Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #lifelessons

Moving Into The 60’s

April 23, 2023 /

My 50’s brought with them the promise of becoming more of my own. The children were older, the husband was working at a job he enjoyed, and I was discovering that I belonged on the totem pole; self-care was not an option but rather a healthy lifestyle for me. It came with a celebration, Hawaii style and 50 different bottles of wine to enjoy. It came with the desire to travel and see family more often and to hang out with friends.  It came with the expectation that I was at a point where I could enjoy life more.  It delivered some of that. But the things that my attention focused on were none of those gifts. My 50’s became a battlefield. 

Of course, there were happy times and cause for celebration. Yet, my vivid memories of this era are a myriad of health issues, big struggles, major changes that I did not want or ask for and left me in the middle coping with the loss of my son. It ended with the loss of more family and friends. It ended with me battling breast cancer. My 50’s became very dark for me.

As I approached this golden year, I was told by someone special that I have created a culture of a bleak, whoa-is-me, an attitude that is anything but fun and bright as I am described to be.  Ouch. And yet, so very true. I wake with the desire to enjoy my life, but go to bed totally frustrated and exhausted, and I repeat this every day like a bad Groundhog Day movie vibe.

So how do I greet 60? How do I expect anything different or better? We are all getting older. Health challenges will be a sure thing. I am going into a new year, a new decade, without Zane’s physical being. I am only sure of one thing; I don’t want a repeat of my 50’s. I need an attitude adjustment. And where are those for sale?

Agreed that change is my only salvation, I started my 60th morning in Canmore, running into my sister’s room, jumping on her bed, and yelling like an excited 6-year-old, “It’s my birthday!”  I then poured coffee and indulged in a second cup with extra cream. I texted my husband to say, “you pick the place to celebrate my birthday dinner at. Here are my choices.  Surprise me!” Then, after my sister left, I did a little work, closed the books, and poured myself a glass of wine, enjoying the silence and listening to the magic of the mountains, alongside my son’s spirit.

The evening was splendid. Hubby, daughter, and dog came to join me, and the restaurant Jon chose exceeded our expectations. Day one, done and it was blissful. I know each new day will not be as peaceful or as happy as this day was. However, I consciously brought into the day things I enjoy and tried not to control every detail.  This combo delivered a day of gratitude. 

I am going to bring this practice into my new year. I am going to insist on a better balance of work and play and solitude. I am going to spend more time with those I love in environments that suit me; planning events that are fun for me.  Maybe, if we fill our life with things we can look forward to, perhaps they will balance the inevitable things we don’t like.  Next week I am off to Edmonton to see Matt Fraser, medium extraordinaire and just maybe Zane will be there!  My 60’s are looking up! 

Goodbye Ellen and Thank You

May 22, 2022 /

My husband informed me that the Ellen DeGeneres show is over. I knew this was her last season, but I could not bring myself to accept this. Not because I watched her show. But because Zane had. He loved her show. And her show ending will become one more connection to my son that will be forever gone.

When you are grieving, all losses become big losses. Grief warriors are forever sensitive to anything or anyone else leaving. The loss of a person or a sentimental object or even a habit can bring us back to the center of our grief and the intensity of our pain. We are left to face it, examine it, and find a place for it within our broken hearts.

Knowing that Zane enjoyed the Ellen show and that he would be sad it was over, regardless of any accusations as to why, I felt compelled to write to her. I needed her to know how much, as his mother, I appreciated what she had unknowingly done for him.

Dear Ellen,

I am not sure that this letter will find you amongst the millions of fan mail you receive but I needed to thank you for the joy you brought my son. Up to the day he was killed, Zane watched your show. It gave him a reprieve from the stresses of work and school studies. The hour spent with you was more therapeutic than entertaining. I would be in the kitchen, the sounds of his laughter filling the air. “Mom, listen to this…” he’d say to tune me into the piece of wisdom of the day you spoke of. He enjoyed you because you are real. You are not afraid to be yourself. You promote kindness and try to walk your talk. Genuine. That is what Zane loved about your show.  He felt as if he was spending time with a fellow spirit whose lightwork on this earth was of the same cloth. You inspired him to face the day, deal with the negative and find happiness in all things.

Your show ending plays with my grief. It is one more thing that will be gone that reminds me of my boy and the joy he found in this life. It is why the urge to write to you.  On his behalf, thank you for bringing the sunshine to so many gray skies. Thank you for being the one responsible for the enjoyment my son experienced through your show, the sound of his laughter as he listened to you, forever imbedded in my heart.

Were you aware of the influence you had on people like my son?  Were you aware that some days you were written in the gratitude journal of what enabled him to make it through the day? Of course not. This is why we, your fans, love you so much. You offered us strength. You connected us to optimism. You showed us how to dance through life’s challenges and to always be kind. You connected us to a higher calling. Thank you.

I look forward to watching the reruns!

I don’t think Ellen will ever see this letter. I am not sure that is important. What is important is that I have faced my sadness and honored my son by writing to a woman who he was a fan of.  And that is good mourning.

Finding Joy this Holiday Season

November 14, 2021 /

Every year I try to be ready for the holiday season so that when it arrives, I can enjoy it. It is a perennial battle that I have yet to win. This year, for some reason, I have higher hopes it might work.  It might be because it is our first Christmas in our little home. I must scale back including no fresh tall tree…it gives me permission to shake things up. And perhaps with small edits to our family traditions, I can find some joy this holiday.

I remember Zane teaching me about the difference between joy and happiness.  He said happiness is fleeting.  It is a quick moment in time you feel elated because of something or someone. Joy is eternal. Joy is a deeper, quieter, peaceful feeling of contentment.  It is the emotion one should seek.

Once, when I told him about doing something I wasn’t happy to do but that I had completed it and had done a great job, he smiled.  He said, “but mom, you did not do it with joy”.   If I had, the experience would have been so much more.  How did my son get to be so wise? These were the type of lessons he taught. I must remember this one; that joy is found in everyday, simple things.

What I hope he does know, is the joy he brought me.  I wrote to Zane.

“…How much joy I have had in raising you, sharing life with you, watching you morph into this beautiful, caring empath.  Oh, the joy you brought me.  The laughter. The insights to life. The love. My soul is filled with the love you shared with me. I have enough hugs and kisses from you that will sustain me while I live here on earth. I was looking for more joy and the truth was, with you, I had enough.”

As we prepare for the holidays, and even beyond the holidays, let us try to remember that there is joy even in grief. We can find that soft feeling joy brings in the memories of times spent with those we love. We can feel our hearts warm to the recalling of conversations and adventures we had with our loved ones. And the joy that these thoughts bring us, will always belong to us.  Even when our loved ones are not physically here, they will always be our joyful memories. May that awareness help ease your grief.

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