it? Apparently, it can. Not in the missing body parts of course, but other favorite hiding spots for this type of cancer are ribs, lungs, liver, brain, or bone. We must be careful, I am told. And with that, worry moved in.

Worry is grief’s cousin. It plays with your emotions and plants a garden of possibilities of what might go wrong that will bring along grief. It is hard to control and even when you put into place all things to remove worry, it finds the slightest opening in your thoughts to squeeze in and take center stage. Sometimes, it is all consuming, like when I am awakened with contorting muscle cramps in my legs, or a new lump found along my scars. Other times it is forgotten, like when I am spending time with my daughter or immersed in a Hallmark Movie. Big or small, worry is there, in the corner of my mind, waiting to come forward.

This last year has been a battle of mind over matters which has me practicing the small things I have control over, like meditation and gratitude. I have learned to treat worry like I treat grief. Sit with it when it appears and reassure it, we are going to be ok. Today, Thanksgiving arrives, marking the anniversary of my journey with cancer.

Last year I missed out on the festivities, having to stay home to recover. This year I am joining my family to delight in the tastes of the holiday. In our house at Thanksgiving, it is tradition to say what we are most grateful for over the past year. I am grateful for many things. But without a doubt, for me this year, I am most grateful that I have survived breast cancer.

When Sadness is Doubled

October 1, 2023 / Mama Fish

I woke up tired. There is a lot going on with a wedding to be planned, family in town, work deadlines to be reached and a house that needs attention. I wished I could stay in bed. And then I remembered it was the anniversary of my friends’ son’s death. And a milestone. Five years. Worse, it was the first year without his wife. There was no choice. I needed to go.

It was a wet, rainy, cold morning as we pulled up to the site of his son’s crash. As their tradition has it, there were roses to be tied around the lamp post and a rock, spray painted blue with a note of endearment printed on it to place in the grass. His stepdaughter, replacing the role of her mother, helped him tie the ribbon, securing the roses. I watched them work together, taking their picture so she could have one to include with her sentiments she would post on social media.

I wasn’t aware that this year would hit me harder. It had with Zane, so I think my soul knew how hard this must be on them to have the haunting ‘5-year mark’ come. And to come without the support of their loving wife and mother. I felt the tears come and walked away to compose myself so that I could be strong for them.

Later that same day, we all met as a larger group at their favorite watering hole to celebrate. This year there were two pictures on the table. The group hugged and toasted mother and son. More stories of the summer, of the past, of life in general were shared. I commented how strange it was, that although I never met their son, I felt that I knew him. Sharing the life and the loves of your child over five years makes one feel like you knew them on earth. And thus, maybe why their death touches a little deeper as time goes on.

I overheard my friend and his stepdaughter talk of how small their family has become and how much each other is needed in the others life. And I smiled to myself. Over death, the two seem to be becoming even closer. My girlfriend would love this.

Being a part of today, I witnessed the pain of loss doubled and the strength found in facing it together. I was a part of the traditions that we create to remember and honor our loved ones. There is nothing more holistic than the moments we stand still, in the rain and look up to the heavens to whisper, I love you, I miss you, I know you are still with me.

The Importance of Sanctuary

September 24, 2023 / Mama Fish

Over the past year, I have experienced the value of solitude. An accumulation of my grief, my anger, and my cancer brought to the forefront the question, how am I to ever live wholly, and thus began my quest for sanctuary.

I called it a modified sabbatical. In planning how this would be for me, Tango was still here, and I did not want to leave him or my family and friends. I would still have to work. I hate to travel, so the magical trails in Spain or the coastal beaches of Mexico were not options.

I researched, prior to starting, the components of a good sabbatical and learned that having the support of your immediate family deepens the experience by removing the guilt of spending time alone. They don’t necessarily need to approve, but they need to respect your space. I am grateful that mine came on board in full agreement. A sign that love sits above all else.

The length of a sabbatical can vary. I chose a year, starting after my surgery as I wanted my heart to be consoled as well as my physical body as I recuperated from a double mastectomy. Although I had some periods of time where my sabbatical seemed to get lost in the business of life, I did manage to find sanctuary in the days I made my sabbatical a priority.

Your place of sanctuary can be just a room or a home or carved out time in your car; what is important I learned is what you fill it with to appease your soul. Candles, pictures, furniture, plants, decorations, what brings your soul joy? Your space must be filled with items that bring you a feeling of peace. Of connection. I chose to fill mine with everything my ancestors left behind and each time I enter I feel their presence. It shifts my mood immediately to a higher vibration. I am amongst those who loved me and still watch over me from above.

The key component of any sabbatical is intent. Set your intent. My intent was to heal. This included meditations, massages, journalling, indulging in a great wine or a Hendricks Gin and trying new recipes with fresh ingredients from the farmer’s market. I read, completed jigsaw puzzles, and took long walks in beautiful parks. Yes, I did still work, and my social life was stuffed full, but the moments I had in my sanctuary brought balance to the crazy reality of mine.

As my sabbatical ends, I reflect on this year that passed so very quickly. In the beginning my journal reflects frustration with how slow I am healing and how much there is to do. As my writing continues to capture my progress, I noticed that frustration became less, and gratitude became more. Even with as many struggles as our family has endured; I found that creating a sanctuary brought strength for me. It brought clarity of what I can control and what I am feeling that I have ignored for a very long time. I feel like I am on the right path to healing. This experience has encouraged me to continue placing solitude on the top of my priority list. Through my sabbatical, I have discovered the importance of a sanctuary. It is time and place that the body needs to be able to hear the soul speak.

The Art of Ceremonial Purging

September 17, 2023 / Mama Fish

The gentle, or not so gentle, pushing of time has me looking at the personal belongings of my past, including Zane’s items. It has come time to hold them and decide if their future finds a place in my home or just in my heart. It is not easy, and I have been gentle with this process, taking me almost a full year to sort through decades of personal and family memories.

I began with my childhood report cards my mother kept for me. That was an easy one. Chuck. I read my old diaries laughing at what was so important to me as a teen and my choice of boyfriends. A couple of sentiments I wrote down and some things I shared with the people they were about, like a friend who I was jealous of when a childhood boyfriend liked her better. We both chuckled at the truth that here we are, great friends and where was the boy? As I purged, I found that it got harder to decide whether to throw out or keep as the years came closer to the present time.

This can work for any item you are considering, what should I do with this. Some mementos were easy to say goodbye to. Extra photos, old birthday cards, anniversary cards, done. The kids baby calendars, I took and typed out in a word document all the milestones, giving me a paperless record of their growth. I took pictures of the kids’ artwork, so I have a collage of all their drawings.

Some of the piles took longer, like Zane’s things. His belongings were the hardest. And to be honest, most of them I couldn’t depart with. I did consolidate some things. I did find new homes for other things, thanks to his friends. And a quilt of his favorite t-shirts will be made in the future.

With each pile, I reflected and basked in the memory. I experienced laughter remembering some aha moments and there were a copious number of tears. With the items that I decided could not continue travelling with me, I created a process I call ceremonial purging.

With each group of items that I went through, the things I was to throw away I put into one pile. When I was finished with that group, I took the ‘garbage pile’ and spoke to it. I thanked it for being a part of my life, for giving me lessons and leaving memories behind because of it. I acknowledged that the items making this pile included teachings that were part of my life and who I am today. And then I would lovingly pick it up and kiss the top of the pile. And without putting it down, I would walk, ceremoniously with good thoughts to the garbage bin. There, I would give thanks one more time for all it brought me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And then with a dramatic pitch I would throw the pile into the bin with an AMEN. And I would turn and not look back.

Strange? Maybe. But this ceremony, the disposing of things that at one time were so important to keep, helps let them go. It honors what the items symbolize; my life and the people in it and the gratitude of the blessings that accompanied such. I feel lighter knowing that the inanimate keepsakes of the past have been loved and sent to the bin with appreciation and that the things still here have a new home of honor.

Too Busy To Grieve

September 10, 2023 / Mama Fish

Our family has experienced eight deaths in less than five months. I have spent the entire spring and summer in hospitals or hospices, travelling to help plan and attend the celebrations of life for each. This was on top of my regular work, the planning of our daughter’s upcoming wedding and our annual gathering of Zane’s Death-Day. Summer is always tough, this year it was brutal.

I have been far too busy with life ‘as is’ to recognize or experience the anticipatory grief that accommodates four of the deaths during this time or the shock of sudden death of the other four loved ones. Our family seems numb. And no wonder, we have been handed a lot and we have dealt with it as best we can. It is no surprise that we have not been feeling quite like ourselves lately. Grief, waiting impatiently to come through has brought emotional outbursts and physical pain to varying degrees and never in unison to combat them effectively. We continue to soldier on…

No one tells you when loss will come to your door. Or how. Or why. Each loss brings with it, its own personality. Its own baggage that you must unpack and sort out. Each one takes time, and nothing is linear.

Experiencing multiple deaths at the same time or relatively close together exaggerates the single components of grief. The shock, the disbelief is totally numbing. I have to remind myself, “yes, they are gone. It’s true.” The exertion of energy required to plan how to best honor the loved ones wishes gets confused between each of the deaths. “Was it this one or that one whose favorite color was blue?” Why can’t I remember! The brain fog of multiple deaths is more like a thick swallowing quicksand than a mere memory lapse.

It was my herbalist that unknowingly clarified for me what was happening to my health. She sent a message that said, “you have had so much to deal with, there has been no time to grieve”. Her words, an expression of compassion hit me like a slap in the face. Yes, I am doing too much. Self care is the first thing to be dropped when one is too busy. It is easy to overlook the ‘slow down’ signs as we continue to push on. I had disregarded what grief does when ignored.

The first cardinal rule of grief is, give it the space it demands. Follow its lead. I’ve been pulled from one death to the next allowing NO time for grief. So, it sits within and festers. It does not care of the many excuses and justifications I give as to why I am not facing my grief. It does not care how hectic I am or how much there is to do. I read her message again, “…too busy…” One can not be too busy for grief.

I took out the calendar. Five months, eight deaths. This is purpose to stop, to take an extra moment to sit in silence, to honor the ones that have just departed. It is what the soul requires to stay grounded. I must minimize the everyday tasks; they can wait for my sadness to be addressed and held. Each loved one I have lost deserves their own moment of remembrance. Each deserves thought as to how I will honor them. Each deserves their own share of my heart. And my tears. One by one. I can create a life that gives each of them their own spot to live on, with me and, within me, as I continue my journey. I can give them admiration only if I am not too busy. They deserve the respect of my grief.

The Little Wagon That Stayed

September 3, 2023 / Mama Fish

The news of the Kelowna fires hit home when my girlfriend shared the video of what remained of her house. Nothing. Everything she had worked for went up in flames and melted into a pile of ashes. Even the boat was destroyed. The only thing that survived was the stone chimney. And poignantly a metal wagon she used to carry wood and such around the lot. There appeared to be no rhyme or reason as to why the fire took certain things and left others untouched.

Of course, my friend is devastated. We talked about the lack of time to save anything. How her mother’s paintings were inside and her other sentimental pieces that are no longer here. She talked about how they were safe until they were not and rushed away watching the fires leap across the road to their area. She talked about her hope that some miracle would stop the fire from taking all that she loved. We cried and she started to assure me that my grief was greater; no one was hurt or killed in her situation, and I stopped her there. Grief is grief. Loss is loss. Something did die; her beloved possessions and her home that contained decades of memories and happy times with family and friends. This is loss. Great loss.

With all the losses I have in my life, I have come to realize that each person holds their losses relative to the relationship they had with that person, place, animal, or thing. The depths of love and the pain of grief are the common denominator amongst those who mourn. What or whom you are grieving is a personal detail. I could feel the angst and the anger within my friend as the reality of what had just happened was hitting her. “I will never go back”, she said.

That statement reminded me of my first moments after Zane was killed. “It will never be ok”, I said. I understood what my friend meant by her statement. There is no going back. What she had built over the years in that home, the contents both physical and emotional died with the raging fire. To go back is not possible. It will never be the same and that is not ok. I hugged her. It was not the time to say that she may change her mind and that maybe there will come a day that she has less anger and more strength and might want to rebuild. But not today.

I focused on the irony of the little wagon that survived. It shouldn’t have. And yet it did. Why? A wagon, its purpose is to be filled with things needed or wanted to move from one point to another. It can be used as a tool to take a child or pet for a ride. Its wheels ready to roll in whatever direction you want to go. Small and compact, open aired, a favorite piece of most childhoods. Perhaps it survived as a symbolic gesture for my friend. The Universe gently whispering that there is space for love and hope to help her move away from this terrible disaster to a place where new beginnings await. I think the little wagon might represent tomorrow.

When grief is so fresh, we can miss signs that assure us we will survive. Naturally we are not ok. We can’t see or think or feel past the gut-wrenching despair inexplainable grief brings. That is where my friend is standing right now. I ache for her, knowing that spot all too well. So, for the moment, I will be her eyes to see hope and symbolic concepts that quietly suggest she has not been abandoned by some evil twist of nature but rather held by a universal compassion that understands she is not ok. Healing can wait until she is ready to pack up her little wagon and move onward.

My Brother, Wandering but Not Lost

August 27, 2023 / Mama Fish

The relationship I had with my brother was complicated. I met Wayne when we were adults. He was my father’s son who we connected with through the result of my sister’s search to find him. He was living in BC with his wife and two sons. My sister sent him a letter asking if he knew we existed and if he was interested in meeting us. He jumped at the chance, moving his family to Calgary to get to know us, and his father. I went from being the oldest of two to the middle of three.

My brother was a typical big brother. He watched out for my best interests, he was protective, he gave lots of ‘brotherly’ advice. We drank too much together, hung out together, shared dreams and goals and were there for each other. Somehow, I felt he would always be there for me. A thing I took for granted.

So, when he fell to depression and struggled to live with chronic pain, I became the sibling who cared for him. Our roles switched to me watching out for him, connecting him to medical and financial resources, worrying about where he would live, how he would manage. It was stressful to see him change from my big brother to a man who spent more time hiding inside than being outside in the big wild forests he once managed. I became quick tempered with him and focused on his short comings and threw many pity parties as to why I had to take care of him. The truth is I didn’t have to. But I did.

When I received the call that my brother had died in his sleep, I set out to do what I have been doing for him for decades. I took care of him. I set up the family, planned the funeral and made the appointment for his ashes to be made into memorial jewelry at his loved one’s request. Only when I was driving the long trip back home from his place, did I start to understand what just happened.

My brother is gone. His physical body only ashes, his legacy unwritten. His loved one’s left comprehending the how and the what now. Complicated relationships bring complicated grief. We are left to feel something when sometimes there is nothing to feel. Or we feel something more than we thought we would. Grief can include guilt, remorse, and regrets. Complicated grief gives an ugly depth to these feelings.

What I didn’t think of was the why he and I were in these strange roles. What were the lessons we were to learn through this experience? When we are going through something that is hard or unpleasant, why do we race to find a way out rather than sitting quietly to understand the purpose of the hardship. I guess because easy is more comfortable.

If we could face our complicated relationships with more kindness and less complaints, perhaps they would not be as complicated. What are the lessons to be learned through such experiences? The truth is my brother loved each of us to the best of his capacity. He was there for us, as much as he could be. He created a life such that the last years he did find some joy. What I didn’t see then was that I was the lucky one to be able to care for him, to return the love I know he felt for me.

With that understanding the tears arrived and I thought of all the things I could have, should have done. His death, another reminder for me that we are all here together for just a very short time. The roles we play in each other’s life should not be criticized but rather celebrated as part of our souls’ learnings.

It appears, our family soul plan included a brother who came into our lives later with gratitude and hope. He left the same way. His last texts to me were of how much he would like to have done for me, for my pain. How he wished he could have saved me from it. An honorable desire that expressed how he truly did want me to be happy. How can I ask for more than what he could give? And what he gave was love. His version, his way, but still love and that can’t be ignored.

Wayne, thank you for loving me. Send messages, my sweet brother, of how we can remember and honor the life you shared with us. And may you enjoy riding horses in the fields of heaven.