Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #soulplans

Time to Shake Up Traditions

August 18, 2024 /

August is our ugly month. It holds so much loss, so much pain. Each year, our family holds our breath and plunges into the month with the hopes that we will survive.  And we do. This year was different. Our past traditions were challenged by the different emotions of our family.  We are all grieving, and up to this point, compromises seemed easier. This year was a battle of what everyone needed and how to create something that respected each need.

My daughter posted on her social media that this year she was done with being sad. She wants to move forward with all the wonderful and new things in her life. She is tired of being tired. And thus, continuing with our ways of coping unsettled her grief. She needed something different.  Identifying what that might be seemed impossible.

I have accepted that the emotion of sadness will always be a main feeling within me. So, staying with what I know we do each year to celebrate Zane is safe. The past years have proved that I will get through it. My husband wanted whatever we wanted. Although he does have a way of putting his own spin on things each time, no matter what else might be suggested. So, I fretted about how to create an event that would be about Zane, that would include his friends and the new desires of my daughter.

We landed on a simple drink with whoever was available. We chose a bar that had easy access, free parking and a dog friendly patio. The bonus was it also had a nice wine! When this idea was shared and accepted, somewhat questionably, but accepted as what we would try this year, I handed it over to Jon. “Invite the usuals”, I said. And with that, I surrendered to what will be that day, will be. (Yep, still using that mantra because it works.)

Each year, I buy a token for Zane’s friends to keep in memory of him. This year I chose to give a little stone for each friend to carry. Jon came with me, and we picked out a newly found stone called K2. It is suggested that this high vibrational stone is for those wanting to become more aware of their soul and the souls of their loved ones. It holds an energy that is reported to calm emotions and brings people together in harmony. A perfect choice for what Zane did on earth and what each of us wants with him; to connect our souls and feel the warm synchronization of being together.  

I laid the stones out on the table for his friends to choose the stone that spoke to them. As I gathered the left-over stones, one rolled out of the bag and landed in front of me. I looked down and there it was. A small cube shaped stone with an undeniable Z on it! His friends laughed and pointed at it. One friend leaned into me and said, “well if that isn’t Zane telling you he’s here, nothing is”. My son picked out my stone. These are the signs that make the heart explode.

The next day, our family debriefed on the party and agreed that it went well. It was a big change, but it was less work, roughly the same cost (perhaps a bit more) and Jon had invited those we loved and a few surprise guests that enhanced the evening. The truth, I don’t think it matters how we gather, but that we gather. His friends, our family, need this annual ritual of celebrating the person who connected us all. A toast to Zane, on his birthday, will never get old. And with that, we agreed to continue our traditions and be ok with shaking them up as needed.

Experiences Through Surrender-Part Two

August 11, 2024 /

I’d be amiss if I didn’t share the realization that I came to when visiting family this summer. I am not sure how or more importantly why our individual souls chose to group together as relatives for this lifetime with grief as the number one challenge.  It seems that my holiday mantra, ‘surrender’ helped open my eyes to family dynamics and my heart to understanding deeper.

Every friend and colleague have told me that our family has experienced more death, more sadness than anyone they know. Some even joke about not being sure if they want to be my friend. In case death is contagious. I smile. We don’t wear this truth like a badge of honor. No, in fact we gripe about it.  But, at the end of the day, we are a very strong clan, and I think living with grief fosters that.

Our family reunion this year included happy news, the sharing of struggles, living with grief, coping with mental and physical health challenges and every conversation included both tears and smiles. It was during this event that I realized how much our family has in common. Not just blood, or marriage or the sharing of children, but the soul plan of what we are facing, learning to live with and overcoming as a collective group. We each do our best to create an existence that honors God, ourselves and each other. We are a family who stand next to the ghosts in the closet and share real life struggles. We are a family that provides support to one another with no judgement of what has happened or why. We live in the mantra, surrender to what is, was to be. I feel very lucky to be in the company of such strength found in life’s adversity.

The day was preceded by a visit to the local cemetery. I had not visited the graves of my father-in-law or favorite Aunts or my brothers-in-law. As we toured the path, pausing at each tombstone to remember, I noticed how many of my beloved were resting here. In our family, we honor and celebrate our loved ones so intensely that one needs to be reminded they are not physically with us. The granite placings marking their birth, and their passing was surreal. It left me feeling empty and yet, when at the family reunion, the recollections of each person who had died brought them back. Our loved ones were there, invisible but very much with us. Joy returns through the saying of their names.

The day ended with four of us driving back with the roof down, the music blaring, singing at the top of our lungs.  Arms waving up over our heads, I felt connected to every spirit, including Zane’s. The setting sun above us, the wind through our hair, the pleasure of being together.  We ended at the harbor. My sweet sister-in-law wanted a moment to honor her beloved Kim. The harbor was one of his favorite places and it was fitting on that night, with the essence of our family reunion covering us, we stopped to be with Kim. The water gently clapping the cement dock, the soft green hue of the lighthouse across the lake, there was a peace that only matched Kim’s quiet persona. Another family member is with us in spirit.

Surrender is not a word used by warriors. And it is not a word I would use often.  Our family are fighters. But the word has a place. When grief is as abundant as it is with our clan, when the pain of loss overcomes and clouds perspective, surrendering to what we can’t control can be calming. When we sit next to grief and ask it what I am to learn if I surrender, it carries power. Our family practices this intuitively. Our lives are full, and we can face our challenges, find strength in each other and when rest is required, momentarily surrender. This practice brings depth and bliss to the journey we experience together.

Soul Coaching from Audrey

July 9, 2023 /

She came into my life as the woman who married my husband’s father. She was grandma to my children. She was not always easy to be with because she was opinionated and blunt.  Some would say no filter. I’m not sure why she was like that. She seemed oblivious to how some of her comments came across as criticism, but you had to appreciate her “I told you so” attitude. She knew what she liked, and she made sure she got it. These attributes made her seem difficult at times for everyone except my father-in-law.  He loved her unconditionally. And when he passed, he asked if we would care for her.  And we promised we would.

I woke to the news that she had died. It was not shocking; her age and poor health gave reason for why. It has left me pondering, would my father-in-law say we took care of her?  I can find comfort that I did reach out with letters and phone calls.  But was that enough? I can make excuses as to why I did not do more. And that made me think, do we create regrets by choosing to not connect. The family and friends that we have who are not as seemingly loveable as others we choose to spend less time with. If there was a misunderstanding or a mishap, it justifies even more why we don’t hang out with them.  But does this choice become the foundation to stunt our own growth? Perhaps, in some ways it might.

We have so little time here on this earth. Where do grievances benefit us? If I believe that we all sat at a table planning this life and who would play what role, before we landed here as humans, do I not owe those I encounter some respect for agreeing to share this life with me prior to even meeting? At the very least, when they are hurting, am I not to put my differences aside to hold them? Maybe these are the souls that can enlighten us. If so, then if my choice of action is to ignore, mistreat or walk away, how will enlightenment be mine? I think in our life come these souls whose role is to give opportunities to practice compassion.

Audrey was one of those souls. Her antagonistic wit had us all on our toes. She taught us the importance of clarifying one’s motives. She taught us to go after what you love. She demonstrated that perfection is not part of being human. She taught us that anyone can apologize. She cared deeply for those she loved. She opened her home to us and relished having us travel with her. She did it her way and although that made her come across as sometimes salty, she was real.  I liked that about her.

 Our family, especially my sister-in-law, took the promise we made seriously.  We continued to include her in our lives after the death of my father-in-law.  We welcomed her with the understanding that no one is perfect, and we are not to judge the capacity or depth of love expressed from another. We accepted her for her, and we shared time as family. An extra ten years, we would not have had, if we had chosen to walk away. And in those years, there were some great moments that included laughter, cold drinks on a sunny patio and heart-felt conversations. I enjoyed her. I loved her.  

As for Audrey, I know she appreciated us. I know that she loved us. I know that wherever she is now, she knows we tried.  And that must be good enough for me.  We kept our promise.   

Audrey, thank you for enlightening me. From you, I have learned that life is too short for regrets. I am grateful for the times we shared and trust that bliss greeted you on the other side. Say hi to everyone there for me.

Preplans of our Souls

October 24, 2021 /

It is said that we arrive on earth having already chosen our family and our path as part of what we need to learn and to teach with our days here on earth.  When that is achieved, we leave.  Earth is a school of the spiritual realm.  And a very difficult one at best.

Understanding soul plans brings some peace to me.  We fret over the questions of why and what if, that allude to “how could I have controlled this from happening?”  Soul plans remind us we have no control over such.  Our power of control has only the capacity to strive towards our desires, our goals, choosing our actions and our reactions to what we meet on our path.  The big picture we had already planned.

The people who we meet, our families, our friends, even our associates, play a part in shaping us. If we are open to when these people arrive and how we feel around them we begin to understand ourselves better.  We begin to see patterns of behavior that we can reinforce or remove. Our connections, on a soul level, are to bring us enlightenment. I think that is a pretty cool concept. Who doesn’t want to be a better version of themselves?  Who doesn’t want peace and purpose?  According to soul plans, the idea to embrace what life gives you and learn from it and share this with others is why we are here.

I have had mothers ask me, if this is true, why would I choose to be a grieving mother?  To which I reply, why would your child have chosen you?

If soul plans exist, I can’t imagine how that conversation would go. This tiny spirit had an agreement with you to come here as your child, knowing they would leave first.   Who would agree to such pain? And yet, here we are.  I wonder if the mother in our soul, the caregiver we are, agreed because of love. Perhaps we knew this child would need us in the most universal way and we agreed because of love. And perhaps, just as big, we needed them. This love transcended across the realms into this life as mother and son. Love was what brought us together, to experience a multitude of emotions, learning and supporting each other’s spirit to grow.

Pondering this, I wrote a letter to Zane.

“…If what I read is true; if we as spirits make a plan before we arrive on earth as humans, we knew each other before we were mother and son.  We each had our lesson to learn, and we chose each other to come together to experience this. Your life of adventure and discovery and pushing the limits, an example to the rest of us, a reminder to live life fully. What lessons you taught us.  Thank you. And what, my sweet son, were the lessons you learned…”

We will never know if a soul plan is a real thing.  For me, I try to put the why am I in this role on a shelf.  I am not sure it will ever make sense. But the idea that I had known Zane before brings hope I will play another role with him again.

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