I like the idea of a re-do. The possibilities of starting over, making it better, stronger than before. I am always encouraged by the Easter holiday to hold tight to a faith that things are not as they appear. That there is new life after a death. That there is a continuation of relations we thought were gone, broken or dismissed. Spring brings with it the seeds of renewal, the sunshine to warm the earth and our hearts. It is filled with promise.
Over the last three months our family has taken a step back to lean into our individual grief. Led by our daughter whose grief exploded with the breakup of her marriage, she chose to walk away from the blatant reminders of the many factors that have caused her angst for years. At first, I was shocked. Then I was angry. As time went on, I came to an acceptance that I want her happy and healthy and thus whatever path she needs to travel to get there, I must be ok with that.
While she nurtured her brokenness and sought serenity, I decided to do the same. For different reasons. Mine centered around needing our family to heal better than we have been with the multiple losses and the trauma within our lives. And in that journey, I have discovered dynamics of our clan that I had not noticed before. I have unveiled my own feelings of the role I play within our family and the gaps between caring too much and not caring enough. What started as therapy to ‘fix the broken’ has become an analysis of my own struggles. But that’s a story for another time.
Recently, she reached out to share with us what is currently going on, the challenges she has been facing and how she is dealing with them. I tried to put the ‘mama bear’ in me aside and just listen. It was hard. No mother wants to hear that their child is hurting and not try to fix it or the very least, give some motherly advice.
As I left the conversation, my heart was filled with gratitude that she felt comfortable enough to share. I was relieved to hear that her strength is upholding. I admired how she was handling adversity. I have always wanted her to find her own path, to move away from past habits of making decisions based on the pressure of should or the need to please. I saw a woman who was becoming her own, whose eyes were open to negativity she would no longer tolerate. And she had this aura about her that was independent. I am sure this transformation is scary. And difficult. Re-dos usually are.
Grief insists that renewal happens. We are not the same. Loss has taken away our expectations of what our present and our future was to be. Thus, searching for ways to live with grief, will change you. Who we become through this process is uncertain. But the symbolism of this season gives merit to how we can transform. With grace, hope and faith that renewal will bring us light and love.
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