Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #remember

When Remembrance and Acknowledgement Combine  

March 20, 2022 /

We had the pleasure of celebrating St. Patty’s Day with fellow grief warriors, including a friend whose son has been gone for just a year now. The festivities included shared stories of those we have lost, jokes, tears, laughter and always a shooter to toast those we love who are on the other side. In conversation, she noted that there were no calls this year, no one showed up to say hello. “His friends are already moving on” she stated.

The worse fear we have for our departed is that they are not remembered. The popular Disney movie “Coco” tells us that their spirit lives on (and visits us) if we remember them.  Only if we remember.  We know this. As a community we mark special days (like Remembrance Day) to remind us that it is important to remember. In the grief community we make a special note of birthdays and d-days of those we lost to acknowledge we remember.

When death hits home, it is easy to remember. There is no way we can forget. We live with the daily pain that our loved one is not physically with us. I am sure that the friends of her son do remember. I am sure that there will be times, signs that will stop them in their tracks, individually and as a group, that they will remember him with a smile or a tear.  Or both.

So, maybe what bothers us is not that they don’t remember, but that they don’t share that with us.  As parents, the bittersweet connection to our child’s friends is something we need. Our child chose these people to be with, they know him and the possible conversations or just a quick text “thinking of you” assures us that they have not forgot.

This acknowledgement re-confirms that our child’s life made a difference. That they were of value, they were loved and that they were important. Somehow this acknowledgement connects us to the life our child had.  It comforts us. That is why remembering is important, but it is only the first step. Without acknowledgement that you remember, there is a void to which increases the feeling of loneliness.

When we remember and then acknowledge we remember, it brings us together and gives us strength. Shared grief is key to good mourning.

I Always Remember How You Like Your Coffee

November 9, 2020 /

Zane’s friends wanted to come to his celebration wearing his favorite color.  The consensus was blue. Then it changed to dress blue or dress how you think Zane wanted you to dress.  The joke was who would come naked.  Thankfully, no one did. I remember thinking to myself, is that his favorite color? Oh yes, yes, of course it was.  What was I thinking?  Memory goes out the window when you are fresh in your grief.  And we struggle with it forever after that.

Forgetting the little details of our loved one is one of the biggest fears.  We want, need, to remember their laugh, their face, their voice.  Grief does give you a foggy memory and that creates worry that we will wake up one day and the memories of our loved one has faded. 

It is compounded by the awkwardness of others not wanting to bring up your loved one’s name.  There is a hesitation of including them in present conversation when their physical life here is in the past.   But if we believe they are always a part of our life, then they should be included.  And the more we talk about them, the more we remember.  And that is a good thing.

Then there’s the tricky concept, do we remember correctly?  It goes to say if I acknowledge that I am having trouble remembering current things, then how do I remember the past with accurate detail?

I remember my mother started speaking of things about my father after he passed that I doubted were true.  I would call my sister to say, “hey mom said this….is that what really happened?”  Usually it didn’t or it was a twisted version of the truth.  We would laugh.  Maybe the fact my mother ended up with Alzheimer’s made it worse.  I’m sure it did.  But you get the point. Our memories don’t get sharper with age.

So how do we keep the details of our loved one from becoming fuzzy? 

Start writing! We need to record all that we wish to hold onto. Start a list of their favorites, their milestones, their habits, hobbies and dreams.  Maybe it’s a journal or a list on paper or a video you do.  Maybe it’s a letter you write to them to capture the favorite memories.  Whatever you choose to use and the style to record isn’t the focus; it’s having it captured to ensure that when we are having a moment we can go back to it and remember with clarity.

Is it important to have clarity? I believe it is another way to honor our loved one.  Zane insisted on having 3 sugars and lots of cream in his morning coffee. Every time I make my coffee, I think of that.  It makes me smile. There was more cream than coffee in his mug. Our loved one’s life had value here.  They made mistakes, they had accomplishments, and they had a personality, a way of doing things that made us laugh and cry. The details should be remembered vividly, as it is the details that make them so very special.

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