Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #graduation

Strength Arrives When Needed

May 29, 2022 /

I had a conversation this week with a mom whose youngest son is graduating from high school. She reminded me of all the things a mother does to ensure that this day is one he will celebrate and think fondly of for years to come. It is a ‘duty’ that most of us go through. The challenge she has is that her oldest son didn’t get this chance. He died before he graduated.

Her son wishes to include his brother in his graduation as much as one can incorporate one from the other side. And thus, the shoes, the outfit, the plans his brother had for his own, the younger son now wants to have. This is good mourning for him. And his mother gets it.  So, with every task, every detail, she plans and creates with her son.  There is a smile on her face and a let’s do this attitude that her son needs. However, inside, she is screaming so loud her head pounds. The pain of having to face and recreate what her oldest wanted, should have had, penetrates with every breath. This is when strength is needed.

Grieving requires strength.  You are straddled between two places. You are here, on earth, a life with responsibilities, the people who count on you, but you are also on the other side. The place where your loved one has gone to, and with them a piece of you has gone too.  We are to focus; we are expected to continue to be the adult, the caregiver. And we must, it is our role. Parenting, while grieving, requires extra strength.

There are many times that your grief must be ignored, must be put on the shelf, for the sake of your other children. You tell yourself that you will go on for the other kids. You tell yourself that they need you.  And they do.  They REALLY do. But they will need you when you think you can’t possibly get out of bed. They will need you when you want to be alone. They will need you to help them mourn, even if their way is not the best way for you.

Strength in grief is what gives us the power to see each day with hope. It enables us to help our children mourn. This type of strength comes from the parental need to protect and provide for our children. It comes from deep within our soul. It comes from our heart, the love for our precious family. It comes when needed, giving us the energy to be there for those we love. 

Graduation day will come.  It will be beautiful; full of rituals and tokens that bond two brothers for eternity. And mom, after all this, she can take a walk into the fields of her back yard, thanking God as she cries, for strength when it is needed.

When Graduation is Taken Away

June 6, 2021 /

Last year, and again this year, high school graduation is different.  Mothers rant about how their child is ‘ripped off’ of a graduation that was to be a gathering of classmates and friends to celebrate.  This grates on the nerves of some fellow grief warriors; the retort is at least their child is here to graduate. Death robbed us of this. 

Zane took University in stride.  He wanted to ensure he had a life balance so planned his courses accordingly stretching a 4 year degree into 7. He purposely chose to have all his favorite electives completed in the last year to finish with a slow and enjoyable end.  He was to graduate in June of 2019. He was killed in August of 2018.

It was the first action I took in honor of my son. He was just a few electives short of getting his degree.  A letter came from the President of the University that included his condolences and recognizing that our son was on the Dean’s list for his efforts.  He mentioned a posthumous degree and included the name of the staff member that could give me more information.  I called her right away. 

It was no easy feat; in fact it took months of trips to Court and the University to make this happen.  I was relentless and would not give up which included a meltdown in the Court bathroom (after application rejection number two) and the support of Nicole, the University staff member who pulled me back on to the ledge several times with extended deadlines and reassuring phone calls.  She was one of my Angels.

In the end, I gave the honor of crossing the stage to my husband.  It was a Father’s Day gift. Our family sat front row, watching Jon step onto the stage and shake hands, and accept Zane’s degree. We took pictures there of us and of Ryan, his friend and study-buddy; they were supposed to graduate together.  And in a sense they did. Then we came home to share a quiet, reflective drink in my boys’ honor.

So, I get the frustration of any graduate who is entitled but can’t be in a collective group and shout to the heavens “we did it”.  Graduation is a rite of passage that was earned from years of stress, late nights and hard work. How we envision it should be and how sometimes it actually is can be sad.  It can be downright heart-wrenching.  This is the only time that this graduation will happen and the graduates are robbed of it due to something out of their control. It is a loss.

This understanding brings a bit of compassion for the mothers who share on social media the angst of their child not being able to celebrate in a fashion they had expected. They are reacting to loss. And as one mother who has experienced the biggest loss of all, oh, how I get it.

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