If this year has taught me one thing, it is to get your estate in order. I have watched and experienced the drama of having last wishes incomplete and the bedside requests of those dying ignored by those who are grieving. I have also experienced firsthand how difficult it is to honor those wishes and expectations when the dying have left their desires to chance by not having all the details clearly outlined.

I was enjoying a wine with a girlfriend and sharing the troubles and minor details that we are experiencing in helping execute our friends last wishes. I asked her who was the executor of her will.  It is her sons. With us, we wish our daughter to be. And so, I shared with her what I am learning that needs to be put into place to make certain that if your child is grieving the loss of their parent, the role of executor does not become a daunting task that can complicate their grieving process. Let’s spare them that.

If you have had a previous marriage, keep a record of when you were married, when your divorce was finalized and the names, birthdays, and place of birth for each child you had within that marriage. I knew my friends had previous spouses…did I ever care when they were married and divorced? Why would I? But now, I must know to proceed with the completing of their will.

What are the credit cards, and the amount owing.  None of my business!  Oh, but it is. Each credit card must be submitted with a final balance. How many air miles did any of them have? Why, I thought.  They don’t need air miles to fly about now, they have angel wings! What were any outstanding loans? What were their investments? Were they joint, what type of account was it? Who do you call to close these accounts? And what the heck are their passwords? Nothing opens, even the phone, without a password.

What about their home? What expenses need to stay in place while we prepare the house for sale on their behalf? Who pays that? Did you know that certain expenses are permitted to be paid through the estate but renovations to upgrade are not? Where do their belongings go and how do you decide when more than one claims it was to be theirs? How do you be fair to the living while honoring the trust that you have been given to do the right thing. We continue to learn.

These technicalities are part of death.  They are the task list you delegate to someone to do on your behalf as part of your exit plan from this realm. I have come to realize that it is one of the most important things everyone, regardless of age, or health, needs to do to confirm that their wishes will be carried out and with minimum stress to the person with the task of doing such.

Thank God our friends had shared most of the needed information with us before they left. Even with that, we have had a few surprises and some detective work still to do. I said to my husband, “can you imagine our daughter having to figure this out during the bleakest time of her life?” The sheer thought of putting that responsibility on her has me screaming.

This has encouraged me to update our wills and attach a list of things she will need to know. And I have made her a promise that I will update it yearly so that if she needs to execute my last wishes, she will have all the answers. And I will have it so ironclad tight that there will be no room for misunderstandings. This might be my biggest gift to her. And I hope I don’t have to give it to her for decades.