Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #signs

Stampede Lesson

July 17, 2022 /

In our home, Stampede is a holiday. It is met with anticipation and excitement. I have a tradition of sharing one of the ten days with my kids: games, shopping, mini-donuts and trying the latest weird foods before sending them off to Nashville North. This year was no different. And yet it was.

We couldn’t find skeet ball.  We didn’t play the water gun game. I didn’t see any bubbles like last year. The connections to Zane being with us seemed non-existent. So, although I enjoyed my day, I came home, and grief flooded over me like the tsunami it can be.

I pulled out my journal, calmed my breathing and began practicing my automatic writing I have recently learned to do. Why were you not there Zane?  I am so afraid that the day will come where you will not show me signs. Was today a glimpse of what is to be? I can’t bear this…

And suddenly my writing answered me. What are you talking about? Did you not hold and admire the beautiful feather created by Marney Delver?   You always complain that the wine is not good and suddenly your favorite chardonnay is there for you to enjoy, is that coincidence? What about the art piece; the bear holding the crystal ball, and the caption read, “the energy continues”. You had so many signs and you felt them. Your soul knew.

Sitting in my room, the tears splashing on the paper as I wrote without thinking, my grief settled down. I closed my journal and reflected. It was true.  There were so many signs.  Different.  But as real as ever.

We know that our loved ones send us signs. What I experienced this Stampede was that our loved ones can change how they remind us they are here. The signs we see that bring us comfort when they first depart might change. Or they might stay (I still see bubbles and feathers and know it is Zane) but new signs can begin to show up. We all grow, experience new things in life.  Perhaps this is also true of the other realm. Perhaps our loved ones wish to ‘shake it up’ for us, experience new things with us and let us know they are with us in new and cool ways. If we are stuck on needing the signs we first receive, and close our mind, and our eyes, to other signs, we might miss their visit.

Stampede brought another great year of bonding, laughter and this year, a lesson. Our loved ones are always letting us know they are with us, in different ways that we can experience if we open our broken hearts. “Didn’t we have a great day?” I hear Zane ask me.  “Feel the joy. I am here.” 

The Arrival of Spring

April 17, 2022 /

Easter announces that spring is here. The season that hints of longer, warmer days to arrive. The season of restlessness and the question of ‘what else’ might we do.  There is a magic about spring, no wonder this season is a favorite for poetry.

Our family enjoys poetry, reading and writing it. Putting your feelings into a flow of stanzas helps clarify feelings and may resonate with others in a way that simple conversations cannot.  I read about the healing power of putting your words into poetic form. Try to express your feelings in haiku fashion or summarize an experience in only 6 words for impact. You need not be Robert Frost or Sylvia Path (although both are inspiring to read!)

Zane would choose to write poems in English and Spanish. One of his poems was a request from a mother who had lost her son to a drug overdose. I’ll save that poem for another time. Today, with the sun shining and the blue sky covering us, I wanted to share one of mine.

Mother Spring

The buds on the trees, bursting to open,
clouds float by, their miscellaneous shapes
forming soft notes to those below
birds chirp as they gather
to build the family nest…

Spring demonstrates, the cycle of life continues
ready or not, here she comes
with her canvas of colors
to be seen in due time
Her gentle teardrops falling
cleansing the dirt of the winter dead

She brings with her evidence that hope is here
in the quiet morning dew
and the crisp mountain air
She puts in front of us
a kaleidoscope of tiny miracles
whispering to witness her magic.

all that we see, touch, hear and do
connects us to her bigger picture-
that of the moon and the heavens
where many of our own
shine down in twinkling lights.

Her energy is of peace, of love
letting us sense this other realm,
which is invisible to the earthly eye
it can only be seen, experienced
with a broken heart.

feathers fall in our path,
butterflies, dragonflies, wildlife visitors,
she sends with tiny messages on their backs
assuring us, life is a perennial cycle
of rebirth, of eternal connections
that reach across space and time
to those we love and miss.

Take this season to open your journal and pour your heart out in verse.  It is therapeutic. It is good mourning.

Magic at Stampede

July 18, 2021 /

I anticipated the return of the Calgary Stampede and it did not disappoint.  Stampede was an annual event for the kids and I.  Each year, on Kid’s Day, we would head down to play the midway games, eat mini donuts, shop in the BMO Centre and try the new icky dish and then go home. As the kids grew, I would go home alone and they would stay to meet up with friends and do the rides.  And then, as they reached adulthood, Nashville North was added to their “must do” list. Yes, Stampede in our house is the biggest event of the year.  A holiday like no other and because of this it is also my biggest trigger.

Stampede was Zane’s gig. He anticipated it like a kid at Christmas and cried when the tents came down. He spent every free minute (and every saved penny) on the grounds. So keeping up this tradition without him is no easy task.  The first year we went, every game, every smell screamed at me, “He is not here”.  I ended up going home and crawling under the covers. When Stampede was cancelled the following year I suggested it was ok.  “If Zane couldn’t be here, Stampede shouldn’t either”. 

This year, I looked forward to going, to giving Stampede another try. Jon and I took Payton and her fiancée.  We brought ‘the dude’, Zane’s essence, too. This year felt different.  Partly because we left the fear (and masks) of the past year behind, but it was more than that. The energy of the people, the sunshine, the live music, the smell of corn dogs greeted us at the gates. We played our favorite games and won prizes. There was chatter about Zane being our lucky charm.  You could feel him. And then my biggest, unexplainable sign confirmed this.

The kids were in line to get Alligator Tail bites. Yea, we tried every weird food there and enjoyed them all! Jon and I went to get a table on the roof top. As we were standing at our table, my back toward the grounds, I looked into the construction going on behind the fence.  There was nothing there.  No people, no stored items, just dug up dirt and cement. As Jon and I chatted, from the side I could see something floating up from the construction site. I looked over to see one perfect bubble floating up.  I gasped. Bubbles are Zane’s thing….loved blowing them and always kept a bubble wand in his car! I grabbed Jon’s hand and said, “Look, look over there!” I went over to look to see where it could be coming from.  There were no other bubbles, no persons near, no bubbles from another site, nothing. I started to cry. “Oh, my God, Zane is here.  He is letting us know”. And the bubble floated up towards us and then up higher into the blue sky. Jon and I were silent. Both of us were smiling. I said to him, “my heart, my heart….it is filled with my boy.”

When you receive a sign such as this, you do not distrust it.  You do not check into the realistic possibilities of how it could have happened.  You do not question it. If you do, the magic is lost.  What you do is accept it as a sign from your loved one. You receive it with a glad heart as a confirmation that they are with us.  And you celebrate it. Which is what we did and this magic made my day. It filled my heart with the love of my son and the joy that Stampede brings our family.  Even now.

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