Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #tattoo

A Snapshot in Time

March 15, 2026 /

I have had this theory in my work with youth that tattoos are a way of dealing with emotional pain. When Zane passed, I had a tattoo of his writing inked onto my inner forearm. I have had a new tattoo every year since. I have friends who had never considered a tattoo until their child passed. My daughter told me that your body is your canvas, it should tell your story. My canvas speaks of motherhood, life and happy times.

The tattoo of my third year living with grief was a line drawing of Zane, Payton and myself, from a photo of the three of us sitting in Mameo watching the sunset. I wanted this tattoo because it reminded me of the beautiful, peaceful summers my mother introduced us to. Quiet times of sunny days playing in the water or digging holes in the sand. Conversations of dreams and possibilities, where art, writing and photography filled the day. After mom passed, my sister and I continued going, taking the kids until they became old enough that interest was scattered and we stopped. My tattoo was my honoring those times. But something was amiss.

Since the original tattoo, I have asked for modifications and have never been satisfied with it. Then a friend suggested asking AI what I should do.  I laughed but thought I had nothing to lose. AI suggested adding flowers. I then went on a search to find a tattoo artist whose expertise was of such and found Sabrina.

Sabrina suggested adding flowers and adding other components of the original photo and redoing the figures in black.  Redoing???  It would take about two hours.  Two hours??? She saw the look on my face. “We could do it in two sessions.” I booked with that idea, paid my deposit and prayed that night that this was the answer to my woes of this unfinished tattoo.

When I arrived on the day of my appointment, I had yet to see her vision of what she wanted to do.  I was very nervous. Her sketch had the cloud lines added, more depth to the characters, a tiny sun and flowers, roses for Zane, sunflowers for Payton, and a peony for mom.  

The tattoo did take two hours, and we finished it in one sitting. My arm is red, sore, puffy and bruised.  It will take a couple weeks to heal. I am comfortable with all of that because it is the tattoo I wanted. I will now have a snapshot of one of my most favorite summers as a mother inked to forever remind me of that very special era.

I am living proof of my theory related to ‘inking’ when in pain, it’s not just for youth. I think that is why when we are grieving, the pain of the needle is bearable. It does not compare to the pain our heart feels. It is a distracting numbness that when completed shows a picture or a quote of love, of remembrance or a message of hope. It is a way of sharing our stories. My daughter was right; my body is becoming a canvas of my life history that reveals moments of my journey that I choose to hold tight to.

Tattooing Grief

January 30, 2022 /

My daughter has over a dozen tattoos.  Each one I would complain, “how can you do that to your body, you know it stays there forever”.  To which she would retort, “my body is my life canvas, I am painting it”.  Working with youth, my theory was (and still is) that tattoos are a way of expressing emotional pain.

Each year, since Zane was killed, I find myself at the table of my beautiful tattoo artist. The first year, Zane’s words, telling me he loved me were imprinted into my forearm.  The second year was a feather on my ankle (a touch up of a teenage tattoo that I have regretted and wanted covered) and the third was an outline of the kids and I when they were younger. I have this year’s tattoo picked out.

A fellow grief warrior shared with me that she has a plan for not one, but two tattoos in honor of her son. She never had one before and didn’t really like them.  She was perplexed that she wanted any, let alone two. I shared my story and she asked why do we feel an urge to do this?

I believe it goes back to my original theory.  We live in emotional pain and a tattoo is a way of expressing to the world, “I carry loss”. The desire for a tattoo is common amongst those in mourning. I have come to believe that the choice of getting a tattoo is not the point, but rather the choice of what would you like inked for eternity on your body is.  

What message do you want it to say?  What do you want it to represent? Of course, it is about our loved one so it should contain something that they liked or were like or reminds you of a certain characteristic of them. I believe where it is placed is important, especially if you plan for more.  (And I have found never say never to that idea!) Certain body parts are more sensitive like your ankle or rib cage where the skin is thinner so a smaller tattoo in those places might be preferred. Angel wings, butterflies or other mystical, message-carrying guides are also common to incorporate in a memorial tattoo.

Color is important. Bright colors bring a different energy than a soft watercolor or the subtle tones of grey.  What was your child’s favorite color? What colors bring you a feeling of peace? Imagination and Pinterest are your friends as the ideas are infinite.

For me, there is no plan to stop this tradition, which I do each year before or on the day he was killed. I have told my family that it is something I feel I NEED to do and one year I might wake up and say enough.  Until then, this ritual brings a weird calm; an annual testament letting the world know, “I am in pain”.  And to Zane, it states, “I will never forget you.  You are always with me”.

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