Good Mourning Grief

A blog about my adventures as a grief warrior

Tag: #thanksgiving

Thoughts for Thanksgiving

October 13, 2024 /

Thanksgiving is here; the annual inventory of what we are grateful for. The symbolistic holiday of who sits at your table. It is a beautiful fall day as I write this and as I reflect, I have much to be thankful for. Many bittersweet things to be grateful for.

This year highlighted the importance of time. The speed of it and the ability to cram more into it if we choose.  Before the loss of both Kirk and Geoff this year, time gave us the opportunity to build other memories to carry with us and meaningful conversations around how special our relationship was, will always be. I am grateful that the families of Kirk and Geoff let us in to share the last months with their beloved.

This year highlighted the power of Mother Nature. Our trip to Mexico to celebrate love included the beauty of her majestic ocean and the heat of the afternoon sun. It also brought fear and loss through the hurricanes to which we personally witnessed the sights and heard the stories of the damages such causes. I am grateful that our group returned home safe and my heart hurts for those who were not as fortunate.

This year highlighted the magic of family. My first trip back in nine years, it was a week of reuniting with those I love through marriage that I now call my own. It included meeting new members, sharing their story and knowing that our souls have always been family, connected through mutual beliefs of what this life is about. And my own family; trials and tribulations related to life and choices, some to which we can’t control and some to which we can, has reminded me that family is always first. Always. I am grateful for family, and the friends that we call chosen family.

This year also highlighted grief. It brought with it many levels, many forms of itself. It brought a clear understanding that loss is loss and each loss we experience must be felt. It connected me to new friends in the grief community and brought old friends into the same. It demonstrated how strong it is and encouraged us to try new ways to live with it. I have become grateful to the truth that grief is the constant reminder to live my best in honor of those I have lost.

Thanksgiving this year will be in the mountains.  It was my son-in-law’s idea. I was thrilled he still wanted to hang out with us just after spending a whole week together in Mexico! The turkey will be packed with all the trimmings. The day will include shopping and happy hour at Bridgette Bar before tucking ourselves in for more wine and food. Zane will be joining us. After all, it is our happy place to which he and I go to be together. And that fills my cup with gratitude.

May each of you be filled with gratitude, of knowing that we are connected. Death cannot change that. Take this holiday to look at those sitting at your table. Without judgement. With patience and love that they are on their own path, to which we have the fortune to be travelling with. And ‘see’ those who you love that still sit, in spirit, at your table. Grief ties us to the love we hold in our hearts.

Thanksgiving 2022

October 9, 2022 /

I have a lot to be thankful for. We all do. So, I am taking today to not concentrate on the pain of my body or the losses that have crippled me. Instead, I am going to watch my family enjoy gathering for turkey and the traditions that accompany it.

I am going to relish in the understanding that my loved ones from heaven join us today. It is a beautiful sunny afternoon that beckons healing.

I wish for you, a day of peace and connection. I wish for that to continue throughout the year.

How lucky are we to have, if only one, another to love and care for us. I am blessed to have an entire tribe. It is what keeps me breathing. Thank you.

Thanks for Giving

October 10, 2021 /

“Well, first of the holidays, Thanksgiving, without your contribution of mashed potatoes and gravy.  Some of your friends dropped by including Kat who came with a bunch of bananas! I had told her I couldn’t buy them yet because they were what I bought for you, for your smoothies.  It was cool she thought of me.  I cried…  I am thankful this year for family and friends. And Zane, thankful to you for the countless times we shared.  You are my sunshine.”

The above was a letter I wrote to Zane on the first Thanksgiving after the crash. Three years later, we nestle, following the restrictions, in our tiny home to celebrate the first event of the upcoming holiday season.  Everything is in order.  Turkey, stuffing, treats.  The table set. The dog has his bone. Everything looks like a Norman Rockwell poster. The ‘empty chair’ is the elephant in the room.  Time does not help heal the holidays.

These are the occasions where you need to practice extra selfcare.  We tend to overdo, overeat, overdrink. All things that increase grief. We also notice families, social media happy posts, that remind us of what we are missing. Even if everything else is in place and you are surrounded by family and friends, your broken heart hurts more at these times.

I think it does one good to schedule a portion of the day to remove yourself from the activities.  For a short time, find yourself alone, in a park or a room or a walk around the block. Feel the big picture.  Look up to the skies. Listen to the wind, or the birds, or the water if nearby. Call out to your loved one.  Whisper you miss them and that you invite them to come to the dinner table. Have a cry. A good, soul cleansing cry if you can.

Then, at the dinner table, share some of their favorite things about the holiday. Share memories of holidays past. Laugh.  Laugh, knowing that your loved one is with you.  Their spirit shines.

I am thankful that I am healthy enough to work and to give back to my community.

I give thanks to my friends that give me time and understanding and love. I give thanks to my family who surround me and give me space when I need it.

I am thankful every day of the year, for Zane. For the signs he brings to me that he is near. I am grateful for the many memories I carry in my heart of my sweet boy and the times we shared on earth. I am grateful for the new ways that I am learning to ‘be with my son’ while we are realms apart.

This year, I give thanks for the things that give me hope.

Can Gratitude be Found in Grief?

October 11, 2020 /

A Thanksgiving tradition around our table was to state what you were most grateful for that year.  Zane would always include mashed potatoes and dressing in his list. Any other side dishes were unnecessary.

It can be hard to feel grateful, especially during the holidays.  The deep, sincere feeling of true gratitude is tainted with the ache of not having your loved one physically sitting at the table. “Count your blessings” is harder to do when one of your biggest blessings is not here to mash the potatoes.

I am told that actively seeking things to be grateful for helps your grief. When we are grieving it is difficult to see past the pain; but if we can try, there are small and big things that we can be grateful for.

As a mom I know that the once happy traditions still need to go on.  It is very important that we keep up the celebrations of yesterday.  Yet a big piece is missing.  So each year I play with tradition just a bit; I try something new, tweak how things were done to ensure I am honoring both my family here and my family of the other realm.  

Of course I am grateful for my daughter, our family and our friends who have sustained us during our grief.  I am grateful for the professional care and the fellow parents I have met through group counselling.   And I remind myself, as I set the table, that each place setting there will sit an individual that I love and that shares this life with me.  There is comfort in that.  The fact that I have conjured up the strength to be with others, I am grateful for that.

  I believe that we grief warriors can find gratitude.  It is different than the gratitude I felt before Zane was killed.  It is softer.  It carries an awareness of how fragile special moments are.  It can remind us of the many things our loved one brought into our lives that we will always be grateful for.  Seeking gratitude is important; it gives our heart hope to carry on.

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