The topic this week, in the care of my counselor, was about assumptions and perceptions and the role they play in our grief. I was sharing with her that friends and family members have told me I am too busy, that I am rushing from one thing to the next. I am frustrated by this because my assumption is that they believe I am not there for them. These thoughts increase my grief as I feel guilty that I am letting others down.

Perceptions are how we see the world. They are molded by one’s own experiences and beliefs. The philosophical example is that the sky is blue. It is on a sunny day. It is black when it is night. It is grey on a cloudy day. The sky is not always blue. The assumption that the sky is blue, is changed by experience.

We have no control over another’s perception. And yet we often make assumptions based on the view of another. I am told I am too busy. That is a perception created by my actions. The suggestion is I should slow down. I hear this but through my own perspective, it changes from slow down, to I’m letting you down.  The notion that I am unavailable did not come from them but from my own insecurities of what I want to do, am doing and what I think others want or expect of me.

Grief messes with our perception, the sky is not as blue as before.  Our assumptions follow.  We assume that people should know what to say to us. We assume our pain is visible. We replace trying to understand and to clarify with internal theories of our needs and wants are not being met. It becomes a dark cyclical way of thinking. Communication breaks down by holding on to a view of what we assume to be true. Assumptions are deceptive. 

We can eliminate or change assumptions by adjusting our outlook.  If my attitude was to revel in the luck that I can take on so much with a ‘hell yea, I am crazy busy’, then the narrative changes. I am recognizing their perception and squashing any assumptions that this is a negative for me.

Life is a kaleidoscope of never-ending perceptions. Assumptions are based on a combination of the perception, our attitude and the energy we have in that moment. We can alter our assumptions.  We can ask for clarification. We can lean in with curiosity of where that came from. We can try to understand another point of view. We can choose to search beyond the clouds for blue skies. We can choose to let go of the assumptions that cause us unnecessary grief.