Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #honoring

Experiences Through Surrender- Part One

July 14, 2024 /

The Angel card I picked out of the pile was ‘surrender’. It was the mantra given to me as to how to enjoy our trip east to visit family with my grief, my health and my fear of flying. I had not been back in nine years, and I had a bucket list of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to see. I held onto the word surrender for strength the whole week and through that experienced a beautiful collection of moments that I will cherish for always. One of them was Eileen.

We were invited to her backyard for an afternoon of cocktails and a dip in the pool. Pulling up to her home, we found her outside in her front garden. I was introduced to her, and the group walked to the back to settle in.  As we came around the house, in front of us lay these vast grounds, filled with flowers, trees, shrubs and a winding path taking you deep into the back where a conversational seating nestled under a shady tree. There was something about this space; it took your breath away. I was drawn into its energy. I asked Eileen if she could tour me through this quiet haven, so arm in arm, we left the group to venture into her garden.

Her yard is filled with ornaments and gorgeous blooming plants, each with a story behind it. Some represented a loved one who had passed, some represented childhood favorites or symbolized wishes. Her yard is a collection of sixty years of honoring, remembering and celebrating those who she has travelled the path of life with.

We rested at the table under the tree. Her son brought us a cold drink. As he left, she turned to me and said, “this is the place my husband and I would have our afternoon drink”. It all made sense. This was her space to connect to the spiritual energy of those she loves. And the energy was thick. It was a peaceful pull at the heart, a frozen moment in time where souls shared stories of love and of loss.  We were not alone. I could feel those we spoke of, laugh with us.

In grief, we talk about planting a tree in remembrance as one way to honor our loved one. That afternoon I experienced a yard full of such honor. Her ability to take each life experience and cultivate a space that holds the love and the memories of such is a tribute to the character of her heart.

As I took one last walk before we left that day, snapping pictures of each story, I was filled with inspiration. Eileen’s garden is a lesson in how we can take grief and turn it into something full of life, connection, and healing. Her yard is a testament to love never dies.

Celebrating You for 31 Years

August 14, 2022 /

Yesterday we gathered in our daughter’s back yard with family and friends to celebrate Zane’s 31st birthday. I found it hard to smile and celebrate a ‘happy’ birthday to a situation that is anything but happy. Then I read somewhere that birthdays are a way to celebrate the number of years that this person has been. Period.  Their birth brought their soul here in a physical form. Death removes only the body. Their soul is still alive and well. It is the soul we celebrate. I liked this advice. Zane was killed at 26 but his soul has been with us now for 31 years. 

So, every year I create something that celebrates Zane, a simple activity that his friends can do to help honor his spirit. The first year we handed out pay-it-forward cards, asking his friends to buy a stranger a drink and give the card to the recipient so they knew why they had received a free drink.  The second year we wrote wishes on ribbons and tied them to the tree that Zane had planted when he was in grade three. The third year was Zane’s 30th birthday and we had a bingo game made, each square listing an activity that Zane enjoyed, challenging his friends to complete the 30 squares over the year for Zane. This year with many of his friends now traveling for a holiday or a destination wedding, we bought luggage tags with a picture of Zane, asking them to take “Zane along on their adventures” and send us back a picture, postcard, or sticker. I plan to make a collage of all the places Zane travels in spirit with his family and friends.

In the grief community, honoring is essential to good mourning. It is the way we continue a relationship with our loved ones. It is how we pay respect to their life here on earth. It is how we remember. Sharing these celebratory acts with friends, asking them to be a part of how you honor your loved one, enables us all to feel linked together.

Birthdays are supposed to be personal.  We are celebrating a specific person on that day, thus finding ways to honor them that reflects their personality, their hobbies, or desires before they departed is an important way to commemorate them.

Birthdays are difficult, but every day is difficult, so I encourage you to take your loved one’s birthday as a day to smile through the tears and bring what they enjoyed in this life into your life. And to share it. Celebrate who they were, are, and will always be.

The Tipping Point of Grief

November 28, 2021 /

With the donations that my work received, in honor of Zane, we agreed to create a community project that would benefit youth. We chose mindful photography because of Zane’s passion for taking pictures and how he believed that getting behind the camera reduces anxiety and improves mental health. There were many people along the way that made this happen starting with a close friend who creatively named our course #zaneography and single handily arranged all the pieces to make it happen.  Last week I attended the wrap up of the first class.  I was not prepared.

I sat on the sidelines watching the beautiful, skilled facilitator talk about the pictures that the youth had taken. Her words were kind and motivating, capturing the blossoming talent of each participant. She had printed their work on a black background and had them hanging on the wall. The participants showed pride and commented on how they enjoyed this experience and how they want to continue shooting pictures. Oh, how my son would enjoy hearing this.  And perhaps that was the tipping point of my grief burst.

As the youth chatted over pizza, I stood up and went over to take a closer look at the pictures.  They all told a story, illustrating the lessons of using dark and light that they had learned. One photo, taken by a youth that I felt had a similar energy to Zane, took a silhouette picture of himself under a lamp pole. It captured the light and mood perfectly and it reminded me of pictures Zane had taken of himself under a streetlight at a construction site.  And perhaps that was the tipping point of my grief burst.

I said my goodbyes and the facilitator hugged me. As I held her, I thanked her for her very large and important part in making this happen and I realized just how this desire to honor my son was something that I had not been sure would ever happen.  And perhaps that was the tipping point of my grief burst.

I left, barely getting to my car before the tears came. Sitting in my car, sobbing, the pain of my son not being here to take more photos, to enjoy another adventure of finding the perfect subject, the perfect light to capture a moment. Oh, how he loved photography.  How the camera soothed his soul and excited him to find new ways to look at life. I sat crying and shouting to God where was his justice until I was hoarse.

We are taught to honor our children.  We are told that good mourning is about finding ways to continue to do what they loved. We are told of the importance to share their passions with others; to remember them through the sharing of what they enjoyed in life. What they didn’t tell us, or what I seemed to have missed, is the pain that comes with this. The sharing, experiencing first-hand what they loved without their physical presence is the tipping point of grief bursts.

The ‘bitter-sweet’ they call it; happy to see it happen but sad that your child is not a part of it. That part.  It has a cutting edge to it that does not comfort you but rather slices you open to reveal the pain and injustice of your life. It is raw. It is painful. And yet, would I change it?  No. Because the other thing we grief warriors have learned is that the pain of grief only equals the love we have.  And for Zane, there is a whole lot of love.

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