Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #mothersday

Motherhood is a Life Sentence

May 14, 2023 /

Last week was Bereaved Mother’s Day.  A day for mothers who have lost a child.  Today is Mother’s Day.  A day to celebrate mothers. It confuses me as to why I am suddenly a part of two different occasions that are about one person.  I struggle with the idea that I celebrate being Zane’s mom on one day and my daughter on another day. Just because he is not here physically, in no way reduces all aspects of me being his mom. And where is the day to celebrate my role as a mom to the many other children that I also love unconditionally? Where is ‘their day’?

Although I enjoy any reason for a party, Mother’s Day is getting more and more complicated with the definition of mother and what type of mother are you and each type seems to have its own day. Are you a mother or a bereaved mother or a stepmother or a foster mother? There is a flurry of diverse Mother’s Days in a calendar year. And then there are the protestors that think there shouldn’t be a Mother’s Day at all! 

I don’t think you need to give birth to be a mother. I think being a mother is more about unconditional love. And that type of love can nurture any thing or anyone. I think the role of mother is about devotion, about care, about wanting the best.  It’s about sacrifice and sleepless nights and an ongoing worry for them. Motherhood is not a role; it is a way of life.

Motherliness begins at a young age, long before the official call of ‘mom’. It begins as a small girl developing empathy and a curiosity of how one can nurture another.  It may have begun playing dolls or taking care of a plant, a pet, or a sibling. It is fostered by a growth of patience and concern and strengthens with a desire to protect. All this creates a heart of joy and a mama bear attitude for those we care for.

And suddenly you are all grown up. And through personal experience your life becomes that of a mom. It is important to acknowledge the unique differences and challenges of the different types of motherhood.  Some moms hold a baby they gave birth to.  Some care for one that another woman gave birth to. Other’s play a role of mom to a child of a friend or relative. And some moms have four-legged fur babies they love as much. There are unique aspects and different details to who and how you are in the role of being that soul’s mom. What I think is important is the overall concept of motherhood, the conscious interactions with another living being (human or other) that causes a stirring in your soul, a tug at your heart, a desire to ensure this soul is ok. This makes you a mother. I like to think it is just that simple.  It is a gift that does not come with a training guide but with an obligation to be our best for them. For the rest of our lives.

With all the complex intricacies of motherhood, I don’t need two or more days to acknowledge this responsibility and my part in it. I receive confirmation every day. A collective and special holiday for moms is great but I don’t need two. One day is just fine. 

Mother’s Day Message

May 8, 2022 /

A mother in one of my support groups asked, “when speaking of your child who has died, do you say, I love them, or I loved them?” A profound question but one that brought up the struggle of where your child is now.  They are not here, so past tense is appropriate, but they are here still in spirit so present tense feels more comforting even though it is more confusing.

This same question falls into the category of other questions that are difficult to answer.  How many children do you have when one has died? How old is your child?  Do you refer to their current age, if they were still alive, or do you refer to their forever age?  And the biggest question, am I still a mother.

In grief we learn that we must take our time and that every path is different. We know that what works for one, might not work for the other. Let’s take these lessons into account to answer the tough questions. I have found what works for me one day might not work for me another day.  It depends on my energy, where I am, and who I am speaking to. 

Here is what I believe. First, no question, I am his mother and will always be. No one takes that away; it came as my eternal right when I chose to give birth to him. And because I gave birth to him, he will always count as one of the children I have, no matter what his mortal status is!  The other answers require a bit more self-reflection.

How old is he? I find that in my grief community I am very comfortable to say Zane is forever 26. They get that. My answer changes with those I don’t know.  Currently my reply is, “I have a son who should be 30 but was killed when he was 26 and a daughter who just turned 27”.  This reply is to the point, the truth and tells the story of me as a mother.

Being comfortable saying that, I realize that I do keep Zane in the present tense.  I HAVE a son. I LOVE my son. Why would I put such an important person into a past tense? Because our society does. When our loved ones die, our society dictates that they are gone. They have left for a better place, to be with God, whatever your definition of ‘eternity’ is. They are in the past. But as a grieving mother we know better.

Every breath we take we are painfully aware that we cannot hold our child. But we also know, and we receive signs to assure us of this, that our children are still here. They are connected to us through a spiritual umbilical cord that death cannot sever. Being a mother of a child who is on the other side requires new learning of how to connect, how to care for them (through honoring them) but we learn, because we are their mothers.

My message to you is simply this. You are your child’s mother. That has not changed. That will never change. You are mother of their body and now their memory, their spirit, and their legacy. Your work is the same as that of mothers of earthly children.  We listen and watch for them, and we send our love to them through thoughts and wishes and actions. Your love for your child will always be present tense.

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