Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #strength

Hello Santa, Are You There?

December 24, 2023 /

Last year I wished for silence to help me heal. And it came, but in short spurts and not often enough. Maybe I was to be more specific. Or maybe that was all I was to receive. I’m not sure. But this year has been a challenge. We lost eleven members of our tribe. And more members received unwanted medical news. So, this year, I will try to be specific.

Dear Santa, my wish is for strength.

The strength needed for those suffering

to wake and face the day

with courage and faith.

The strength needed for those grieving

to look past the pain and see

signs sent from the ones they miss.

The strength needed to face the mirror

and believe there is hope,

that another year

will be ours to share.

The strength needed to walk the souls’ path

and choose the very direction at each crossroad

that will bring us closer to who we are to be.

Dear sweet Santa, I believe that strength is what is needed.

Mind, body, and soul

to move us forward.

I’m not sure how it comes,

In pretty boxes with bows

Or more of a quiet wash over,

leaving one with a sigh and

sense of determination.

That’s your job Santa, as the season’s messenger

of the unknown, have your elves create

strength in the form needed for each of us

to travel into the next year with optimism,

with joy, with peace and love.

Strength, to feel the meaning of this season in the heat of the sun

and the magic of this season in the torrent rains.

Strength that gives breath to our purpose

and actions to honor this life we have.

Strength Arrives When Needed

May 29, 2022 /

I had a conversation this week with a mom whose youngest son is graduating from high school. She reminded me of all the things a mother does to ensure that this day is one he will celebrate and think fondly of for years to come. It is a ‘duty’ that most of us go through. The challenge she has is that her oldest son didn’t get this chance. He died before he graduated.

Her son wishes to include his brother in his graduation as much as one can incorporate one from the other side. And thus, the shoes, the outfit, the plans his brother had for his own, the younger son now wants to have. This is good mourning for him. And his mother gets it.  So, with every task, every detail, she plans and creates with her son.  There is a smile on her face and a let’s do this attitude that her son needs. However, inside, she is screaming so loud her head pounds. The pain of having to face and recreate what her oldest wanted, should have had, penetrates with every breath. This is when strength is needed.

Grieving requires strength.  You are straddled between two places. You are here, on earth, a life with responsibilities, the people who count on you, but you are also on the other side. The place where your loved one has gone to, and with them a piece of you has gone too.  We are to focus; we are expected to continue to be the adult, the caregiver. And we must, it is our role. Parenting, while grieving, requires extra strength.

There are many times that your grief must be ignored, must be put on the shelf, for the sake of your other children. You tell yourself that you will go on for the other kids. You tell yourself that they need you.  And they do.  They REALLY do. But they will need you when you think you can’t possibly get out of bed. They will need you when you want to be alone. They will need you to help them mourn, even if their way is not the best way for you.

Strength in grief is what gives us the power to see each day with hope. It enables us to help our children mourn. This type of strength comes from the parental need to protect and provide for our children. It comes from deep within our soul. It comes from our heart, the love for our precious family. It comes when needed, giving us the energy to be there for those we love. 

Graduation day will come.  It will be beautiful; full of rituals and tokens that bond two brothers for eternity. And mom, after all this, she can take a walk into the fields of her back yard, thanking God as she cries, for strength when it is needed.

It’s a wrap-Holidays 2020 Done!

December 28, 2020 /

We made it. I can’t say I’ve ever liked the hassle of the holidays.  There is too much of everything; food, wine, spending…I am sure that Christmas didn’t start out like this.  Leave it to us to make a spiritual holiday a commercial event. There always seems to be drama too. Who didn’t get invited, whose house, which day to be at is always difficult with blended families. The ban on gathering inside our homes caused more tension.  Friends, who we would always welcome into our home, this year, dropped their gifts at the door and left. It goes against my open door policy. The need to be together and share stories helps our grief. This season, because we were limited, I know, my grief was intensified.

Two of our friends, who lost their only child, dropped by with a book that Zane would love. It was a thoughtful gift, recognizing our son, and our pain, as they miss their own daughter.  I broke ‘the rule’ and hugged her. My heart ached for the emptiness I know she feels. I wanted to pull her daughter from the heavens and hand her back to her. There is nothing you can do or say to comfort this level of pain. And so I just hugged her.

This was our third holiday season without the happy go lucky boy of mine here to make the mashed potatoes and doubt we have enough gravy.  Zane loved gravy on everything, and lots of it, so a traditional gravy boat was not adequate. Our gravy boat is a massive Alice in Wonderland tea pot.  Used only for gravy.   This year I could not bring it out to use.

The first Christmas we were in shock, the second in disbelief.  This third year I am angry.  It’s time this cruel trick was over and he showed up, like physically showed up.  I am sick of pretending that I am ok. And so I brought the holidays in for my family to enjoy them and when it was over, I went to bed and took the next day off.

Alas. We made it.  May this holiday be a reminder, fellow grief warriors, of the incredible strength you have. Take a look at what this season demanded of you.  We prepared for a holiday, compromised by the current times.  We travelled through malls, saw TV ads, and had casual conversations about the season’s glitter and the merriment of it all. Something we might not feel but we nod anyways. With our heads held up and a smile on our brave face, we took on another Christmas without the physical presence of our beloved.  This courage, this strength to plod on facing the appalling reality we live with is something we do.  Perhaps this strength comes from the love we have for our missed one.  Perhaps it is a way to honor them; to represent them.  Perhaps it is their very essence that provides us with this incredible strength. (A topic for another day). But today, give yourself a yahoo, a pat on the back, a self hug, for managing this difficult time of year.

Holidays 2020, done. We made it. And together, we will face 2021 with that same strength.

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