I have always found Bereaved Mother’s Day curious. To have a day (the Sunday before Mother’s Day) that recognizes women who have lost a child. It started in Australia and began with a focus on babies who passed of S.I.D.S., a miscarriage or stillbirth. Over the years, it has spread world-wide as a day for all mothers who have lost a child; a day that is an opportunity to talk about them, to find support to know that they are not alone. Also importantly, the hope of this initiative is to have people start talking about loss such that the notions around death become less taboo.
So, I take this holiday and each year, I reach out to my grieving mother friends to let them know I am thinking of them on this Sunday. And then, the following Sunday, I will reach out to my other mother friends who are enjoying the day with their children still here on earth. This year, I reached out to my friend who is experiencing her first Mother’s Day without her son. And I know what that feels like.
My first Mother’s Day without Zane here was surreal. In fact, when I look back, the entire month of May did not exist. I mentally checked out. That year, I spent all my energy going to battle with the courts to obtain guardianship to have access to Zane’s personal documents to ensure that he would graduate from university as was the plan before he was killed. It was complicated and carried with it its own grief and I was overwhelmed. But I digress.
I remember certain dates in the beginning of our journey, including Bereaved Mother’s Day, which went unnoticed by my family as they dealt with their own grief. So, this day has become my day with Zane. Over the years, I have instilled quiet moments of honor, remembrance and even celebration. Bereaved Mother’s Day has become for me, a day to celebrate being Zane’s mom. All the wonder of his soul coming into my life and all the many beautiful experiences we shared during his short but impactful time. And it is a day that I honor the strength of my fellow mothers who too find a moment to wish that fate was different. And thus, I put a note into a card and dropped it in my friend’s mailbox. Her first Bereaved Mother’s Day. I wish it was not so.
I hate that she now knows about her new and special Sunday. The one before the popular one that will have her crying in the Hallmark aisle as the colorful cards taunt you a happy day. But it might help her to know this is this day where the whole world recognizes she is remembering her beautiful boy, and the memories he has left her with. And not that any of us need a special day. We live and breathe the life and loss of our children. Bereaved Mother’s Day is really a statement that the world acknowledges the unimaginable levels of anguish experienced by mothers who have loved, lost and continue to be women of strength and hope to their families. My sweet girlfriend is now one of those.
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