Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #mindfulness

Mindfulness and the Empty Chair

November 27, 2022 /

We recently celebrated American Thanksgiving.  I always enjoy it more as it has a tone of a quieter enjoyable holiday, compared to the Canadian Thanksgiving and the upcoming holiday season that brings with it all the commercial hoopla. American Thanksgiving contained no fuss. We shared KFC and M&M’s buffet with our daughter and friends. We toasted to things we can be grateful for and shared wishes for things to come. All in all, I did not feel the typical intensity of grief that accompanies traditional celebrations. 

That does not mean our pain is any less.  In fact, currently both emotional and physical pain are at an extreme. And there is always the empty chair; the place that Zane should be at. Yet, that night, there seemed to be a sense of calm as if grief had chosen to sit in the corner and leave us alone for a bit.  Even the empty chair didn’t seem as empty. I pondered why.

I am not sure how to explain it, but it was like we paused life that night. We had no expectations.  There was no pressure about making this holiday dinner all things we think it needs to be. We were in the moment, together. We were a group that shares sorrow and joy. We talked about our boys, not in past tense but in how they fill our life, still. The attitude was like the boys were there, sitting in their chairs, joining in the conversation. This brought an air of peace.

I wonder how we can repeat this with the upcoming holidays. We know that the holidays make grief bigger. We know the empty chair at the table shouts this is not right. Grief warriors hate the holidays.  And for good reason.  Yet, the holidays are always going to come around and I don’t want to be the emotional mess every time.  I don’t want my daughter to be the emotional mess every time.  Can this not be fixed. Can we do something to fill the empty chair.

Mindfulness is about being in the now. Not reliving the past, nor fretting about the future.  When we practice mindfulness, our anxiety is reduced. Our breathing becomes deeper. Our focus centers around what is happening right there; what you have created is experienced. Our Thanksgiving dinner was a combination of no pressure, good food and drink and all of us being there in spirit. We did not talk about the upcoming what ifs. We did not reminisce about the level of how much we miss our boys. We sat, in the present moment. We were subconsciously mindful.

Grief is a part of our lives. Perhaps we can practice mindfulness during the holidays to help ease the pain that these times bring. We will always miss our loved ones. We will never forget what has happened, our reality. But if we can try to create moments that are filled with what brings us peace and then sit still in those moments, perhaps this practice can bring us closer to truly feeling our loved ones in the chair beside us. And if that can be the feeling, then the chair is not as empty.  

Heavenly Pen Pals

July 10, 2022 /

Most of us have tried journaling or writing to a loved one who no longer lives on earth. It is therapeutic. It helps us remember things that were and shares on paper what we wish had been. Recently, I signed up for a course to move journaling to a new level. It is called automatic writing.

Automatic writing is about connecting to your higher power, whatever you wish to call that. It is designed to open your subconscious mind to receive messages.  It is a mindful practice done either early morning or late at night, after a deep meditation.  It begins with a gratitude prayer, thanking your higher power for surrounding you with love, light, and protection. There are questions to ask, and, in your relaxed state, you begin writing the answers. You do not think of the answers, there is no pondering, you just write.

Sometimes, nothing comes to mind, and you write, “I don’t know what to write” and you write it over and over. With practice, you begin to write deep insights of who you are, what you need and what is your current purpose. The mystery of this type of writing is that your answers may be influenced by ‘angels’ whose energy comes through pen to paper. Because you are writing, without thinking, it isn’t until you finish and read what was written that you start to see messages that may sound like a loved one holding a conversation with you.  This is a tricky concept to grasp; the dead coming to talk to us through writing? It is profound.

The course is a 21-day course, which I have another week to finish. When I reflect on my writings, from first day to now, I see a change.  How I describe myself is different. What I write has a theme running through it. In this course, I have discovered or maybe it has just confirmed what I already knew. I feel stuck, I feel anxious, I lack direction.  All things very typical with grief. Through automatic writing I have been able to focus on this, asking and writing about why I feel this way, how do I move forward. My writing brings ideas I had not thought of and insights that give me hope. Some of my writings seem to be advice from my loved ones, including Zane. 

“Mama, you must take care of what is your role. You want, need this.  You know-you need to bring you new ways to be you. You don’t get it but trust it. You know in your soul, this is right… You da best.”

I am not sure how the magic works, if it is wishful writing or a spiritual conduit, and I don’t care. What I have discovered with this course is a new way to explore both sides of the realm and to uncover who I might be as I face my grief. Automatic writing gives us one more way to become mindful, and to feel connected to those we can no longer hold. It is like being a pen pal with the angels.

Building a Life of Mindfulness

October 4, 2020 /

In the spring of 2018 I was under the care of a Professional for high blood pressure.  She wanted me to practice mindfulness.  Her theory was that if I was ‘more in the moment’ that I would feel less stressed, less anxious and less worried about things I have no control of.  In August (2018) at my appointment, she asked me if I was practicing being in the moment.  I shared with her my summer. In July, my daughter was driving my car home when a man ran a red light sending her to the hospital and my car to the salvage yard. As I dealt with insurance and her physiotherapy appointments while looking for another vehicle, I was also waiting for the results of a biopsy to rule out I had ovarian cancer….and then Zane was killed…what particular moment did she want me to be in?  Which one of any of my present moments did she think would bring me less worry and more peace?  Mindfulness was not a priority or a desire.  She agreed.

When you are grieving it is VERY difficult to be in the moment.  It is unbearably painful. The present sucks. And mindfulness is all about being and appreciating the present moment. Mindfulness is for the blessed.

So how does a grief warrior use mindfulness as a tool to mourn? You create a present that you can live in. You fill your calendar with things that might bring you joy like music or movies or wine with a friend who listens.  You create habits that support your mental and physical health like a walk in the park or a bike ride along the river.  You say yes to more cuddles with your pet and afternoons reading a good book. You collect and fill your home with things that bring you peace…pictures, plants, blankets that belonged to your loved one or that your loved one would have liked or that you yourself feel good about.  And you continue to honor and speak of your loved one.

By filling our days with as many things as we can that ground us; we can begin to build a present we can be mindful about.

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