I had a conversation this week with a mom whose youngest son is graduating from high school. She reminded me of all the things a mother does to ensure that this day is one he will celebrate and think fondly of for years to come. It is a ‘duty’ that most of us go through. The challenge she has is that her oldest son didn’t get this chance. He died before he graduated.

Her son wishes to include his brother in his graduation as much as one can incorporate one from the other side. And thus, the shoes, the outfit, the plans his brother had for his own, the younger son now wants to have. This is good mourning for him. And his mother gets it.  So, with every task, every detail, she plans and creates with her son.  There is a smile on her face and a let’s do this attitude that her son needs. However, inside, she is screaming so loud her head pounds. The pain of having to face and recreate what her oldest wanted, should have had, penetrates with every breath. This is when strength is needed.

Grieving requires strength.  You are straddled between two places. You are here, on earth, a life with responsibilities, the people who count on you, but you are also on the other side. The place where your loved one has gone to, and with them a piece of you has gone too.  We are to focus; we are expected to continue to be the adult, the caregiver. And we must, it is our role. Parenting, while grieving, requires extra strength.

There are many times that your grief must be ignored, must be put on the shelf, for the sake of your other children. You tell yourself that you will go on for the other kids. You tell yourself that they need you.  And they do.  They REALLY do. But they will need you when you think you can’t possibly get out of bed. They will need you when you want to be alone. They will need you to help them mourn, even if their way is not the best way for you.

Strength in grief is what gives us the power to see each day with hope. It enables us to help our children mourn. This type of strength comes from the parental need to protect and provide for our children. It comes from deep within our soul. It comes from our heart, the love for our precious family. It comes when needed, giving us the energy to be there for those we love. 

Graduation day will come.  It will be beautiful; full of rituals and tokens that bond two brothers for eternity. And mom, after all this, she can take a walk into the fields of her back yard, thanking God as she cries, for strength when it is needed.