I recently had coffee with a friend, a fellow grief warrior.  She brought up a pet peeve in our community; the simple and well intentioned question, “how are you?”  Our answer would like to be “how the hell do you think I’m doing?” However, our answer is usually some version of, “I’m ok”, when in fact we are not.  We will never be.  OK, is the acceptable answer?  It’s the answer we think you want to hear.  Grief is not accepted in our culture as a lifelong sentence.  But it is. And sure there are good days and even moments of joy as we move forward learning to live with our grief.  But OK left when our loved one left.

I said to my friend, perhaps it is our responsibility to inform others how we want to be asked.  We know the question comes from a place of love and concern. It’s just this question makes us feel guilty.  Do I tell you the truth?  Can you handle the truth?  Is it appropriate?  And some days, I don’t know how I’m feeling….I’m just getting by.  I don’t have the energy to actually answer this question.

Maybe the question to someone grieving should be “how is your grief today?” This recognizes grief is a part of us and questions how much, at that moment, we are consumed by it.  The response could be easier for us to express; “it is killing me” or “it is quiet today”.  Acknowledging grief is important because it is a huge part of what we now are and the elevator question, “How are you”, does not fit in this community.

Personally, when I’m asked how are you, my go to answer is, “I’m here.”  And I change the subject.